Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Ever increasing respect for Pope Francis – he has balls and a sense of reality, morality and courage I really admire.


Pope attacks Vatican’s bureaucracy in Christmas speech; accuses some of having ‘spiritual Alzheimer’s’

Pope Francis has lambasted the Vatican’s bureaucracy, saying some within the Church had a lust for power, were indifferent to others and suffered from “spiritual Alzheimer’s”.

The pontiff used a Christmas speech to cardinals, bishops and priests to list a catalogue of ailments plaguing some at the very top and urging a “cure”.

He said the Vatican was riven with “existential schizophrenia”, “social exhibitionism”, “spiritual Alzheimer’s” and a lust for power, all of which have led to an “orchestra that plays out of tune”.

He warned against greed, egoism and people who think they are “immortal”.

Pope Francis, the first non-European Pope in 1,300 years, has refused many of the trappings of office and made plain his determination to bring the Church’s hierarchy closer to its 1.2 billion members.

He has set out to reform the Italian-dominated Curia, whose power struggles and leaks were widely held responsible for Benedict XVI’s decision last year to become the first Pope in six centuries to resign.

“The Curia needs to change, to improve … a Curia that does not criticise itself, that does not bring itself up to date, that does not try to improve, is a sick body,” he said in a sombre address.

Pope Francis said some in the Curia acted as if they were “immortal, immune or even indispensable”, an apparent reference to retired cardinals who remain in the Vatican and continue to exert influence.

He told his audience that too many of them suffered from “rivalry and vainglory”; superiors favoured protégés and underlings fawned on bosses to further careers; while others fed gossip or false information to the media.

Pope Francis was elected in March last year on a mandate to overhaul the government and put an end to decades of infighting within the powerful but troubled body.

Since then the pontiff has establish a series of specialist bodies to tackle corruption and poor management in the Vatican, including the naming of eight cardinals from around the world to advise him on the Curia overhaul.

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More inner work, my cognitive distortions of the ‘worse case scenario’….as a protection, coping stratgey…


Sometimes I like to joke that I do not catastrophise……. 😛

I in fact, have a highly developed awareness of particularly difficult outcomes, that could arise and it is wise to consider these….

Yeah, I could keep deluding myself of that……..the fact is I still catastrophise and I also still have this need to know the worst case scenario, because I need to know all the worst possible outcomes that may occur…..so I can be fully prepared and ready to deal with it….and then that completely overwhelms me and I can’t cope….hmmmmm…

The reasons…..because ‘worst case scenario’s’ have already been served up to me – repeatedly……plus I still have a side order of fear……..and an added portion of needing to be in control…..and take that control away from me…..and the side order of fear……becomes a freakin’ banquet of fear…!!!

Plus coping strategies and long term habits are hard to break……..especially under stress.

It’s really hard teaching an old dog new tricks…………but new tricks I am needing to keep focussing on.

The positive part is I can often figure out what I’m doing…….not always in the moment…..but I can work it out…..sometimes with a little help in counselling too – where I hear things and sometimes I pout a little, sometimes a lot…….because this stuff is hard to hear. I am thankful and blessed to have a counsellor – who lets me pout… Continue reading


You will be grieving severe childhood abuse, all your life.

It was very hard to read this in the book I am reading…..

In fact I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach, thrown me on the floor, and is kicking the shit out of me right now.

“Therapists need to help their clients accept that grieving severe childhood trauma never ends, it continues to ebb and flow for the rest of their life.
As per Ellert Nijehhuis Ph.D – http://www.enijenhuis.nl/

Every part of this journey, and everything I learn and realise, all has to be accepted and grieving occurs, no matter how profoundly painful it may be.

And the grieving, doesn’t end.

Won’t end.

I guess I knew this really, but accepting it is very painful.

I think I was holding onto that hope that it would end, and at some point in my life, I wouldn’t be grieving anymore.

I already feel a sense of hopelessness about other things in my life right now……this adds to that sense of hopelessness.

An update on this blog post….. 24/12/14

I did bring this up in counselling this week….and it was explained that yes I will always be grieving, but it will lesson over time and won’t feel as intense as it does now.

But, I also realise I d have masses to grieve, so it will take time to get through the very painful grieving stage and grieving each realisation and each layer of the trauma’s, as I process them, which I am still not finished with, because I have so much trauma.

This is why counselling is so needed, because we can read things and research, and totally freak out at what we read, and someone who is insightful enough into trauma focussed counselling, will be able to explain what each issue, means for us and how it will progress.