***Trigger warning, this is about child sexual abuse.
Due to my childhood, being raised by narc/sociopath parents, being sexually abused, raped repeatedly by a paedophile (as I have now got my head around, as any form of penetration is rape), I also realise how much this has affected my whole life, in terms of sex and intimacy.
As with any grooming, both by the paedophile and the sadistic psychopath…at the beginning I wanted the attention…and they deliberately choose victims they know will respond to attention. I wasn’t having normal emotional needs met by my parents. Children don’t understand that some of the grooming behaviours are wrong, but want close human contact, so do want it. And this is known by these predators in their grooming process.
And our bodies are designed to respond to sexual stimulation, even in situations of abuse. That is well known. It happens and also causes great shame and self loathing. But, it creates that wiring in your mind, that abuse done to me = sexual stimulation/pleasure.
As a result of this, I grew to think some forms of abuse done to me were okay and craved them. By the time I had been manipulated to leave home, and was being further groomed by the psychopath, I wanted and liked to be hurt, but not too much. I liked being treated a bit roughly, being overpowered, and I realise a lot of women enjoy this, after all that is what the whole 50 Shades of Grey books and forthcoming movies are centred around, abuse/hurt, as pleasurable.
But, as with the male character in the 50 Shades of Grey books – this is due to abuse. Only he liked inflicting it and I like receiving it.
When I think about this, it is disgusting really and I see that and it creates great shame within me. Shame that is not mine to own, but I feel it anyway. It’s what I learned – some pain to me = sexual stimulation = okay/good.
Of course, the abusers then want to believe you ‘want’ to be abused more, so do abuse you more. Their sick needs to hurt others escalate and then the very severe harm occurs, a lot of pain, the threats, the mind control etc…by then you are already in their power and under their control.
I have a pattern, as with some of my other abuse/trauma induced self harming issues, of needing to feel like I am being hurt. Sounds sick and I agree it is. That is how child sexual abuse and grooming over periods of years can affect a person. It’s the way your brain wiring forms for sexual intimacy.
Child sexual abuse and being groomed for this, is evil.
I’m not saying those who abuse in this way are evil, but what they do is evil and they know it is wrong, but ‘choose ‘to do it anyway.
And I am not minimizing that, even if others need to – to make it seem less disgusting, less horrific.
This is really hard to come to terms with, and I know I have to.
And I allowed to be very angry that all this happened to me. I was a child.
I am allowed my needed emotions about all this.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
November 24, 2014 at 9:46 am
Wonderful honest posting about what it is to be hurt as a child in this way.
November 24, 2014 at 6:04 pm
Thank you, it was very hard to write. But, I know others will be going through the same.
dealing with shame is a huge part of the healing process, that as yet, I don’t know how to deal with.
Lilly ❤
November 25, 2014 at 10:27 am
This is what hurts the most lilly. I just want to hurt myself so bad. Nobody gets it except people who have been through this. Shame. Blame.
November 24, 2014 at 11:05 pm
No one talks about this part of the ripple effect abuse has on us. Thank you bringing it to light. And for letting other survivors hear that they are not alone in this struggle for healthy relationships and intimacy. I can relate.
November 25, 2014 at 1:01 am
I get so tired of trying to tell new partners what I went through. So tired of being asked so when your dad was doing this crap to you, where was your mother? Didn’t she know???
?
?
?
*ding*
Got it, got the answer, thank you. Mother was in her bed, grateful for a night of sleep, because if dad wasn’t abusing me, he’d be with her, and she told me a couple of times, years later, that she despised sex with him, always, because she believed she was frigid. Plus my parents were the most sexually clueless people and were only too happy to stay that way.
When I finally had my first consensual sex in college with a wonderful and patient young man, my parents could not wrap their minds around that it was mutual and pleasant and I would do it again. They were certain it was rape. When I would not go along with that, mother’s final attempt to cripple me was to declare “one day you will meet a man you want to be a virgin for, and you will hate yourself for the rest of your life.”
It hurt, for about a day, until my new honey heard and laughed and said “uhh… if a man demanded virginity, you wouldn’t even have a coffee with him.” So mother’s bull was all about her issues… the family secret.. mom was not a virgin when she married dad. So you can bet he bullied her with that all her life.
November 25, 2014 at 12:43 pm
Thank you for this post. Even though it makes me not be able to breathe because I can’t quite grasp that I craved attention…that I still crave attention…I just want to be done with my childhood. I’m just sick from trying to deal with this.
November 25, 2014 at 3:48 pm
I have received private messages about this post and I know sharing this, helps others know they are not alone.
I am sick of taboo issues and society not understanding what victims of child sexual abuse go through and how much it affects us.
I am thankful if anything I post, helps anyone feel less alone and helps them to feel emotionally validated in their journey. Especially in this increasingly un-empathic, victim shaming/victim blaming, emotionally abandoning society.
I’m so O V E R the ‘think positive thoughts’…’count your blessings’ brigade. These issues need dealing with and attention raising about it.
Far too many children are being abused, and so few people genuinely care about this.