Getting drunk.

Kids and husband are in bed.

I am getting drunk, so I can get rid of these vile memories and thoughts out of my head.

Headphones on, music cranked up, alcohol going down very easily.

Poem  – She Drinks

.

Pain to be obliterated

Not feel it anymore

Never ending fucked up life

Burns to the very core

 

This is interesting about doctors. And how they get paid. And worrying.

I’ve heard this before, that doctors get paid by drug companies, get paid to refer to certain services etc.

I’ve asked about this, and was told this doesn’t happen. But clearly it does.

I agree, patients should know how doctors are paid…because there can be conflicts of interest – patients should know about.

There should be transparency and the only reasons there isn’t, is when people have something to hide.

It is bizarre this doctor received death threats and so much abuse, about raising attention and awareness about this. Just shows how much of a secret all this is. And secrets are always about something very wrong.

My husband read the blogs I hadn’t told him about. I can’t physically speak about.

I nearly phoned my husband to come home earlier, because I was a mess. I could not speak about what it was causing this, but my husband knew as soon as he saw me, I was not okay. I said I can’t tell you. And he knows I blab on about everything normally, so he knew this was seriously bad.

So, I let him read the blog about what had happened to me when abused as a child and the one today about what I realised this means. I could tell he didn’t know what to say or do, didn’t know whether to hug me, or not. He blames my mother for all of this, as do I, because I believe she was complicit in all the abuse I endured. Which makes it all so much worse.

I can’t feel any emotion right now….just numbness. I don’t want to think about my mother right now. I am avoiding dealing with my deeper emotions about her.

It is beyond my capacity to describe what a childhood surrounded by evil, growing in the garden of evil, where not one person is safe or healthy, feels to a child.

And child sexual abuse, parents involved in it, is evil.

I don’t care who wants to downplay that and feel sorry for them – they can just shut up.

I’m thankful my husband doesn’t feel it necessary to tell me to have compassion for these people, doesn’t feel it necessary to remind me to ‘love my enemies’ and the like. I’m thankful he can model some anger and disgust about these people and what they did to me. Normal and needed human emotions about what these people do. I need this while I am healing, while I am still coming to terms with what these people did to me. 

Numbed out. Robot mode.

Another realisation hit earlier….and my old and trusty friend dissociation comes to keep me safe, when the depth of the pain threatens to be far more than I can handle.

Sometimes I wonder when I will ever finish peeling through the layers of harm, revealing further and deeper levels of devastation people have caused me through my life.

Each and every realisation, comes with searing pain, and cruel emotional suffering.

Every time I wonder how much more I can possibly endure.

Intense pain earlier.

Numb now.

I wasn’t only molested as a child.

This is about child sexual abuse.

The immaturity of normalising and humourising unhealthy behaviours in adults.

I can tell I am in my bossy mood today….

I don’t like a lot of what I see in society…..and only because I see how unhealthy it is and how much harm it causes people. I want better than this for people. I want humanity to embrace virtuous beliefs, virtuous traits and reject all the unhealthy traits.

I don’t like or want to see society increasingly embrace everything that keeps people from seeking wisdom, keeps people immature, doesn’t encourage growth etc.

I see how so much e.g. on TV is such utter crap….and encourages poor behaviours….like reality TV, highly popular shows lie the Big Bang Theory. People think it’s just harmless, but it isn’t and I see the bigger picture.

I realise many will never see this bigger picture.

And I also realise I am still learning and growing too………..but I want society to be ‘willing’ and ‘wanting’ to grow, be honest and look within, have courage to say ‘I need to mature’.

I also realise most won’t and the ways I approach this, is helpful for some and not for others and that’s okay.

Deep, prolonged suffering can create something very powerful…

The ‘positivity fountains’ are making society, psychologically weaker. My insight, validated.

I have been blogging, writing about this for 2 years.

I always feel a great sense of relief when I see my insight and wisdom, validated – by professionals, who can put into words, in a far more eloquent way….exactly what I already know.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/why-negative-emotions-good_n_6107708.html?cps=gravity