“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.” ― C.G. Jung
I have always known my sense of being alone, in human terms.
There has always been an awareness of a separation between myself and all other people. I have always felt disconnected and viewing the world from behind a glass divide. An invisible barrier, others do not see, but I know is there.
I have given up trying to explain this and I know most don’t understand. I do connect on a soul level with a few people via the internet, which is my safe way of communication.
But, in reality terms of people physically in my life, I am alone. Completely alone.
When I think of this too much, it evokes great pain. Activating too many emotions regarding those who in their sadistic need to inflict and project their own pain, created this aloneness in my childhood, and forced me to endure so much a child should never know. A childhood, where no-one was safe, danger always imminent, no comfort or love to be found.
I am aware, this is the cause of my aloneness. Not a great mind, like C.G.Jung, but a mind that knows more than is average about humanity, about the inner darkness within people.
It doesn’t allow me the luxury and ease of having a mind able to see through rose coloured glasses, a mind that sees a positive illusion, a shallow depth, many are afforded.
My mind sees the darkness within people, and that depth of knowledge and understanding, insight and awareness creates a barrier to peace and delusion, others are comforted by.
I have a husband I love, I have absolutely nothing in common with, except our children. I have a counsellor, I try hard to focus on being just that, a counsellor, who is paid to assist me in dealing with the damage caused to me, as her job.
I have no-one physically in my life, I can call a friend, who cares and shares my thoughts. No-one I can have meaningful conversations with and I have stopped trying.
For a long time, I strived to be the extrovert society demands everyone should be, but inside was an introverted, quiet, introspective, reflective soul, ruminating and musing on life and humanity. A deeply knowing girl, needy, crying inside for someone to understand who I really am. Behind the strong, fiercely guarded walls of distrust and independence, built upon foundations of fear and tears.
The more awareness I develop of my character, my personality type, the deeply entrenched fear driven behaviours and fears within my soul, the deeper I retreat and hide from this world.
To know I will never have the family I have desperately needed all my life, the less I have any desire to reach out to anyone for friendship.
I use my boundaries needed within my healing needs, as a perfect way to justify why I don’t want contact with the world outside on my home.
When the reality is, the safety of my home, the safety of internet only communication, is all I desire in human contact.
I have nothing in common with most around me, and no desire to be a part of a shallow society in which I have to exist, where nothing trivial and unfulfilling society fixates upon, nourishes my soul, or holds my attention, or keeps me interested for any enduring time.
I am increasingly withdrawing, into a world of introspection, reflection, researching, reading and soaking up knowledge of the only topic that holds my interest…the human mind, heart, soul.
I didn’t have my needs met as a child and I don’t have them met as an adult.
Not only do I have to meet all my inner child’s needs…I also have to meet all my adult needs completely alone, too.