Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I have to meet all my inner child’s needs…..and adult needs. Alone.

“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.” ― C.G. Jung


I have always known my sense of being alone, in human terms.

There has always been an awareness of a separation between myself and all other people. I have always felt disconnected and viewing the world from behind a glass divide. An invisible barrier, others do not see, but I know is there.

I have given up trying to explain this and I know most don’t understand. I do connect on a soul level with a few people via the internet, which is my safe way of communication.

But, in reality terms of people physically in my life, I am alone. Completely alone.

When I think of this too much, it evokes great pain. Activating too many emotions regarding those who in their sadistic need to inflict and project their own pain, created this aloneness in my childhood, and forced me to endure so much a child should never know. A childhood, where no-one was safe, danger always imminent, no comfort or love to be found.

I am aware, this is the cause of my aloneness. Not a great mind, like C.G.Jung, but a mind that knows more than is average about humanity, about the inner darkness within people.

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Regarding Mark Driscoll being forced to resign & immature opinions, I must remember the stages of faith.

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My previous counsellor, explained to me how my lack of understanding why so many church people think the way they do and why I felt like I was in high school, was due to this.

She identified me as going into stage 5, where most church people will remain at stage 3, all their lives. It was huge moment of clarity to see this.

And she explained how those at stage 3, don’t know anything more, so will reject anything outside of their own understanding, their own needs and what suits them and their earthly desires. Their rejection is their ego, even if they don’t see that.

There are also many church leaders, who will actively want stage 3 churches, as it is easier for flock control and they don’t get questioned, challenged etc. Continue reading


Six Unforgettable Reflections from Anais Nin’s Prolific Diaries

Anais Nin fascinates me. Her capacity to write with such honest emotion and introspection, is something I am drawn to.

Wonder Sonder

French Cuban writer Anaïs Nin (1903-1977), is possibly one of the most dedicated diarists of modern times. Her sixteen volumes of diaries, begun at the age of 11 and spanning over fifty years until her death, reveal the inner workings of one of the most brilliant minds in modern history, on topics ranging from literature, culture, human nature, and the interstices of modern living versus traditions of society.

The Diaries of Anais Nin reveal a great deal about the versatile author and poet, and provide timeless advice to aspiring artists, and to those who wish to think deeply.

ImageHere are five timeless words of wisdom on a range of topics, from Anais Nin.

1. On Love:

“Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, a human being with flaws.” (November, 1941)

2. On the Meaning of Life:

“The secret of a full…

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LOL! Yep, this is me :) I want a better world, but without having to interact with most people.

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I do want a better world, I see the bigger picture, not just my own egocentric little life.

But, I also don’t want to interact with those who are unlike me.

I choose to personally interact with very few now.

I am an introvert and I am okay with that now.

I love humanity, but do not love society.

There is a difference.


Why I would prefer no-one ever referred to my looks.

I touched on this issue yesterday on my community page.

I’ve had a lot people make comments – some good, a lot bad – about the way I look.

My step father put me down a lot about how I look from a young age, my family always took the piss about the way I look, yet I had to walk on egg shells around them. 

Throughout all the different types of abuse, I have been told I am ‘pretty/beautiful’ and then called the opposite and told I am not pretty enough.

Due to being thin most of my life, I was often referred to as ‘skinny’, ‘bag of bones’, ‘boylike’ etc – often by overweight people who bizarrely thought it was acceptable to put me down for being thin, but would be disgusted and upset if anyone referred to them as ‘fat’. Which I would never call people, but it was somehow ‘acceptable’ to call me names.

I am learning to accept how I look and be comfortable in my own self. I am no longer thin, just average weight.

I actually hate people referring to the way I look. I would rather they didn’t mention anything. Good, or bad. I don’t mind people complimenting my clothes etc, but to speak about my looks, I really dislike. Continue reading