I am aware, I am in a numb state, nearly all the time now.
Since the latest processing, of even deeper psychological harm caused me, that has affected my whole life…I just can’t deal with it. I was already suicidal prior to all this. I am past my limit now.
How do you process all the trauma, all the abusers and what they did, and then realise because of all they did, you have also been abusing yourself all this time, letting people harm you, by not staying away, putting yourself in dangerous situations, hanging around with abusive people.
I can’t even process the words – re-enacting abuse, masochism, compulsion to repeat trauma.
All this time, I’ve thought I was strong, a survivor…and all along I was hurting myself, over and over. Continuing what all the abusers started and letting more hurt me repeatedly.
I feel disconnected from everything and everyone.
I am doing things, I did craft with my son earlier, made funny faces out of paper plates and decorated them. I am holding conversations, I am writing on my page, but it’s all on auto pilot, robot mode – with no emotions being felt.
It feels like I am doped up to my eyeballs on medications that make you feel nothing.
I am also exhausted. I am so tired right now, I need to go and sleep. And it’s 3.30pm. I rarely every sleep in the day.