Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I wish I didn’t have discernment and vigilance, to see so much dishonesty.

6 Comments

Due to due my life, my mind is continually in a switched on state of vigilance and coupled with discernment, means I take everything in and work people out.

It makes my life hard. I see issues in people and where they have little self insight and are deluded.

I see when people are saying one thing….but actually doing another.

I see when people are deluding themselves into doing something for others…but really it is for themselves.

I see when people are justifying things to themselves, excusing their behaviour, have ego driven needs and many other issues.

I see so much dishonesty, whether intentional or non intentional, and it always makes me feel deeply uncomfortable.

And not because I think that makes

everyone bad, I don’t at all,

but because if they are lying

to themselves,

then they are lying to me.

And I can’t cope with that. I’ve had so many people hurt me due to lies. It scares me. It frightens me. It makes me even more vigilant around that person, and everything they say is analysed and considered.

It’s exhausting. And I hate it. I don’t want to do this. But, it is who I have been my entire life and I cannot switch it off.

It is my highly developed safety and protection system, I cannot shut off.

I think the only way I will feel safe in this world, safe from dishonesty – is to literally have no contact with anyone, except a few people I have any remote level of trust in.

No more social media and shut out the world.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I wish I didn’t have discernment and vigilance, to see so much dishonesty.

  1. This is the dilemma. We have a lot of information and knowledge to save ourselves, but feel the need to share our experiences and help others in similar circumstances. By doing so, we put ourselves at risk for further abuse. Thats courage. Thats having a heart, its the basic values of being human. Something our abusers will never understand.

    I came here to write out my stories, then I was going to quit life. I didnt know just how big wordpress was, and how many similar stories I would find here. It gives me relief that im not alone, but also can add to my sadness.

    I think its important to share knowledge, be there for one another, and also to care for ourselves, find things we like, create new memories we can smile at, then learn to detach from the bad when it gets overwhelming. Cut out the bad people, I have zero contact at the moment, such is my level of mistrust.

    I think your plan is good, I also wish to have minimal contact and have a limited number of people I speak with. Im not even sure I want friends anymore, it might take years to establish that.

    Take care of yourself, you have done a lot of good here, if you feel the need to have a break or walk away then dont feel guilty. your work will be a guiding beacon of hope for all those who are in need. Your blog was the first one I found when searching for PTSD.

    Maybe in time you could become a therapist or counsellor? your wealth of experience would help others. The hypervigelence and looking deep can also be a huge asset. Im sure in time we all find our safe harbours and feel content with how we turned out, and the people we helped along the way, regardless of how rough the journey has been.

    • Thank you so much for all the time you take to reply to my posts. I really appreciate you! ❤

      I am still in the process of learning how to deal with all I see and not fear anxiety and fear when I see things that I know are unhealthy.

      I am still learning my boundaries and what needs to be my concern and what doesn't.

      I have been encouraged to become a counsellor and I do see how discernment would truly help in that role. I'm not sure if it is my journey, but I am keeping it in mind.

      Lots more of my own healing to do first before I could do that.

      • I’m pretty much in the same boat. When I did the Transactional analysis course I questioned what I could do for people due to my lack of experience and obvious health worries. The instructor turned to me, smiled warmly, and said – “its often not what you can do for a person, but just be there for them” That has stayed with me ever since.

        Learning my MBTI type also shed a load of light on my whole life. If you dont know about it, you might find it Interesting having developed such a good intuition about people.

        I think we have to try and strike a balance between helping others and helping ourselves. Finding people who can prop us up when we need it.

        Thankyou, and take care ❤

  2. That One sentence===everything people say is analized !!!! I do that w/ my sister because of all the evil she has done. I am never Never able to have a normal conversation with her. So as Dr Ross Rosenberger said ” Observe don’t Absorb . You are right , it is exhausting. analyzing what a person says even tone of voice. Always a motive. So I journal what she says, that helps.

    • Yes, I was a long journey, before I realised not to absorb. Being an empath, I have always absorbed.

      But, I’ve learned to observe, without absorbing.

      There are few people I can have meaningful conversations with. I accept that.

      Those I see with maliciousness, total selfishness, or unhealthy stuff within them, I choose to stay away from.

      I learned boundaries are necessary.

      I also need time alone and cherish it.