Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

A post to my page, on learning to let people be who they are….not what I need them to be.


I posted this, as I know this has been a big issue for me, and I want people to know, if they too are searching for family, to fill that big gaping hole where family were meant to be….it will only lead to more heartache.

It is needed, to address the understandable, but selfish aspects of who we are.

In the past, I was always searching for family…..due to my family of origin being so abusive.

So, those profound unmet childhood needs, continued on into adulthood and I wanted people to be the family I never had. Sadly, I have always gravitated towards mostly selfish people and narcissistic people, which is common in complex trauma survivors.

I never found the family I so desperately needed and have been repeatedly upset and felt abandoned by those who couldn’t be who I needed them to be.

Due to this insight, now I don’t search for family, I have boundaries from unhealthy people and I don’t expect people to fulfil my unmet needs, which I now see was very understandable, but very selfish and narcissistic part of me and I fully admit that. Although it didn’t lead to me hurting them….I just hurt myself more, by the inner feelings of repeated abandonment being so painful. All tied up in these self harming issues I have always had, including being drawn to unhealthy people, who will of course, let me down and hurt me.

Now I am letting people be who they are and decide whether who they are, is okay to be in my life….but not based upon whether they are meeting my needs, but based upon their heart and soul.

It has been part of my growth and healing to address all this.

Lilly ❤


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

9 thoughts on “A post to my page, on learning to let people be who they are….not what I need them to be.

  1. I am so hurting today from this. I just wish to disappear. Lat night I broke down like really felt something for the forest time in 27 years and my husband couldn’t cope. I feel like all my shit is just too much at the moment. Too much for anyone. I wish to disappear. Really disappear.

    • I understand those overwhelming emotions, I have experienced many over the last few years. My husband doesn’t understand my emotions or how I feel, he does his best, but I know how hard it is to not be understood ❤

      Take this one hour at a time, try to have some self soothing if you can, listen to music, watch a movie, or something that will help you as these intense emotions are being felt.

      Much love to you ❤

      • Thanks lilly. I’m just feeling so lost. And this aunty who I thought was the sane one abs not in my life for the last 27 years is telling me all this fucked up crazy sex shit and she has a theory about the boy that I talk about.

  2. Well-written. You basically described my 20s. Thing is, in my mid-30s I realized what I was doing and overcompensated the other way. This was fine as long as I was single; but now that I’m married, I’m finding it difficult to be a good family member to my wife’s family from all those years of being the lone wolf.

  3. That is so well written Lilly and just what I needed to know right now,thankyou

  4. I am thankful this post resonates with people. It is helpful to know we are not alone in this. I’ve had messages about this already and I know this is something many of us will be dealing with.

    I think being alone for a very long time, does create difficulties in relationships. I’m very introverted now and an old soul type too….so there is part of me, doesn’t want to have relationships.

    Now, I have come to this acceptance I’m actually happier on my own. I enjoy my own company and my own space now.

    I used to think I was a sociable people person, but I’m not. But I will let people be who they are now and have safe distance with any needed.

  5. A powerful post, my friend. It’s a subject I still need to work on myself.

    I had more here, but I decided to save it for my own space at my blog. Your post is very inspiring.

  6. Thankyou for this lil,it’s really helped me and answered a lot of my why questions,I still hate the word family though,it’s like a huge resentment towards the word coz of all it stands for and doesn’t work I guess

  7. The word ‘family’ is a tough one for me too.

    I know it is partly why I got sucked into the unhealthy church, I was abused at. They really push the ‘church family’ idea, but really it is more of a cult family. But, for a while I bought into wanting this to be my family and seeing people as my ‘brothers and sisters’ and got really hurt in the process.

    I think it is how these cult like people some draw people in.

    Now, I have accepted the painful reality, that I will never have a family as in a mother, father, siblings etc.

    It hurts and I am still grieving this, but I know it is needed.