Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I look forward to being able to be on my own and not having to be in a bad marriage.

It’s not easy being in a marriage with someone you have nothing in common with except your children. I should never have got married to my husband and it is a decision I regret in every way, other than my children.

We are not compatible in any way, at all. Faith, intelligence, emotional intelligence, empathy for others, passion for causes, charitable needs, thinking capacity….the list is endless.

I’ve sadly, always been drawn to shallow, narcissistic people, and my husband is those things too. He only cares about anything that benefits himself, and is vacuous, uninteresting, boring, shallow and has nothing of interest to say.

If I knew 14 years ago, what I know now, I would never pick a man like him, to be with and definitely not to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn’t want him in my life at all.

In fact, spending the rest of my life with him, quite frankly makes me feel incredibly depressed.

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Friends fell away as I individuated on my soul’s journey ~ Jeff Brown.

I identify so much with Jeff Brown and his insight and depth of awakening.

Friends fell away as I individuated on my soul’s journey. As I shed one self-sense, I no longer identified with the people attached to it. Old ways of interacting seemed artificial, scripted, silly. Whereas before it was fine to hang out and waste time, now there was no time to lose. Now I had to protect my sacred purpose from connections that undermined it.

Be prepared for the lonely times on the journey. It can very isolating to quest for true path amid the trumpets of modern life. Walking through unchartered territories often means walking alone. This is particularly true in the transition stages before you find a conscious soulpod. It can be like primary school all over again- who will be my first ‘real’ friends? (~an excerpt from ‘Soulshaping’)


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Why I try to help educate others…..


I tried to explain in counselling, why I choose to attempt to educate people about the traits within abusive people, that harm others.

I do this, because I know education is needed and is the only way to help reduce abuse….and not just re-actively deal with victims and mental health issues, afterwards.

I think many counsellors, and those in the mental health arena, do just focus on dealing with re-active work. It’s like they come to an acceptance and apathetic state of knowing harm occurs, and just deal with the victims afterwards. And don’t want to talk about ‘bad’ people, especially if they are Christians and just seem to want to accept people for what they are, no matter how much harm they cause others.

I don’t want to become that person.

Yes, I want to help victims/survivors of abuse, but I want to also try to help educate people, so they can be hurt less. Pro-active work, as well.

Because, I know the effects of such devastating harm/abuse. And I had no-one ever to step in and let me know what was going on. No-one.

Because I had no-one say to me my mother is a narcissist/sociopathic person, so I suffered for decades.

Because I had no-one tell me that sexual abused children, often go on to harm themselves more, by being drawn to more narcissistic/sociopathic people, so I got hurt more.

No-one educated me, or helped me,

or let me know what was really going on.

So, I got harmed, abused and suffered,

repeatedly, over 4 decades,

and it is devastating.

And now I am having to deal with

it all, re-actively. 

I so wish someone had helped me,

much earlier.

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Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know about psychology, cognitive distortions, personality disorder traits.

I can honestly say, before I started educating myself about psychology, I did see so many things in humanity, that I knew where not okay, including my own behaviours.

Everywhere I look now, I see so much about human thinking that is not okay and the harm and suffering it causes. All of what is going on the US atm, is heartbreaking.

It was easier to not understand what is causing all this.

It was actually easier for me to just think ‘I’ am crazy, everyone else was pretty normal, and just have self loathing. I’m used to that. I know how to deal with thinking it must be me that has it all wrong, because so many people think differently to me.

Having insight, and insight into humanity, quite frankly……sucks. Empathy, is painful.

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Delusional, grandiose statements, show people’s lack of capacity for deep thinking.

I was talking to my wise counsel, about this common issue people have saying to others ‘you are amazing, incredible, awesome’ and how I know this is not appropriate. No-one is these terms, no matter how much their delusions, want to believe it.

It was explained to me, this shows a mind not able to think deeply, unable to see clearly and with an honest and more insightful mind.

Using grandiose (non truthful) words, is popular and ego attractive. I also know it also shows no capacity for humility and I know to only seek advice, from people with the maturity to understand humility. 

A soul able to maintain humility,

is where wisdom is far more

likely to be found.

If anyone is going to compliment me (and I don’t ‘need’ compliments), I would much rather see a comment like this, I received from a mental health professional…it shows thought and is far more appropriate and speaks of specific strengths…but doesn’t give a delusional, grandiose view.

“Your courage in speaking out and your honesty and compassion are truly inspirational, Lilly. May your journey be short and your voice loud. Hugs and love back to you.”

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