Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Flashbacks, as ex soldier describes killing people with no emotional response.

Had conversation with an ex-soldier about the psychology of psychopathy and he described having learned this capacity to switch off emotions to kill people. And how he thinks this is okay and needed.

Quite frankly, that terrifies me.

That capacity to shut off emotions and end human life and cause human suffering, for whatever reason.

I can’t cope with that.

Had flashback of the sadistic psychopath, and his capacity to ‘switch off’ – to do what he wanted. It was still a ‘choice’ to cause human suffering. I could see it in his eyes, they would go black as he did all the terrifying torturous stuff. And I dissociated to cope with all the pain, all the severe abuse.

I’ve been on the receiving end of psychopaths.

And it is terror.

Numb writing this.


I will know the red flags for harm…but when someone is nice to me…what the hell do I do with that?

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I’ve always not known what to do with compliments.

Or someone being nice to me.

It’s a shock if someone treats me with respect. It confuses me.

Now, if someone compliments me, I just politely say thank you and in my head, dismiss it.

I guess it’s one of those developmental needs, I never learned. How to deal with ‘genuine’.

I have empathy and compassion for others. But no concept of how to receive that back.

I guess the deeper issue is, I have always believed I don’t deserve it back.


Looking at my blog posts, today has not been a good day.

I am really tired.

And I can guarantee, when exhausted, all the bad, all the horrific abuse, all the evil, all the horrible personality disorders stuff, all the suffering….all around the world….will be where my mind goes.

And all this does exist and I see it everywhere. And I hate it.

But, due to my life and all I have endured – which is therefore ‘my normal’, plus my empathy to not want people hurting, means all this blackness, pain and suffering, is what my mind thinks about. And that’s okay. I have self compassion and enough psychology understanding, to know why.

I’m not going to beat myself up for this. It’s a crappy day. It happens.

I’ve had horrible dreams the last few nights, thank you PTSD! So that has made it worse too. It’s hard to have a good day, when starting the day, with horrible abuse memories in your head. It’s kinda easy to stay focussed on this dark stuff, when you wake up with it. Continue reading


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Glad to see validation. A psychologist with the same insight as I have, into Abbott and pals.

The latest revelations about the Abbott Government have led psychologist Lyn Bender to wonder: is Prime Minister Tony Abbott incapable of human feeling?

THE psychopath may be smart even highly intelligent, but lacks empathy and is a chronic manipulator.

He is morally bankrupt due to this lack of empathy and narcissism. What he doesn’t feel, he mimics to further his own ends.

The psychopath or sociopath is careless of others feelings, exhibits no guilt or remorse, lies compulsively and acts impulsively with little regard for the consequences of those actions.

Grandiosity inflates a sense of getting away with anything.

The focus is never on reparation — but on escaping any responsibility for the harm inflicted on others.

The drive is essentially narcissistic, even if it is paraded as altruistic.

The psychopath may become enraged at accusations, and aggressive and defensive, even if those accusations are grounded in fact.

Behaviours and responses that appear to contradict the lack of empathy are, in fact, part of manipulating others to further the psychopath’s own ends. The actions are thoroughly Machiavellian with the end justifying the means — but the ends are narcissistically focused.

Sound like anyone you know?

The latest revelations about the Abbott Government’s manipulation, deceit and lies have led me to wonder: is Prime Minister Abbott incapable of human feeling?

Previously I have asked questions in IA about Abbott and his team — concerning idiocy, insincerity, and being a headless chook.

The latest revelations − I mean allegations − of blatant lies regarding the Government have led me to confront, a profoundly serious fear — a scarily looming terror.

No, it’s not the Joe Hockey fictional budget crisis.

What is keeping me awake at night is the following nagging thought:

“What if Prime Minister Tony Abbott just a psychopath?”

Surrounding himself with like-minded ministers advisors and old cronies, Abbott is forging his way towards his version of a small government free market quasi neo conservative nirvana. Continue reading


Does Brian Houston really think he is fooling wise people? Obviously another complete corrupt cover up.

PRAISE GOD FOR THE ROYAL COMMISSSION!

A Mega Church filled with people listening to wolves in sheep’s clothing and their evil perpetrator protecting abuse.

Numbers of followers – does not indicate the spiritual health of a church….although their ego’s will want to believe differently.

Who are these all these abusive churches led by?

Well I can tell you now….it isn’t Jesus.

And in all of this……….who cared about the victims?

No-one….until the RC forced many of the them to reveal all their dirty, sinful, evil secrets.


Hillsong Church founder Brian Houston told a royal commission that there may be more victims of his paedophile father Frank Houston who have yet to come forward.

In his final day of evidence, the evangelical preacher told the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse of learning the extent of his father’s alleged predatory acts in the 1960s and 1970s.

He told the commission he first became aware of allegations of abuse in 1999 but learned in 2000 there were further claims involving six boys in New Zealand.

Never charged: Frank Houston .

When asked by counsel assisting, Simeon Beckett, whether he accepted that Frank Houston had abused other children, Brian Houston responded: “We probably don’t know how many. We may never know how far it went.”

Continue reading


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Founder of Hillsong a Paedophile – and it was all kept quiet, police not involved – why am I not suprised.

I always had a feeling Hillsong were a dodgy lot.

I’ve seen Houston in action and I wasn’t impressed. All their marketing and money making etc. Not of Christ.

This latest news, doesn’t surprise me in the least.

I will ‘never’ take my children to a church again. We worship Jesus in the safety of our home.

Quite frankly I don’t trust them. I trust God, I trust Jesus, but I have no faith in churches at all. Far too many perpetrator protectors and evil occurring under their noses and they encourage it.

Too many churches are narcissist/sociopath/psychopath/paedophile creating machines.

And bear in mind, what is coming through the Royal Commission, is a fraction of all that has occurred. It is not all of it, by a long way.


Child sex abuse inquiry: Hillsong leader Brian Houston says victim can decide about going to police

Updated yesterday at 3:57pmThu 9 Oct 2014, 3:57pm

Hillsong Church leader Brian Houston has told an inquiry he did not report child sexual abuse claims against his father to police because the victim was over 18 when he came forward.

The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse is examining the handling of allegations against William Francis Houston, better known as Frank.

Brian Houston said he was told in October 1999 that a man in his mid 30s, known as AHA, had come forward to reveal that Frank Houston had abused him about 30 years earlier.

He told the inquiry he was in no doubt that a criminal offence had been committed. Continue reading