Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Sliding into increasing aloneness, and numbing out.

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My husband said to me earlier, he has noticed my numbing out increasing.

I had been doing much better.

But, I know my mood has lowered over the last week or so. I have tried really hard to keep the momentum of inner child healing, finding humour, seeking joy with my family, seeking interactions with people I feel safe enough to engage with.

But, it isn’t holding.

Overall, I am slipping back. To my aloneness. To my darker thoughts and memories.

The intrusive thoughts of all so many memories – increasing. Running parallel with the deeper understanding of the stuff that is meant to be ‘parked’. But not staying parked.

The reality of the heinous damage caused and how it has affected my entire life, overwhelming.

And so terribly painful. Cruel. Unrelenting.

Things I can write about, but will never be able to vocalise.

The shame, the self disgust, the self hatred, the self loathing about that part within me…fierce.

I feel those walls going up, as the fear increases.

I feel the distancing.

I feel the hopelessness, starting to take hold.

But what I want to feel……….is nothing.

Nothing.

Is easier to bear.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Sliding into increasing aloneness, and numbing out.

  1. healing is not easy, as much as we can move forwards, sometimes we take backwards steps. do take care great lilly. wishing you well and hoping you feel brighter soon.

  2. I have been where you are now. I was numb for my late teens and early 20’s. Sometimes I wish I knew how to get back to that state again to put a lid on the panic and anxiety even if just for a little while. I guess I am healing as I feel my feelings now. But I wish some of them were less painful and more of them were positive feelings.