I was not looking forward to counselling today, I assumed (wrongly…again) we may ‘have’ to discuss ‘that stuff’ I am currently avoiding. I was relieved to know we weren’t, and that it is okay to avoid some stuff, and build up strength and resilience and deal with that later. Phew!
I did manage to verbalise how I realise, for various trauma-induced psychological reasons, I have spent my life being a ‘moth to a flame’. The ‘flame’ being abusive people, often of the narc/sociopath/psychopath variety. All due to my childhood. Getting burned over and over and over, and not being able to stop this and protect myself.
In fact, it would be more appropriate, to say I have been a moth, to many flames and I see that fully. Now.
And when I ‘know’ something, I don’t shy away from it, or ‘rationalise’ it, or minimize it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m too real and honest and have too much integrity to honesty, for that.
But, I do fully recognise, that I am only able to see, understand, accept and deal with things, when I ‘know’ them. And this awareness often comes in those big overwhelming realisations, that leave me shocked, speechless, scared, fearful. Followed by varying levels of emotions and potential numbing, or panicking, mood lowering and little capacity to cope…which can lead to suicidal thoughts.