I nearly phoned my husband to come home earlier, because I was a mess. I could not speak about what it was causing this, but my husband knew as soon as he saw me, I was not okay. I said I can’t tell you. And he knows I blab on about everything normally, so he knew this was seriously bad.
So, I let him read the blog about what had happened to me when abused as a child and the one today about what I realised this means. I could tell he didn’t know what to say or do, didn’t know whether to hug me, or not. He blames my mother for all of this, as do I, because I believe she was complicit in all the abuse I endured. Which makes it all so much worse.
I can’t feel any emotion right now….just numbness. I don’t want to think about my mother right now. I am avoiding dealing with my deeper emotions about her.
It is beyond my capacity to describe what a childhood surrounded by evil, growing in the garden of evil, where not one person is safe or healthy, feels to a child.
And child sexual abuse, parents involved in it, is evil.
I don’t care who wants to downplay that and feel sorry for them – they can just shut up.
I’m thankful my husband doesn’t feel it necessary to tell me to have compassion for these people, doesn’t feel it necessary to remind me to ‘love my enemies’ and the like. I’m thankful he can model some anger and disgust about these people and what they did to me. Normal and needed human emotions about what these people do. I need this while I am healing, while I am still coming to terms with what these people did to me. Continue reading →
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