Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I am so fucking angry. I fucking hate all the fucking evil in this world.

I am aware having PTSD, means my emotions and previous trauma get re-activated when triggered.

The self hatred stuff I felt earlier, turned into feeling angry about those who abused me and caused all of this deep harm in my life I have endured for 43 years. Fucking up my entire life.

Then triggered even further seeing all the Mark Driscoll stuff, which I knew about all along…..all triggering all the trauma and abuse I endured in a church and from a minister. Fucking up my life even more.

Then I read the famous author John Grisham is defending paedophiles, saying watching child porn is okay. Sick bastard. Triggering thoughts of paedophile abuse I have endured.

I don’t want to think about these sick fucking people any more.

I don’t want all this triggered.

I just want to get on with my life and not think about any of it.

I FUCKING HATE PTSD

I FUCKING HATE ABUSE

I FUCKING HATE THAT SICK PEOPLE HURT OTHERS AND DON’T CARE.

I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE ENDURED TOO MUCH OF THIS.

I HATE THIS SICK FUCKING WORLD I HAVE TO ENDURE.


I have every right to be angry about people rejecting my insight, and putting me down in the process.

My discernment capacity to work out people’s personalities, is continually proven to be accurate.

I know when narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy is occurring and I know when someone is a full blown narc, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or has AsPD.

And when people have high level traits, as opposed to fully diagnosable.

I’ve been told by ‘Christians’ my insight into Mark Driscoll is ‘so wrong’, been told I shouldn’t say someone is narcissistic, I’ve had two Christians tell me they met Driscoll and he didn’t appear narcissistic at all, had one tell me ‘maybe my past bad experiences were affecting my judgment’….blah blah blah.

Well, they were all wrong.

All Driscoll’s traits, are clear narcissism and narcissism should ‘never’ exist in church ministry.

What hope is there for churches, when even people considered to be strong, mature Christians who are in the public arena, who have authored books…..can’t even work out there is something ‘not right’ about the likes of Driscoll.

I have been told my entire fucking life I am wrong, I am over sensitive, I am ‘affected’ by my past.

When the reality is, I have more discernment into people, than most will have even into themselves. But, their ego’s to not want to be wrong – make them put me down, hurting me in the process.

Well – they are all fucking wrong.


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Mark Driscoll resigns due to arrogance, pride, delusions of grandeur etc – i.e. A ‘Narcissist’. Don’t doubt my capacity to spot narcissists.

Well, well, well.

Mark Driscoll, the pastor that Pastor Andrew Allinson (who abused me) models himself on………turns out to be the narcissistic person I knew he was all along.

Arrogance, brashness, harshness, domineering, temper, delusions of grandeur, plagiarism – all being narcissism, using a pseudonym “William Wallace II” trolling – a sociopathic bully – posting statements critical of women/feminism, homosexuality and “sensitive emasculated” men.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/gleanings/2014/august/mark-driscoll-crude-comments-william-wallace-mars-hill.html

And there will be more.

And exactly the opposite of Jesus, in every way.

Driscoll no doubt has stepped down, before anything worse comes out.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/15/mark-driscoll-resigns_n_5991998.html

The abusive church where I was abused – North Pine Baptist Church ‘love’ Driscoll’s work…..why?

Because they are unhealthy, narcissistic, sociopathic abusive leaders too.

I knew this all along.

I’ve blogged about Mark Driscoll and the abusive pastors I have encountered, several times.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/ministers-like-mark-driscoll-need-to-be-told-to-just-shut-up-and-go-find-a-decent-bible-college/

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/many-churchs-work-keeping-their-flock-at-stage-3-cult/

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/always-mindful-of-self-esteem-v-narcissism/

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/when-churchs-are-more-like-a-cult-than-a-church/


I can’t keep it parked. I hate myself.

Child sexual abuse and such severe abuse as a teenager, have lead to devastating issues that carry a huge weight of shame and self loathing.

I have been trying to keep this ‘stuff’ parked, but it’s so hard.

I have managed for a few weeks now, but it’s all just come up, and with it a whole pile of disgusting memories.

Child sexual abuse survivors get hurt in such evil ways and then many have to deal with all these horrific consequences. And all the self hate, self disgust and self harming issues, that can come with it.

I feel disgusting. I hate myself. I hate my body. And I know I shouldn’t. But I do. Those words coming into my head and I can’t stop them….re-enactment, masochism.

It’s disgusting. It’s sick. It’s repulsive. It’s vile.

It’s like those abusers have left some of their evil in my core, to keep me hurting myself, all my life.

Things you know you shouldn’t think about, shouldn’t want, but you do. Things that just repeatedly hurt you. Like the abuser is still there. Like a part of them never left me.

The shame and self loathing slicing further and further into my core.

The acid burning tears have stopped.

The dark numbness has set in.


Trauma/abuse survivors, are all brave, all the time.

A needed message for my community today ❤


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We are all equally brave ❤

I often receive comments and messages about how brave I am to write about my journey and about the abuse and share it all.

Please know….we are all brave….at every point of our journey.

No matter whether it is enduring the trauma, trying to come to terms with it, getting through each day whilst in emotional pain, seeking help, starting to process it, starting to talk about it, starting to write it down…

Wherever we are at……we are all brave, every minute of every day.

I suppressed all my worst trauma for 20 years. I was still being brave because I had no support, no-one I could talk to.

I had a breakdown 2 yeas ago due to how long I suppressed so much trauma. Then I had no choice but start dealing with it.

I still cannot verbalise in counselling – 2 years later – about the worst stuff. I am not able to get the words out. Some of my trauma stuff is ‘parked’ – to be dealt with later. And that is okay. It is a journey.

Little steps at time.

No-one is any more brave, or any less brave than anyone else.

We are all brave, we all have courage to survive horrible things.

Lilly ❤


I will continue to write about this, as I am not okay with these ‘shaming’ messages that if we are not ‘strong’, ’empowered’ and showing this to the world….then we are inferior, weak and worthless.

I strongly oppose society’s ‘shaming’ messages.

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