My husband said to me earlier, he has noticed my numbing out increasing.
I had been doing much better.
But, I know my mood has lowered over the last week or so. I have tried really hard to keep the momentum of inner child healing, finding humour, seeking joy with my family, seeking interactions with people I feel safe enough to engage with.
But, it isn’t holding.
Overall, I am slipping back. To my aloneness. To my darker thoughts and memories.
The intrusive thoughts of all so many memories – increasing. Running parallel with the deeper understanding of the stuff that is meant to be ‘parked’. But not staying parked.
The reality of the heinous damage caused and how it has affected my entire life, overwhelming.
And so terribly painful. Cruel. Unrelenting.
Things I can write about, but will never be able to vocalise.
The shame, the self disgust, the self hatred, the self loathing about that part within me…fierce.
I feel those walls going up, as the fear increases.
I feel the distancing.
I feel the hopelessness, starting to take hold.
But what I want to feel……….is nothing.
Is easier to bear.