I posted this, as I know this has been a big issue for me, and I want people to know, if they too are searching for family, to fill that big gaping hole where family were meant to be….it will only lead to more heartache.
It is needed, to address the understandable, but selfish aspects of who we are.
In the past, I was always searching for family…..due to my family of origin being so abusive.
So, those profound unmet childhood needs, continued on into adulthood and I wanted people to be the family I never had. Sadly, I have always gravitated towards mostly selfish people and narcissistic people, which is common in complex trauma survivors.
I never found the family I so desperately needed and have been repeatedly upset and felt abandoned by those who couldn’t be who I needed them to be.
Due to this insight, now I don’t search for family, I have boundaries from unhealthy people and I don’t expect people to fulfil my unmet needs, which I now see was very understandable, but very selfish and narcissistic part of me and I fully admit that. Although it didn’t lead to me hurting them….I just hurt myself more, by the inner feelings of repeated abandonment being so painful. All tied up in these self harming issues I have always had, including being drawn to unhealthy people, who will of course, let me down and hurt me.
Now I am letting people be who they are and decide whether who they are, is okay to be in my life….but not based upon whether they are meeting my needs, but based upon their heart and soul.
It has been part of my growth and healing to address all this.