Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


“THE GRIEF THAT DARE NOT SPEAK IT’S MIND” Grieving abusive parents and severe abuse and trauma.

This was helpful to read.

Click to access Bloom%20The%20grief%20that%20dare%20not%20speak%20its%20name.pdf

From this link ^.

I am not just grieving the ‘losses’ from having a childhood full of severe, prolonged abuse and severe neglect……..but also the grieving of the end of those relationships and how those people, are now dead to me.

And fuck not speaking about it, just because most will fail to understand this.

I will speak up about it.


I am grieving many people, who are not physically dead…..but are dead to me.

It’s hard to explain to people, how you can be grieving people who you have come to understand will never be in your life again, and who they were meant to be…..you realise they were never that to you.

Like my mother, a father, siblings, people who I viewed and loved as family.

When someone actually dies, most people understand this as painful, grieving and can have compassion. Especially at Christmas time.

When you are grieving the end of relationships, and those people are highly abusive and caused much harm, most people don’t understand this as grieving.

Most people only understand what they have been through themselves, or can relate to as it will/could happen to them at some point.

I know I am still deeply and painful grieving relationships that have ended. People I will never see again, or have contact with, because they are so toxic I have no choice but to keep away from.

I am grieving people who are dead to me, even if they are not physically dead. And there are very painful and psychological wounds entrenched with this grieving, that makes it far more complicated than a normal grief situation.

And I feel my emotions deeply and I think deeply……so this causes further emotional pain, because I process all the deep harm caused, how they intended to cause harm, and enjoyed it all the pain they caused me.

griefSo, today being Christmas Day, I am grieving not having family to see, and spend time with. The loss of relationships, that whilst they were deeply toxic for me, were relationships I wanted and I loved these people. And that love doesn’t just disappear when you realise how abusive they were…..but the emotional pain intensifies.

They may be physically alive on the other side of the world, but those relationships are dead to me.

And the grieving is worse.

And several people all at once.

And I have to endure this alone and with further emotional neglect of this not being understood by others.


People who don’t know deep aloneness…….will never understand it.

You can spend your life trying to fill the empty void in your heart, that remains after prolonged child abuse and neglect.

But, that’s all it is….a constant chasing a way to fill that void.

That deep hole in your soul.

But it never goes away.

It’s always there, no matter how much you try to fill it with a job, a career, hobbies, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex….whatever coping strategy, chosen.

Even your own family, children, don’t fill it. Because they don’t fulfil those needs.

I accept I will never be free from this aloneness.

Acceptance…….is needed……….because it destroys you even further to keep holding onto some deluded belief of possible change.

I wrote a blog about people being ‘hopeful….stupid, but hopeful’.

We can all be hopeful, as a way of deluding ourselves that something will get better.

I know this is what I have always done. I realise I am too intelligent and too honest……to keep deluding myself any longer.

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I have accepted my loneliness, even on Christmas Day.

My sense of wanting to be alone, is increasing and has been for some time. I crave being alone and have accepted that whether alone, or around people, I will feel lonely.

It is easier to manage feeling alone, when alone….

Than it is to feel alone, when not alone.

I think I have had so much negative interaction with people, I am done with people. As in, having relationships with people.

I didn’t used to be like this. In fact, I didn’t like being alone. I loved socialising, even though I realise now, there was always a level of anxiety at being around anyone.

I think when you have endured so much harm, so much betrayal, so many people let you down and you know you are different to other people…..it does increase a sense of just giving up.

I have always felt alone, even when socialising and while doing what society says you should be doing to be enjoying life.

People will say this is ‘me’ and my issues.

Well my answer to all of what I deal with….

It isn’t what’s ‘wrong’ with me,

it’s about what ‘happened to me’.

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