Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Back to no sleep……far too much swimming around in my mind…


It’s 1.30am, and I already know I won’t sleep all night. When I am having ‘all nighters’ I know things are bad.  feel like I could write a 100 poem’s with the thoughts running around my mind. I’ve written quite a few that I haven’t published as they are so graphic about abuse I have endured, so they stay where only I can see them.

I am overwhelmed currently and none of it is staying fucking parked.


Knowing my mother was complicit in the abuse I endured…

All the self harming issues I know I have, due to so much abuse…

All the abuse I have tolerated in the past, because I was raised to be abused, groomed my entire childhood for abuse, and more scared of being abandoned, than my norm of being abused…

How I have equated abuse with love/sexual intimacy…

And the latest…

Knowing I was raped (all forms of penetration are rape) in my childhood countless times, over a period of years, by a paedophile and I had minimized this abuse to cope, because no-one showed me the needed and normal emotions/reactions when I told my mother and step father…

It’s a lot to take in, in such a short time.

And it’s all evil, sick, fucked up abuse that has devastated my life……and people have always wanted to minimize, ignore all that. And focus on what’s wrong with ‘me’. And still do.

I have no-one I can talk to.

My husband doesn’t understand it all.

All I have is every hurtful thing said in counselling swimming around in my head and know there is no understanding of what I need there either..

No-one can help me with my inner child healing stuff.

And there is no way I am letting anyone hurt my inner child, invalidate her anymore, or try to say any of this was my fault….which is another reason I am avoiding counselling…..Christians love to victim blame.

None of this was my fault, I was a child…raised in a highly abusive, toxic environment, where ongoing abuse of every kind was occurring.

I was groomed from birth, to be abused.

And that is evil.

It’s taking everything I have, to not think about suicidal stuff and stay away from that.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Back to no sleep……far too much swimming around in my mind…

  1. You are not alone. Plenty of us understand your rage perfectly.

    Try this… This woman got angry and I found her post helpful for a moment of dealing with my rage, followed by several hours of bingewatching something compelling.

    You do not have a counsellor. Sounds like you were HER counsellor. So jot down all the hours you wasted already and send her a very big bill for your time. Then look into yanking her credentials.


  2. Words in these times never seem to help…no one can really know what your going threw…unless their in your shoes….Alls I can say is what I need in these times….Is Im here and listening…you are not alone in the fight. HUGS

  3. It sounds evil. It certainly was not your fault.
    If writing helps release, then do it, maybe start a new blog and set it private. invite only who you want to read it…….if anyone at all.
    wishing you well, all I can say like what has already been said by others – im here.