Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I am aware, I won’t heal by avoiding, suppressing….but I have no choice now.

Feeling very low and sad tonight. I know this will happen and I accept it happens.

I am currently doing my absolute best to avoid thinking of any of the stuff I have processed in the last few months, because I cannot cope with it. I’m not writing about it, or reading about it and trying to avoid everything that may trigger anything.

I’m trying to fill my life with things I like, that bring me joy and I am doing my absolutely best to distract myself away from all the horror in my mind. Full on avoidance and attempted suppression, because sometimes that is the only choice. The alternative is far worse.

But, I do know I will not heal this way.

I need to deal with it and talk to someone but I don’t have anyone safe enough to do that with. I need someone with empathy, who tells me none of it was my fault, none of the shame is mine to own, none of what happened to me was deserved and I’m not a bad person for having emotions about what was done to me. Continue reading


Found out today, about more corruption going on in a church.

I won’t say where and who is involved, but this doesn’t surprise me and I had already sensed this may occur.

Spiritual abuse and bullying (narcissism/sociopathy), goes on more within churches more than most church people want to admit.

It’s obvious to me as well, that where there are people who are not blind to this darkness….there will be more abuse occurring,  to get them out. Satan works harder against those who will call out the darkness in others.

And there will be all those blind to the truth, blind to what is obviously occurring….all going along with it, or ignoring/avoiding it. All enabling this darkness to continue and increase, but they won’t admit that to themselves, or accept what they do is wrong. Their need to continue their actions, paramount above truth and goodness. Cheap grace often used and is a terrible darkness running throughout churches worldwide.

People always do what they need to do. Believe what they want to believe. Churches are full of such people.

Many victims of abuse occur as a result, and they are just forced out, and the abusers raised up as a result. All completely the opposite of what Jesus modelled.

It’s truly terrible.


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Given up trying to explain myself to people who aren’t listening, but are trying to silence my voice.

Many people have tried to dispute & silence my voice and my views throughout my life and it is continuing.

I have accepted this is part of life and just intend avoiding people who clearly believe they know everything and I must therefore be wrong if I disagree with them.

People who think they know it all….will always claim I only see things from my point of view, which actually isn’t correct. They are just projecting their own issues.

It interests me as well, how people who haven’t experienced severe abuse from psychopaths and the like…..can believe they truly know what these people are like and how their minds work and the damage they cause others. And they form opinions based upon limited understanding.

Without having endured it, there is a lack of experience of them. Experience and true understanding, that can only be gained via enduring them.

You can have all the academic and education knowledge in the world, but without the life experience of enduring it, the wisdom is limited.

Of course, those with ego, will always refute this.

And I have give up trying to explain to such people.

It is a waste of my time.


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Taking a sabbatical….

Having got to a point of being completely overwhelmed by all I have come to understand in the last few months and being scared to process any more, I am forcing myself to try not to think about any of it.

I’m attempting to concentrate on nice, pleasant stuff, making my home my own little healing sanctuary, creating my little fairy garden, focussing on creative interests, focussing on inner child healing, while I block out the world, all bar some internet connection.

Not advice everyone needs and I am not suggesting this for others.

I have stopped as an admin on my PTSD page for a while.

I did have this blog as private, but have received many messages all requesting access and wanting to view what I have written previously, as so many do relate to it all. So, I have changed it to viewable by all again.

I have a new blog I am using while I go through this stage of my journey.

@ http://lillyhopelucario.wordpress.com/

Lilly ❤