Feeling very low and sad tonight. I know this will happen and I accept it happens.
I am currently doing my absolute best to avoid thinking of any of the stuff I have processed in the last few months, because I cannot cope with it. I’m not writing about it, or reading about it and trying to avoid everything that may trigger anything.
I’m trying to fill my life with things I like, that bring me joy and I am doing my absolutely best to distract myself away from all the horror in my mind. Full on avoidance and attempted suppression, because sometimes that is the only choice. The alternative is far worse.
But, I do know I will not heal this way.
I need to deal with it and talk to someone but I don’t have anyone safe enough to do that with. I need someone with empathy, who tells me none of it was my fault, none of the shame is mine to own, none of what happened to me was deserved and I’m not a bad person for having emotions about what was done to me.
It’s not escaped my attention that my counsellor has never said these things to me. Which in failing to say them, by failing to show any emotions about what has been done to me…means I think she does believe it was in some way fault, it is my shame to own, it was deserved and I don’t deserve anyone to model disgust at what was done to me. And that she thinks I am a bad person. And the abusers are not bad.
I’m too scared to speak up, for fear of what I may be told, further invalidation to occur, my views and opinions on people shut down…..and my voice silenced further.
I recently attempted to voice some of this, and as usual ended up apologising and felt shame for speaking. My husband said I had nothing to apologise for and I shouldn’t have. My needs are my valid needs and if I voice they are not being met, that is okay and I should be able to, without fear.
So, I have given up.
Given up on my needs being met, given up on counselling, given up on people, given up on life outside of my own home. It is the only place I feel any safety, my home.
I am doing my best to fill my life with nice things to do and think about, to stop reading trauma stuff so I don’t process anymore of what has occurred to me, as I am so scared of it pushing me over the edge.
I am and will do my best, to have something good going on in my life….because I do believe I deserve nice things to occur..
But, with a deep level of underlying sadness and despair, that I am not healing anymore and I can’t. And these horrific memories and realisations will stay with me, always lurking just under the surface, waiting for times I am tired, sad, to rise up from the shallows and consume me deeply, with fear, terror, shame and sadness.
It will now be a never ending journey of trying to suppress this….
This was not how I assumed and hoped my healing journey would travel.
And I feel like I am starting to grieve this ‘loss’ in believing I would heal much more.