Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Alone. Again.

Sometimes I like to pretend it’s gone.

But, it’s never gone.

That crushing, terminal aloneness…I know so well.

It’s how it’s always been. Since childhood. It’s always there.

Either just under the surface.

Or rising up and reminding me, of it’s dark solitude.

It’s ever present need to consume me.

Remind me. Torment me. Persecute me. Isolate me. Invade me. Shame me.

I don’t deserve anything else.





I still have overwhelming waves of grieving & no matter what others choose to believe….it is grieving.

Some say grieving is only about the death of loved ones, but I disagree with that. And that anything else is just loss.

Grieving a life of trauma, decades of abuse, a stolen childhood, the permanent end to relationships with people who harmed me, a life that basically should have killed me…is deeply painful, psychologically complicated grieving.

It isn’t ‘just’ loss.

But, those who haven’t lived a life like mine, will want to minimize it to…loss.

I know I am grieving. I know I go through all the same grieving processes. All the same emotions.

Only it’s not about the loss of one or two people……..it is grieving the loss of a lifetime of good things that never happened.

I heard a recording of my counsellor online, about grief and loss. She stated that the stronger the love for someone you lose and the stronger the relationship, the stronger the grieving.

I disagree with that.

I am grieving a mother I loved, who didn’t love me and caused me great harm.

I am grieving twice as hard……the mother I loved…..and the mother I never had. And it is far more complicated emotionally, psychologically, than grieving someone you had a good relationship with.

Of course, people will believe what they want to believe.

I am not just grieving parents. I am grieving all they caused that harmed me on top of all that.

Grieving never having had a safe, good childhood, or ‘good enough’ parents, or a life without constant fear, constant anxiety, constant PTSD symptoms, nightmares, sleep issues.

No-one understands this, unless they have endured it.

I sometimes look back on my life, and just think it is bizarre, cruel, horrific.

I wish all I did have to grieve was the

loss of parents who I did have

a good relationship with.

At least there would be good memories.

I don’t have those.

I have known for some time now……I will not magically be healed…….I will just learn to deal with it better.

But, there is a lot to grieve, to remember and those memories are not nice ones.

The memories are horrific.

So, if people want to minimize what I endured, as loss. Okay. Whatever.

I’m used to people minimizing what I have endured.

What I still endure.

I truly feel for the Sydney hostages, being held at gun point is terrifying.

I know how horrific it is to have a gun on you and believe you are going to die. It is horrific.

I truly feel for the hostages, as I’m sure they will be terrified they will not get out alive. It is widely known these extremists are prepared and want to die by suicide after/while killing others, and see it as something to be praised and glorified for their extreme beliefs.

The trauma this will be putting the hostages through, is severe.

It is terrifying to believe you are going to die and the person with the gun, is capable of causing your imminent death.

Praying for them and so thankful 3 have escaped so far, thank you God ❤

Education…..is the only way to help reduce PTSD and Abuse…

I don’t want to be someone who only deals with abuse and PTSD re-actively…

Not that I am in any way minimizing the need for that……I am in counselling to re-actively deal with much trauma and abuse I have already endured and there will always be abuse and PTSD, so this is needed.

But, the smart way to deal with the bigger picture of abuse and PTSD, is to educate.

And to educate the average person on the street, you have to educate in a way they will relate…..not psychology books, written with loads of medical and psychiatric jargon that gives me headache to have to try and decipher….

People need to be able to easily understand and relate.