I’ve been sat for the last few hours trying to figure out where these intense sadness/grieving/fear emotions and mild numbing/zoning out have come from.
I don’t know if it seeing my son upset, something I’ve read, or a combination of things, but my mood has plummeted in the last few hours.
I’m really glad the boys are in bed and my husband has gone to work as he’s on nightshifts, so I can just be alone. I’m aware that it is something from the past, because I have nothing happening right now, for it to be anything else.
I also feel exhausted, in a slightly differently way to my normal exhaustion I feel when things are going downhill. Like I am physically unwell, or becoming unwell.
In a book I have been reading about resilience, there is a section on insecure/fearful/avoidant attachment and I realise that due to the very poor parenting and personality disorder issues of my mother, her telling me she left me as a toddler with other people while she went to another state somewhere to work for months…I have attachment issues and this no doubt feeds in to my huge desire to stay well away from people now.
If I avoid everyone, I can’t get hurt anymore. I can’t let myself get hurt anymore.
Maybe this mood is due to something from the first 4 years of my life I cannot consciously remember, but is still there in my subconscious. Just thinking about this as I type it is causing me further anxiety, so I would say, I am probably close to the truth of why I am feeling like I do right now.
Fear, anxiety, sad, scared, don’t know what to do, powerless.