Feeling very low and sad tonight. I know this will happen and I accept it happens.
I am currently doing my absolute best to avoid thinking of any of the stuff I have processed in the last few months, because I cannot cope with it. I’m not writing about it, or reading about it and trying to avoid everything that may trigger anything.
I’m trying to fill my life with things I like, that bring me joy and I am doing my absolutely best to distract myself away from all the horror in my mind. Full on avoidance and attempted suppression, because sometimes that is the only choice. The alternative is far worse.
But, I do know I will not heal this way.
I need to deal with it and talk to someone but I don’t have anyone safe enough to do that with. I need someone with empathy, who tells me none of it was my fault, none of the shame is mine to own, none of what happened to me was deserved and I’m not a bad person for having emotions about what was done to me. Continue reading