Poem – Evil’s Favourite Torture

I am thankful to now be able to confirm….my gun phobia is lessoning, as my husband is a police officer and I have become more comfortable around police officers having them.
I still hate guns, but less terrified of then, than previously.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Evil monster
Torture his delight
Inflicts
Such pain
Creating
Deepest
Fears

Gun’s his favourite
He loves
Their power
He amasses many
His pride and joy
So fear
Of death
He can devour

Pain
His menu
She knows
Tonight
The dark
Lonely forest
The host
This black night

Single bullet
He places
Within the
Barrel
Of his new
Torture toy
His shiny
Revolver

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You will die a thousand times…..

When you know enough about abuse and those who caused it..

It was needed for me…..to have to know what all the abuse was, why it happened and all the non obvious forms of abuse too.

I am a deeply processing person, I have to know, I have to research. I have to understand things…or I can’t accept them and move forward.

I am stubborn, which means I will not accept something without understanding it to the point when I know I ‘get it’. My doctor/counsellor will attest to this…..I won’t believe anything she says, unless I understand it and it makes sense to me…unless it sits well in my soul. It is a blessing she is so patient with me. I must be a nightmare as a client sometimes.

I’ve spent over 2 years researching abuse, abusers, all the different ways they hurt you, how society hurts people, how religion is used to hurt people….

I’m kinda done with all that for a while. I’ll still educate others about it, but I really am done with all that dark stuff.

My increasing acceptance of my aloneness, my introversion, is becoming easier over time.

I am increasingly accepting my aloneness. I’ve been alone my entire life.

I know why, a whole heap of reasons, trauma related, life wisdom related, not wanting to conform to a shallow society, old soul type stuff and more.

I’ve known my aloneness since I can ever remember. I used to call it terminal aloneness, because I desperately needed a family. Now I know this is never going to occur.

It is easier to accept it, than to fight it.

And I am adjusting to this and feeling increasingly happier in my own company.

You know you are healing when you can find humour…

I will say no more 🙂

Wisdom & healing are found in focussing on the light…

It is so easy for me to get drawn into the worlds of those with unhealthy minds, defending victims of abuse, explaining victim blaming/shaming is abuse, pointing out unhealthy minds that cause so much harm to others already harmed…

That protective part of me, that wants to stop every victim of abuse getting hurt even more.

But…..I know now when this getting drawn in to other people’s darkness is happening….and getting myself back out..faster…and re-focussing on what I need, for my healing, for my family.

I am starting to warm to the current Pope.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/slices/rick-warren-nt-wright-among-religious-leaders-invited-vatican-conference-marriage

He’s invited N.T.Wright to discuss marriage and that is a positive way forward.

I still believe the Vatican has a lot of in-house stuff it needs to focus on and should deal with that, before preaching to others about the state of their lives/marriages etc.

But, inviting others to discussions – is a positive.

Hard truth…..or comforting lie…. maturity seeks the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

A message of validation and hope for my community.

I have been better overall at self care lately.

I’ve been avoiding dodgy people, allowing myself to feel my needed emotions, but being able to do that for a while and then stop and concentrate on something else, so it doesn’t consume my whole day.

It has taken a lot of time and effort to get myself to this point and I have days that are better than others at this, but overall…I am improving and healing.

I definitely know keeping myself away from potential issues, focussing on my inner child healing and non self judgment of my needs….are all having a huge impact on my life, in a positive way.

If you are struggling with this, please know I absolutely understand, I have been in the depths of darkness and despair for long periods of time too ❤

But, I am sharing this, to give some hope that it is possible to get to a better place…..it takes time and is different for everyone.

I always want to validate where everyone is at and also give some hope.

Much love to all and (((((((hugs))))))) for anyone who needs one.

Lilly ❤

I support growth, honesty, introspection, humility – and the courage for all this.