Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have to meet all my inner child’s needs…..and adult needs. Alone.

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“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.” ― C.G. Jung


I have always known my sense of being alone, in human terms.

There has always been an awareness of a separation between myself and all other people. I have always felt disconnected and viewing the world from behind a glass divide. An invisible barrier, others do not see, but I know is there.

I have given up trying to explain this and I know most don’t understand. I do connect on a soul level with a few people via the internet, which is my safe way of communication.

But, in reality terms of people physically in my life, I am alone. Completely alone.

When I think of this too much, it evokes great pain. Activating too many emotions regarding those who in their sadistic need to inflict and project their own pain, created this aloneness in my childhood, and forced me to endure so much a child should never know. A childhood, where no-one was safe, danger always imminent, no comfort or love to be found.

I am aware, this is the cause of my aloneness. Not a great mind, like C.G.Jung, but a mind that knows more than is average about humanity, about the inner darkness within people.

It doesn’t allow me the luxury and ease of having a mind able to see through rose coloured glasses, a mind that sees a positive illusion, a shallow depth, many are afforded.

My mind sees the darkness within people, and that depth of knowledge and understanding, insight and awareness creates a barrier to peace and delusion, others are comforted by.

I have a husband I love, I have absolutely nothing in common with, except our children. I have a counsellor, I try hard to focus on being just that, a counsellor, who is paid to assist me in dealing with the damage caused to me, as her job.

I have no-one physically in my life, I can call a friend, who cares and shares my thoughts. No-one I can have meaningful conversations with and I have stopped trying.

For a long time, I strived to be the extrovert society demands everyone should be, but inside was an introverted, quiet, introspective, reflective soul, ruminating and musing on life and humanity. A deeply knowing girl, needy, crying inside for someone to understand who I really am. Behind the strong, fiercely guarded walls of distrust and independence, built upon foundations of fear and tears.

The more awareness I develop of my character, my personality type, the deeply entrenched fear driven behaviours and fears within my soul, the deeper I retreat and hide from this world.

To know I will never have the family I have desperately needed all my life, the less I have any desire to reach out to anyone for friendship.

I use my boundaries needed within my healing needs, as a perfect way to justify why I don’t want contact with the world outside on my home.

When the reality is, the safety of my home, the safety of internet only communication, is all I desire in human contact.

I have nothing in common with most around me, and no desire to be a part of a shallow society in which I have to exist, where nothing trivial and unfulfilling society fixates upon, nourishes my soul, or holds my attention, or keeps me interested for any enduring time.

I am increasingly withdrawing, into a world of introspection, reflection, researching, reading and soaking up knowledge of the only topic that holds my interest…the human mind, heart, soul.

I didn’t have my needs met as a child and I don’t have them met as an adult.

Not only do I have to meet all my inner child’s needs…I also have to meet all my adult needs completely alone, too.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I have to meet all my inner child’s needs…..and adult needs. Alone.

  1. The need to retreat when overwhelmed is a universal experience and this is one thing we do have in common with those we see around us. Life has to be a balance of darkness and light in order to be authentic because that is who we are. Out there, among the many many souls who would rather just revel in the light and ignore both the darkness and those who speak of the darkness, there are some – a few – who have experienced and learned about the darkness but who have also learned to dance in the light. Finding those people requires courage and perseverance. But these are the souls we need to meet in order to know that sense of belonging. Don’t give up your search but do it part-time. Even Jung used to spend the afternoons romping round the garden with his kids to contrast the time he spent in the mornings in therapeutic consultations with his clients!

  2. I hear you. I really do.

    Two book I cherish.

    C.G.Jung – the earth has a soul (on nature, technology, and modern life)

    Viktor.E.Frankl – mans search for meaning.

    take care ❤

    • I found the Frankl book to be a turning point for me in my recovery. I read it this past Spring and it’s amazing. Not part of the self-help nonsense but a rather matter-of-fact read that helped me along so much. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

  3. Must be the subject of the week…just read Together We Heal …about abuse survivors feeling loneliness all the time…
    I have found somuch help from your blogs….thanks for sharing in your struggle.

  4. Thank you all, I appreciate your messages. ❤

    This aloneness, is something I know some child abuse survivors endure throughout their lives. I am coming to accept it, and just manage the fear this can bring at times.

    I have so little interest in so much society fixates on – like TV, celebrity worship, materialism, fashion, power, success, ego etc, and it causes me to be even further separated.

    I've stopped expecting to ever fit in and just learn to manage aloneness.

    • As a survivor of a traumatic childhood, I completely understand how you feel because I used to be that way all the time… and I still get that way on occasion now. Just remember that not everyone is fixated on those things you mentioned. A critical part of my recovery has been to re-connect socially.

      Humans are social animals not by choice but by evolution. We’re hardwired to be at our healthiest when we’re part of a group. I’ve just recently begun to reach out to the world again, and I assure you it’s not easy. Yet the few connections I’ve made have been surprisingly decent.

      It’s impossible for anyone to understand what we went through and how it continues to impact us to this day, but don’t use that as a reason for isolation. You and I will get rejected more often than not because people are afraid of or intimidated by that which they don’t know or understand. In my short experience, however, those few solid connections I have made were worth all of the many more rejections.

      Thank you for writing so beautifully what others like us go through. I commend you for the work you’ve put in, and I hope you know how much it helps people like me… who are just like you.