Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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A self confessed sociopath, who also claims to be a Christian….has found this blog.

No longer a moth to the flame.

I am aware of the lack of moral decency, empathy, remorse, etc of sociopaths. I am very aware of the manipulation and trolling they can do.

Someone who’s comments I am not approving, who is using a fake name…claims to be a sociopath and a Christian – is responding to my blog posts. He claims “God punishes him for his sins”…so that alone is a red flag for not knowing the God I know, who is pure love. God is not a sociopath.

I have no idea whether this person is safe to approve the comments, I’m not saying 100% isn’t……but I am not absolutely not willing to take the chance.

My wellness and healing, are important and more important than dealing with anymore sociopaths in my life. My needed boundaries and my healing are not worth jeopardising in any way, for someone who’s issues are likely to trigger, upset and bother me.

This little moth is staying well away from flames now.


Facing evil within the parents who raised you….is the most difficult task of all.


Abuse is evil. Especially when it is intentional, and obviously so by the lies, the hiding, the crazy making, the denying etc.

I feel for those who are unable to understand the damage their parents caused….because they will never heal….and sadly many go on to repeat the same abuse to their children, which is still abuse and not justifiable.

But, it is still sad.

And this is how generational abuse occurs.

I am so thankful, so be able to stop this, in it’s tracks.


Consistency in my parenting…….ummmm…

Me this morning…

“No boys you cannot go in the pool later when dad comes home….because of your behaviour”

Dad gets home about 4 hours later…….me to him..

“Please take them in the pool, they are driving me nuts and I need a break!!”.

Well, there’s a big parenting fail and consistency shot to shit!

Parenting and having Complex Post Traumatic Disorder and a lack of sleep……not easy.

I can only do my best.

And that has to be good enough.



Grieving the family I never had….and never will.


Unless you are someone who didn’t have any family that were ‘good enough’ as family members and were very abusive…..then you don’t know the pain of grieving the family you never had…and never will.

I have a huge gaping, hole in my soul,

where family were meant to be.

I know this will never be filled…..as I will never have this family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) and I have accepted this very painful understanding.

I don’t feel grieving all the time, but when I do….it swells up as huge waves of dark painful grieving, washing over me with force, knocking me to my knees. Tears and crushing pain in my chest.


I wonder if I will ever not have these grieving waves.

I know the fear I feel as this occurs, is my inner child….and I try to soothe and comfort myself and her. But, I know her tears have to flow, as with my adult self.



A post to my page, on learning to let people be who they are….not what I need them to be.

I posted this, as I know this has been a big issue for me, and I want people to know, if they too are searching for family, to fill that big gaping hole where family were meant to be….it will only lead to more heartache.

It is needed, to address the understandable, but selfish aspects of who we are.

In the past, I was always searching for family…..due to my family of origin being so abusive.

So, those profound unmet childhood needs, continued on into adulthood and I wanted people to be the family I never had. Sadly, I have always gravitated towards mostly selfish people and narcissistic people, which is common in complex trauma survivors.

I never found the family I so desperately needed and have been repeatedly upset and felt abandoned by those who couldn’t be who I needed them to be.

Due to this insight, now I don’t search for family, I have boundaries from unhealthy people and I don’t expect people to fulfil my unmet needs, which I now see was very understandable, but very selfish and narcissistic part of me and I fully admit that. Although it didn’t lead to me hurting them….I just hurt myself more, by the inner feelings of repeated abandonment being so painful. All tied up in these self harming issues I have always had, including being drawn to unhealthy people, who will of course, let me down and hurt me.

Now I am letting people be who they are and decide whether who they are, is okay to be in my life….but not based upon whether they are meeting my needs, but based upon their heart and soul.

It has been part of my growth and healing to address all this.

Lilly ❤