Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

You don’t know the real mind of evil, unless you have endured it personally.

Worth re-blogging, because I know personal experience, is life wisdom, is wisdom you cannot attain, any other way.
I have told my counsellor, I believe and I know enduring experience of them, makes me wiser about them.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I have had an ‘interesting’ life.

Many of my life experiences, have been about the darker sides of humanity. I have endured narcissists, sociopaths, a sadistic psychopath, paedophiles, spiritually abused by a minister and church…and have a ‘wealth’ of experience of all different types of abuse.

But, far more than ‘knowing’ their behaviours, I have endured their evil behaviours. And over prolonged periods of time.

I will argue with any mental health professional, psychiatrist etc – that unless you have endured their abuse personally, and seen into their eyes, witnessed them and what they are capable of ‘in their acts’, learned their behaviours to survive, felt the pain they cause….

Then you do NOT understand them. Or the harm they are capable of.

Mental health professionals will argue this is wrong. Even my own professional counselling support may disagree with this, but experience of these abusive people in action –…

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One thing I will never be pressured into believing is okay….is not believing the victim, fully.

I’m aware through my own experiences in life, that it is human nature with many, to always assume a victim of abuse, is potentially lying, or exaggerating.

And protect the accused abuser. I’ve endured with repeatedly.

The most recent was about abuse from a church minister. As I have blogged, everyone chose to believe what they ‘wanted‘ to believe.

Even my own doctor/counsellor used the words about the abuse that occurred that the narc minister and I were ‘seeking comfort in each other’. They were her exact words at the beginning, and I remember them very clearly. It was an assumption she made, that was wrong. Very wrong. It minimized completely what he was doing and his intentions. and what happened to me.

But, it was what her Christian conditioning, makes her need to believe this. And it is why perpetrator protecting occurs so much in churches.

After the mediation where it became far more clear to the professional people as to the darkness within him and his wife, and then the corrupt in-house investigation – where even she was lied about, I think she realised, I was in fact – telling the truth.

So, it shows that everyone can make assumptions, and they are nearly always invalidating and further abuse, about victims of abuse. This did add to my lack of trust in her and something else I should no doubt raise, as she has told me to raise anything that causes issues between us.

And not only did she not believe me when I was telling the truth from the start, but everyone else concerned, chose to not believe me.

I learned a huge lesson from this…

All this ever does – is aid, enable and help abusive people and allow them to continue.

And it further hurts, invalidates and abuses the victims more.

This particular abuser, has been promoted, another big issue within churches. I have been told this is a very unwise decision by the Baptist Church. But, I am not stupid, this is church – all denomination wide issue..

And this is exactly why so much abuse goes on within Churches and everywhere and one reason why abuse is increasing.

Is it any wonder, I don’t trust church people? Any of them.

I don’t even trust my own Christian counsellor/doctor, to deal with abuse appropriately. I’ve seen her make wrong assumptions. And her husband is an elder at the church they belong to. I wonder if any abuse victims have been treated like me, at that church?

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Dance moves and expressionate interpretation of highly emotive songs.

Two songs that resonate deeply with me, from my past, and somewhat in my present, are

Lana Del Rey’s ‘Ultraviolence’ and ‘Fucked My Way Up To The Top’.

They are due to my self harming, trauma re-enacting issues, due to all the prolonged childhood sexual abuse/rape, prolonged severe abuse/rape from a psychopath, that I cannot talk about.

I used dance and music when I was a child and teenager, to express my emotions and pain. So, recently I decided to do this again, and I have put together some dance and expression/movement interpretation of these songs, as to my pain and emotions about these songs.

It feels very emotive when I do this and I use my body, my face and my emotions to feel this music and the lyrics.

It is something that is helping me deal with this.

Not something I could ever show anyone, even though it probably is okay to watch, because I know dance, expression and emotions, are my ‘thing’. I was a very talented ballet dancer and you don’t lose this, even if you forget the particular dance moves.

It helps me, to release and cope with the emotions, through my body and facial expression.

A post I wrote on my page, with a heart of wanting to create some hope.

I wrote this post the other day, because I am increasingly aware of needing to be a positive/validating role model, for my community. I want to validate how horrendous this journey can be, be very honest, share all of it, and create hope.

I also don’t post anywhere near as much as I used to on my community pages, because I also want to be a better role model with this too. I accept and fully understand why people become absorbed on the internet, it is a coping method and a way of zoning out from the pain of PTSD memories and symptoms. It also is a way of connecting with others who understand.

So I have no judgment of others who do this, I understand, fully. But, as we progress through this journey, it is needed to manage online time and try to focus on other things that help healing too.

❤ A little message from me – with love ❤

This journey is not easy….the last 3 years, since my ‘breakdown’, have been incredibly painful at times. I have nearly not made it a few times, due to feeling suicidal, severely depressed and in intense emotional pain.

So if you feel this way, please know I absolutely do understand and that fear and hopelessness of it never getting better.

It is consistently getting better for me at the moment and although I am still processing deeply traumatic issues, I am emotionally stronger, to deal with it.

I no longer consider it to have been a ‘breakdown’ 3 years ago….I consider it to be the start of my healing/recovery ‘breakthrough’.

I hope this can give a little hope to those who may feel it is never going to get better ❤
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I have been avoiding the issues within my marriage, because I predict what I will hear in Christian counselling.

I know part of the reason I have been avoiding the deep issues within my marriage, is because I know what I will hear in counselling.

I’ve tested the waters on this, and it’s always about having to just put up with it, after all, ‘we are all sinners’ and we should think of the other persons issues and have compassion. I heard my doctor/counsellor say at a conference she was speaking at, that women who whinge about their husbands should just stop, because after all ‘they picked their husband’. This stuck in my mind as not okay, because people should not have to tolerate abuse, harm.

Yes, we are all sinners, but it is about the heart of someone and their willingness to change. Their willingness to deal with their issues. And the heart behind the issues. if they are narcissistic and harmful and feel entitled to that, is it needed to just tolerate that?

I don’t believe God wants us to keep tolerating harmful issues, when there is no hope of it getting any better.

I know many church people believe staying in abusive, harmful, non healthy marriages is what God wants and I disagree. That’s just self harming and enabling emotional abuse. It’s like self flagellation, for making a poor choice in marriage decision. Does that mean you have to be harmed continually and tough, you deserve it for making a poor choice?

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I know I have let my children down, by marrying an untrustworthy, narcissistic, selfish man.

I am very aware I have had emotional self harming issues, and have gravitated towards narcissistic people. I understand now, the reasons why, and I am aware these people are not healthy for me to be around.

I am in a marriage, that is not good for my continued wellbeing. I know this, and I am not willing to ‘make the best of a bad situation’ anymore, by ignoring the bad.

My husband isn’t a ‘bad’ ‘evil’ person, but he is very selfish and very narcissistic too often and he knows this, but is unwilling to deal with it, or change, or grow. Because he feels entitled to be so.

I’m aware I screwed up, unknowingly. Marrying a man, who is only ever concerned with his own needs. He is the opposite to me, and only encourages anything in our relationship, that gets ‘him’ what he wants. And sulks, acts like a teenager when he doesn’t have what he wants. He has little communication skills and quite frankly, I am sick of tip-toeing on egg shells around him.

I am very aware, if you are in a relationship, where you need to tip toe around someone a lot and have anxiety because of this, it is very unhealthy.

The fact that my 12 year old comes and confides in me what he himself has worked out about his father, is very upsetting and I feel like I have let my children down, by having children with a man who has such obvious issues, that even a child can work it out.

I shouldn’t be in a marriage, where when my child and my husband are accusing each other of lying, I actually can’t trust my husband, because I know he does lie.

And my 12 year old son, should not be unable to trust his father and know his father lies. Or have to keep hearing from his father – name calling and being provoked by his father, who is provoking his child, because of his own bad moods and narcissism. Projecting his own issues, onto his son. It’s abusive.

And it bothers me greatly, that I see this going on to my own children. Repeatedly.

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