I am trying really hard to focus more on all the good in my life, and I’ve been doing pretty well, considering.
It’s very easy for horrific trauma and processing it, coming to understand the depth and severity of it….to consume you. I’m a strong person and it can consume me totally, so I have no judgment for those who are consumed by their trauma. The pain, is crippling.
But on the whole, I’ve been doing well in forcing myself to focus on good for larger parts of the day. And there is much good in my life. Jesus, my children, my husband, our home, my counselling, my healing, the fact that we have access to health, education, water, food, jobs, my sense of humour, my pool, my fairy garden… etc… So much I realise the majority of the world does not have. And I often take for granted, as so many in 1st world countries do.
So whilst swimming up and down in the balmy 30 degrees water of our fab pool, admiring my fairy garden and all it’s pretty lights, admiring the new lights my husband put up shining onto our pool….I felt a huge sense of thankfulness and blessings, that I prayed I could feel more often.
I am very aware I need to process through all the trauma and it takes time. And it is very painful and I cannot suppress it.
I reflected as I was admiring all the pretty lights, how I am now able to feel more ‘light’ in my life, than the ongoing, consuming, relentless darkness of pain, fear, grief, sorrow, betrayal and abandonment.
I do feel in a healthier state of emotion control and strength to endure this healing…to deal with the darkness of my past…whilst accepting and feeling the increasing light of my now, and my future.
Praise Jesus ❤