Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Grieving the family I never had….and never will.



Unless you are someone who didn’t have any family that were ‘good enough’ as family members and were very abusive…..then you don’t know the pain of grieving the family you never had…and never will.

I have a huge gaping, hole in my soul,

where family were meant to be.

I know this will never be filled…..as I will never have this family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) and I have accepted this very painful understanding.

I don’t feel grieving all the time, but when I do….it swells up as huge waves of dark painful grieving, washing over me with force, knocking me to my knees. Tears and crushing pain in my chest.


I wonder if I will ever not have these grieving waves.

I know the fear I feel as this occurs, is my inner child….and I try to soothe and comfort myself and her. But, I know her tears have to flow, as with my adult self.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Grieving the family I never had….and never will.

  1. Beautiful. I get this.

    Other people find this so hard to understand, they take their families and emotional wellbeing for granted.

    I found good friends a few years ago – they were like a surrogate family to me, but its not quite the same and never lasts. They could never understand my down days.

    The grief is vastly understood. People can grasp a physical loss, and understand abuse to some extent, but other losses like the loss of youth, family, loss of wellbeing, those really deep emotional losses that no one understands unless felt. Complicated Grief I think is something vastly overlooked, and misunderstood.

    Gaining knowledge, finding people who understand and care, and allowing ourselves to grieve when it comes is important to try and feel as well as possible. I think any big loss will leave its mark, always be bad days, but finding a way to accept and integrate it into our lives is the possibly the best way to survive. I find writing helpful, and my photography has helped soothe – in a way it is art therapy.

    love the images,
    take care ❤

    • Actually, Lilly, your post just made me comprehend my situation even more. really deep. I certainly cant verbally express it, even words seem difficult. I think the combination of words and photos help more. Its the misunderstanding from others who deny me the things I need to get better that really hinders me feeling well again. thankyou.

  2. Reblogged this on pattyspathtohealing and commented:
    This is one of the places I am right now. Grieving what I never had. Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!

  3. Yeah… Not feeling safe, secure, loved, loving and smugly complacent over happy expectations that are mostly fulfilled is a nasty feeling for child . Grieving is in itself a distressing process