Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am aware, I won’t heal by avoiding, suppressing….but I have no choice now.

6 Comments

Feeling very low and sad tonight. I know this will happen and I accept it happens.

I am currently doing my absolute best to avoid thinking of any of the stuff I have processed in the last few months, because I cannot cope with it. I’m not writing about it, or reading about it and trying to avoid everything that may trigger anything.

I’m trying to fill my life with things I like, that bring me joy and I am doing my absolutely best to distract myself away from all the horror in my mind. Full on avoidance and attempted suppression, because sometimes that is the only choice. The alternative is far worse.

But, I do know I will not heal this way.

I need to deal with it and talk to someone but I don’t have anyone safe enough to do that with. I need someone with empathy, who tells me none of it was my fault, none of the shame is mine to own, none of what happened to me was deserved and I’m not a bad person for having emotions about what was done to me.

It’s not escaped my attention that my counsellor has never said these things to me. Which in failing to say them, by failing to show any emotions about what has been done to me…means I think she does believe it was in some way fault, it is my shame to own, it was deserved and I don’t deserve anyone to model disgust at what was done to me. And that she thinks I am a bad person. And the abusers are not bad.

I’m too scared to speak up, for fear of what I may be told, further invalidation to occur, my views and opinions on people shut down…..and my voice silenced further.

I recently attempted to voice some of this, and as usual ended up apologising and felt shame for speaking. My husband said I had nothing to apologise for and I shouldn’t have. My needs are my valid needs and if I voice they are not being met, that is okay and I should be able to, without fear.

So, I have given up.

Given up on my needs being met, given up on counselling, given up on people, given up on life outside of my own home. It is the only place I feel any safety, my home.

I am doing my best to fill my life with nice things to do and think about, to stop reading trauma stuff so I don’t process anymore of what has occurred to me, as I am so scared of it pushing me over the edge.

I am and will do my best, to have something good going on in my life….because I do believe I deserve nice things to occur..

But, with a deep level of underlying sadness and despair, that I am not healing anymore and I can’t. And these horrific memories and realisations will stay with me, always lurking just under the surface, waiting for times I am tired, sad, to rise up from the shallows and consume me deeply, with fear, terror, shame and sadness.

It will now be a never ending journey of trying to suppress this….

This was not how I assumed and hoped my healing journey would travel.

And I feel like I am starting to grieve this ‘loss’ in believing I would heal much more.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I am aware, I won’t heal by avoiding, suppressing….but I have no choice now.

  1. Lilly
    I have been reading your story for many months now. I can relate to what you are saying about society and how they are. Its not every day I hear someone such as yourself being absolutely raw and real and I appreciate that about you. You have amazing talent in writing what you feel. I struggle to put on paper what i am thinking but you hit it on the nail every time and validate.
    What happened to you has NEVER been your fault and never will be. You have ever right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Your therapist is living in a bubble world and I have met therapists like her myself and left and never looked back.
    I am currently alone ( just my cat). I have many people in my life that do not give a shit and make zero effort to show they care. I spent my 50th birthday alone last week and was treated like shit by my own daughters.
    You matter a great deal to me. I have some on line support but no one in real life. I am dead inside…empty.
    Love your little garden..its comforting to see.
    Marlene

    • Thank you for your message Marlene ❤

      I am so sorry you were alone on your Birthday and please know, I know how that feels and how being alone can feel beyond terrible to endure ❤ ❤

      It deeply saddens me how many of us feel so alone. I am trying to create a life I can enjoy in my aloneness. I'm glad the pics of my fairy garden are comforting for you to see ❤

      I have come to realise that most people, therapists included, live in a bubble if they haven't endured severe prolonged suffering. I truly believe you have to have endured it, to know it and understand it and know what we need.

      ((((((hugs))))) to you, if you would like them ❤ ❤ ❤

      • What a doll you are. It’s impossible for them to know…head knowledge maybe but only to a certain degree. Validation and allowing a person to go through every emotion as long as they need to is so important (without judgement). What in God’s name do they expect when victims are brutally abused on so many different levels? My father was a psychopath…brother a narc. Last relationship was the worst. I don’t talk about it much. I have been alone for most of my life like you. One abusive relationship after another and now at 50 it’s come to a head. Its so hard to function at work and I associate with no one (male dominated work) I commend you for expressing yourself. You have EVERY reason to feel the way you do and you are right on the mark. NOTHING NOTHING that happened to you was ever your fault. You are very much loved and needed. I also know how some people can shut you down…Oh do I know that one…It’s too much! Many hugs back to you!

  2. Thank you Marlene ❤

    It is much needed to vent all our needed emotions and disheartening when others fail to understand that and often it's not even intentional…they just don't 'get it'. I have to remind myself of that…frequently.

    I think you have so much courage and strength to keep going, to endure all you have and to be working as well and I know the toll that must take on you.

    I am so sorry you endured an abusive upbringing and you know how much I understand that. I think it is the most cruel thing a person can endure – highly abusive parents and siblings and have no-one to turn to as a child, teenager, adolescent.

    I hate that these people hurt us so much, that our aloneness is something we have to deal with all our lives and whilst I hate how the internet is used for such harm…that at least people like you and I can connect and know there is someone out there who does understand.

    My heart is with you Marlene ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. Hi Lilly.
    This is how you feel today, my motto.. it can only get better on these sort of days and it will. None of the abuse you endured was your fault and it’s not your shame to carry. How can people who don’t know you understand what you’ve endured, most counsellors go to college and read books and think they know everything. What I find as well is you end up as a label, you’re this, you’re that, you’ve got this, you’ve got that. How the hell can anyone know another’s reality unless they’ve walked in their shoes.
    Get rid of that counsellor, she’s definitely not the one for you! Don’t allow these vile entities to win either. You’re more powerful than all of them put together and I’ll keep stating this fact until you start to believe it.
    Lilly you are giving yourself the validation you need, hear you own inner voice. You yourself know who you really are if you look within. Anyone who’s trod a similar path knows how you feel and can totally empathise with you. The creativity will release all of them pent up emotions and balm your wounds and eventually heal them. It will happen, I can vouch for it… 🙂
    I’ll not be going into any detail about my own personal experiences as such on my site by the way. I did that with the poem. I don’t need any validation any more, I carry no guilt over others wrong doing, that’s their cross to bear, not mine. I got to this point in my life with my creativity and catering for my inner child, I as a mother felt for her. 🙂 I’m aware of my limitations and accept who I am, all of me, after all, only me can make my own reality brighter.
    I’m quite confident you’ll reach this stage too. Every day, ask yourself, ” What can I do to put a smile on my face? ” Tell yourself, ” I want to feel better than I do right now,” your mind will start to throw up it’s own solutions and answers. I do agree though, step back for a while and do some positive stuff. Pamper yourself, go play out in your garden etc, buy yourself a set of disco lights for when you have a drink, play your music and dance like no one is looking, sing, anything to get that negative energy right out of your body. Have fun and just be until you feel generally stronger in yourself.
    Give yourself the love and validation you crave, then eventually you’ll have no need of an outside source for anything on this front. You’ll eventually gain an inner peace unlike anything you have ever felt before too.
    You can do this Lilly, I know you can. It’ll take time, like any of the finest works in progress. 🙂 I’m here if you need anyone to talk to. 🙂
    Big hugs your way, stay strong, onwards and upwards eh girl. 🙂
    Jen. xxx
    Ps; Here’s a link to a song I wrote, it’s from me to you, for your inner child to hear. It’s called ” A mothers lullaby ” 🙂

    Another song I wrote, ” Be still “. 🙂

    Love light and healing your way!
    Jen.xxx

  4. MM don’t know hat happened there, but here’s the link to my u tube space, the songs are in my uploads… 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/user/wijnton2012?feature=guide

    Jen. xxx