My planning, organisational and practicality capacity, are all pretty poor these days.
I’ve spent a lifetime of being around people, who are bizarre, and want to consider what I do, how I think is wrong….but rarely think of their own issues.
This still continues.
My inner child’s voice has been silenced for decades. Even by me.
Now, her voice is being heard, she will say how people have hurt her, continue to hurt her and that is not okay, whether the hurt is intentional, or not. And why this hurt is occurring from others, whether they wish to take that on board or not.
I realise this is quite a freeing and needed stage to be at and she will continue to let her voice be heard, appropriately, but confidently and how others view that, is their issues, not hers.
I promised her, I wouldn’t let her down and be hurt anymore, and I meant it.
And that allows her, me, to have her voice.
My inner child is gaining a feeling of safety….that has come from me…..no-one else.
Because no-one else has her needs at heart and in mind, but me.
We are on our own, but we are getting stronger through every horrendous and devastating layer of trauma, that becomes revealed.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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In my childhood, no-one modelled anger and disgust about what abusers did to me.
I have come to realise, my inner child needs this now.
People who model compassion for abusers, minimize what they did, make excuses for them etc…create great fear in my inner child.
I have realised, people who choose to model compassion for abusers, rather than model her needs of seeing disgust and anger at the… harm they caused her…..won’t be trusted by her.
She closes down around people, who insist on showing positive emotions for abusive people, because that is what was done in childhood, when she was being abused.
This is a big issue in my counselling, because it is Christian based, and the Christian agenda of showing love for all, scares my inner child and I have realised this is why my inner child does not trust my counsellor.
Just some thoughts I have been having about my inner child over the last few days.
I love Jeff Brown’s work, he is very insightful into the human soul, and why people act in such a bizarre manner.
It’s not always what we think that gives away our unhealed places- it’s what sources the perspective. Those who are in denial around their own unresolved victimhood are often the most likely to deny another’s experience of victimhood. I see this often around some of the stories of famous people sexually assaulting women.
A group of armored people jump to the defense of the aggressor- not because they are truly aligned with his behavior- but because they have a strong emotional investment in their own emotional armor.
If they sympathize with those who have been victimized, they have to sympathize with their own woundedness. If they open their hearts to another’s unresolved pain, they have to drop down from their feigned positivity bubble and attend to their own shadow.
To deny victimhood is to further victimize. There is no shame in owning our woundedness. In fact, it may be the only thing that saves us.
Much truth in this and I can see why so many people side with, and defend abusers. Many reasons and this is one.
And it further abusers the victims.
Pete Walker describes it perfectly, that victims of child abuse, who never had their emotions and needs in childhood validated ….need this in adulthood. And within counselling. Especially within counselling.
Pete describes how survivors deeply need someone to model the normal human emotions of anger and disgust at what was done to us. And he would know…he is a survivor of child abuse.
It has not escaped my notice, that my counsellor, provides no modelling of anger and disgust for what people have done to me.
I’m thankful my husband does.
My counsellor is too self absorbed with her Christian agenda, of not being angry with anyone, of being ‘nice’ about everyone….even monsters who sexually abuse children. This is no doubt how it is for most Christian counsellors.
I see how this lack of empathy, sensitivity and insight for what the client needs, due to religious conditioning, causes issues for many. I have had many people contact me and let me know Christian based counselling has failed them in their healing journey. I see this is one of many reasons why. Continue reading