*** Trigger Warning.
True Love Hurts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
Love is pain
Messages seared
Into her core
If it doesn’t hurt
It’s not love
.
This pain
I need
I deserve
Their voices
Replay
.
Painful love
So young
‘It’s how I love you’
Any love craved
Than none
My husband said to me earlier, he has noticed my numbing out increasing.
I had been doing much better.
But, I know my mood has lowered over the last week or so. I have tried really hard to keep the momentum of inner child healing, finding humour, seeking joy with my family, seeking interactions with people I feel safe enough to engage with.
But, it isn’t holding.
Overall, I am slipping back. To my aloneness. To my darker thoughts and memories.
The intrusive thoughts of all so many memories – increasing. Running parallel with the deeper understanding of the stuff that is meant to be ‘parked’. But not staying parked.
The reality of the heinous damage caused and how it has affected my entire life, overwhelming.
And so terribly painful. Cruel. Unrelenting.
Things I can write about, but will never be able to vocalise. Continue reading
I could add a few more to the right hand list….empathy, compassion, honesty, altruism.
Society is now ‘what’s in it for me?’.
‘How will it affect me?’
‘I have a right to my opinion and I will vent it, even if I know it is hurting people.’
‘I can have success at any cost, even if it hurts others along the way’.
‘I can be apathetic about people getting hurt, if it means I stay out of the hassle of having to have courage to be involved.’
‘Not my problem, is it.’
‘Reputation/image, is paramount’.
Wisdom on why people believe it is okay to abuse/hit their children…
“I never see any comments that say ‘my mom never lifted a finger against me and I wish she had’.
It’s always “my parents hit/beat me and I’m alright, so the next generation should feel that too” which translates to me as..
“my painful childhood memories need to be validated through repetition – so that I don’t have to face the reality that I was abused”
Child abuse ie the bizarre cognitively distorted thinking ‘I have a right to hit a child, but not an adult’ – is generational abuse, caused by fear and denial, that is validated and encouraged by the majority.
It is also proven by neuroscience those who have strong conservative views, who are often those who believe in physical discipline to children, within and outside of Christianity……..either have a lack of empathy/EQ, and/or lack of IQ, plus have sociopathic traits. They hit their children for their own needs of venting anger, enjoy hitting their children….even if they don’t admit it.
*** Trigger Warning.
This poem is about the wounds inflicted by so much child abuse, including child sexual abuse and how that can create self harming issues, where a survivor equates pain, with sexual intimacy and continues the harm to self, inflicted by past abuse.
Your Knife, Is Love ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
.
Childhood
Garden of evil
Knives of pain
Much harm
Internalised Continue reading
Poem – No Fixed Personality War Within
Conflicting needs
Her mind, a war
Rarely any ceasefire
.
Craving aloneness
Fearing alone
Needs no-one
Needing everyone
http://www.rooknet.net/beatpage/writers/ferlinghetti.html
Seascape With Sun and Eagle ( Top of Page )
Freer
than most birds
an eagle flies up
over San Francisco
freer than most places
soars high up
floats and glides high up
in the still
open spaces
flown from the mountains
floated down
far over ocean
where the sunset has begun
a mirror of itself
He sails high over
turning and turning
where seaplanes might turn
where warplanes might burn Continue reading
https://newmatilda.com/2014/11/12/gough-memorial-once-his-life-tony-abbott-was-not-happy-clapper
From this link ^
Abbott’s refusal to applaud Blanchett was not a transformative experience of shame, but rather an arrogant display of his political position and power. Flanked by like-minded non-clappers, his lack of applause signalled that, as a politician, he is staunchly against the Australia Council, Medicare, equal pay and no doubt the extra ordinary list of other social policies that Noel Pearson listed later in the service too.
The real tragedy of the event is not the death of Gough, but that those “politely booing” all that he represented actually have the power today. Abbott and his men actually sat there and refused to applaud because they do not want to celebrate his legacy. They are in the middle of creating their own legacy by undoing his. Not clapping at the Whitlam memorial was them dancing on his grave.
I didn’t speak to my doctor about when this happened, in March, not that I remember.
I have issues with not correcting people’s wrong assumptions about me. Because I don’t like confrontation and I am so used to people assuming badly of me. Plus some people are intimidating, especially to m inner child.
Something I am trying to address.
It is true, that people never really know who you are, and make assumptions that are wrong.
Something I have lived with my entire life.
And makes me feel, very alone.
The last conversation I had with my doctor, didn’t go well, at all.
Several reasons, including about sex offenders, church’s etc, all very emotional stuff for me.
But within this conversation, something was said, that shows to me, that even my doctor has me wrong. And this really upset me and has continued to be on my mind.
I was trying to explain that seeing people at my son’s school, connected with the abusive church, and abusive minister – is something I find very difficult.
My doctor said – “why did I think they shouldn’t be there…?”
I never stated, they shouldn’t be there. Not at any point in my stress and anxiety, did I think they shouldn’t be there. They have every right to be there.
My issue is, I have PTSD – so seeing the ‘best friends’ of an abusive pastor – who caused me considerable damage, brings…
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I have decided to make a fairy garden, to put on the little deck my husband has built, near our pool.
Going to make a decent sized one, in a purple tub I have. Have a little area with water in it, and a little bridge going over it. Some little plants and some fairies, butterflies, toadstools, frogs and a little house etc.
I feel delight in thinking of doing this, which I know is my inner child’s delight.
As a child, I really wanted fairies to be real….so I could have someone to talk to.
Well, now I am going to make a fairy garden, which will be the closest to real.
My sons will enjoy it too, even though my 12 year old will adamantly deny that of course and say he ‘only finds it cute’ for his 5 year old brother 🙂
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Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
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