Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Always a moth to the flame……..but not anymore.

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I was not looking forward to counselling today, I assumed (wrongly…again) we may ‘have’ to discuss ‘that stuff’ I am currently avoiding. I was relieved to know we weren’t, and that it is okay to avoid some stuff, and build up strength and resilience and deal with that later. Phew!

I did manage to verbalise how I realise, for various trauma-induced psychological reasons, I have spent my life being a ‘moth to a flame’. The ‘flame’ being abusive people, often of the narc/sociopath/psychopath variety. All due to my childhood. Getting burned over and over and over, and not being able to stop this and protect myself.

In fact, it would be more appropriate, to say I have been a moth, to many flames and I see that fully. Now.

And when I ‘know’ something, I don’t shy away from it, or ‘rationalise’ it, or minimize it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m too real and honest and have too much integrity to honesty, for that.

But, I do fully recognise, that I am only able to see, understand, accept and deal with things, when I ‘know’ them. And this awareness often comes in those big overwhelming realisations, that leave me shocked, speechless, scared, fearful. Followed by varying levels of emotions and potential numbing, or panicking, mood lowering and little capacity to cope…which can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Which, is exactly why I need to build strength and resilience to deal with life, as well as the deeper aspects of the trauma. And it is okay to ‘park’ that ‘stuff’ until I am strong enough to deal with it.

So, this tired, hurt, fragile little moth, is going to go and play in the meadows, amongst the flowers, with the other moths and butterflies and keep away from the flames for a while. And actually have some fun.

And I’ll add a few fairies in the meadows too…..just for my inner child.

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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