Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I feel like a lotus flower…rising up from the stinking, putrid mire of abuse & suffering….slowly starting to unfold..


This ^ has been me most of my life…tightly closed up, due to so much pain, abuse, fear and tears.


This is me now ^ …..starting to unfold…as I allow myself to feel, heal and deal with my past… Continue reading


No, I am not ’empowered’ or ‘strong’ or ‘positive’ all the time.

Words of validation, realness and honesty for my community.

I see the word ’empowered’….all the time.

I see society demanding we be strong and positive…all the time.

Well, I am honest.

I am not strong all the time, and I am not positive all the time.

Sometimes, I am scared, vulnerable, insecure, needy, not coping at all, in tears, and manage very little.

And some days I feel stronger and feel more positive.

And that is all absolutely okay – because it is real and honest about how this journey can feel/be.

It is far too great a burden for me to carry,

to feel I ‘must’ be empowered, strong

and positive all the time.

And it makes me feel shame when I can’t be strong all the time and that is not okay, because I have nothing to feel ashamed about.
Continue reading

Why do I seem to attract so many narcissistic people into my life?

I wrote this a year ago…because I ‘knew’ there was more to why I seem to be attracted to narcissistic types of people.
Now, I do know why…all part of my self harm issues.
It takes me time to process through these highly emotive and painful issues, but I am always aware of when something is not sitting well within me and need to know more.
People may say that people like myself ‘think too much’, ‘ruminate’ etc…well maybe they should realise, that some people do process in a deeper way and are willing to do that with the courage and inner strength required to face the good, the bad and the ugly within.
No matter how painful that ends up being.
Because truth, honesty and being authentic, are values I cherish and want and need.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am not someone to shy aware from asking the hard questions, mostly about myself.

I know my boundaries have not been healthy, I know narcs pick up on that, plus my vulnerability, but I sense there is more than that.

I was raised by narcs, and I loved my mother, loved my siblings who also have issues, so it’s almost like I know narcs, I have the ability to love them, despite their issues, their abuse. I learned young, how to.

I am aware also, that traumatised people, tend to go to what feels safe, even if it isn’t safe.

We tend to go to what we know, and what we know is what we were raised in.

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Narcissists are Chameleons that thrive on Secrecy :

Nothing the narcissist says is ever what he means. Language is simply used as a tool for deception, manipulation, and story telling. Everything they do is for show, or only meant in the moment. That’s why everything around them seems so chaotic and confusing. There isn’t any consistency or reliability. In order to be able to do what they want, whenever they want it and however they want it, with whomever they want it, ie ultimate freedom, they also have to compartmentalize their lives. Oh sure, in the beginning they fake closeness and openness with you. They actually temporarily make you a priority. The narcissist may even use you as a confidant, but a narcissist is always juggling various sources of narcissistic supply (attention) simultaneously. There is an extremely scheming quality to the evaluation of all narcissistic supply.
As Sam Vaknin says, ” the narcissist…

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It is very worrying how many counsellors treat well out of their capacity/insight/knowledge/experience.

This was a post today, and I have received so many like this, about the failure of counsellors/therapists, to adequately treat trauma survivors.

“Lilly, I am so glad I found you and your site.

I have been working with my issues for many years. I’ve done very well so far, but none of the counsellors I’ve seen have ever told me about complex PTSD. In fact, I don’t think any of them even tried to do anything to help me manage my PTSD.

Just one article on your page has made an incredible difference.

I am aware of much of my self-talk, but was not aware of the level that comes from early childhood abuse. Since I read that article, I have been catching an incredible amount and responding back to it! I don’t feel any differences yet, but stopping the previously hidden perfectionist/fear chatter has to be a good thing.”

In my opinion, there are far too many counsellors/therapists working outside of their experience/knowledge/insight capacity, to effectively treat trauma survivors.

I liken this to thinking you can receive cancer treatment from your family doctor. Of course this is not going to be adequate. Mental health, is no different. It needs specialised treatment and care.

I am blessed to have a counsellor who does understand and have insight into trauma, but for someone to not even understand the ‘inner self talk’ issues trauma survivors can have, or even know about Complex PTSD…..is very worrying. Continue reading