Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Sure, I have all these ideas and plans for my future….but…

A thought came to me earlier, when I was helping my 5 year old glue leaves and a stick onto a big piece of paper, to make a tree picture, for him to decorate……

I have all these ideas and plans for my future, write, publish a book, volunteer abroad…

But, if ‘playing’ and taking care of myself, is what makes me happy……would it really be bad, if that’s all I do for the rest of my life?

I’ve been through a lot of abuse, a lot of trauma, a lot of severe harm, for 4 decades….and I want to be happy. I want to have peace. I want to enjoy the rest of my life, with my family.

I’ve already achieved things that help people, with my website and blog. I don’t ‘have’ to achieve anymore. I just think I do. And I want to, to help more people. Continue reading

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My family of origin….were always more scared than they were ever capable of realising.

A post to my page…

“I’ve been called over-sensitive, a drama queen, attention seeker, liar, all my life by my family of origin.

What I now realise, is how scared ‘they’ were, for someone to have the strength to stand up and speak the truth about the family secrets and all their deep issues.

And they didn’t want to lose the scapegoat, the one to blame, shame, put down and hurt…as was my family role.

That is not my role anymore.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I know now, they saw me as a threat, because I was always different to them. I had a strength, need for honesty and goodness within me they didn’t possess and that reflected badly on them. But they could not bare to consider that, so attacked me instead.

I scared them. I made them nervous.

So they worked really hard to make sure I hated myself and no-one around me, would see me as a credible person.

How sad.

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Breaking the pattern of apologising, for what I don’t need to apologise for..

A post to my Facebook page..

Do you feel compelled to apologise for things, you actually don’t need to apologise for?

I have done this all my life. All due to past abuse.

I have been spending less time on social media recently, which is good for me, and part of my self care.

I nearly apologised on Twitter just now, for my lack of tweets recently…

And I stopped myself and thought…

“Why am I apologising for something that is about my self care?

I am under no obligation to tweet a certain amount per day.

It is not my duty, or responsibility to have to be tweeting all day.

I’m not hurting anyone, or doing anything wrong.

And I don’t need to feel guilty about this either.”

Go me – on facing the issues of self care, guilt, over-responsibility to others.

go me

I don’t need to apologise, when I haven’t done anything wrong.

It takes time to work on these issues. It’s not easy, but we do deserve to work on it.

Lilly ❤

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Internalised abuse…externalised abuser

These are terms used, about what can be the affects of being abused in childhood.

The externalised abuser, absorbs the abusers and becomes one – externally continuing and repeating the trauma hurting others.

The internalised abuser, absorbs the abusers and becomes one – internally continuing and repeating the trauma, hurting self.

I am the latter.

And whilst I would rather be neither, if I had to pick one, it would definitely be the latter.

So horrible to think about and know, but true. And I have to know this, to address what has been my past subconscious behaviours and why.

Abuse, is horrendous.