Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Things for 2015…

I am no longer deluded into thinking my trauma processing journey and intense grieving journey….will be over any time soon, so to accept all the ups and downs and the challenges and feel good about the times I do well.

I have accepted – but will still need to remind myself, I have much trauma and many layers to process. And that my journey has to proceed at the pace it is, because of the severity of it all. And that faster speed of a journey, does not equal the quality of that journey.

Balance…….one I continue to struggle with. Healthy balance of what I think about, what I do…not easy at all.

Understanding that grieving takes a long time and the more trauma’s, the deeper you think and the more emotional you are, the harder and longer that grieving can take. And that it *is* okay to not be happy, not be positive, not be coping well and it is okay to experience and feel all my range of emotions.

Keep plodding along in the very difficult process, of being okay with having nice things in my life to do, like gardening, creative stuff, sewing, decorating my home and to just accept I can do these when I am up to it and it’s okay to not do them when I am not up to it.

Remember that the above ^ is not a luxury to feel bad about……..but actually a very needed part of therapy and self care and my need for time alone is absolutely okay too and self care.

Try to up the exercise capacity……that is one I struggle with…..particularly in maintaining it. But my body needs it.

Not feeling responsible for others beyond the healthy level and my capacity to cope. Reminding myself that everyone is responsible for their own actions, and yes there are too many that exploit & harm people, but I can’t save them all and it is not my job, even though my heart hurts for them.

Continue trying (and again knowing I will sometimes fail)….to remind myself more and more, that other people’s crap – is their crap and not a reflection of me. Better emotional boundaries.

I think I will stop here, as I already feel this is more than enough to focus on and will present challenges and I need to have self compassion for this.

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When the neighbours all have family for Christmas Day.

This year, I have processed some massive and painful realisations about my birth family.

I realise I never had a mother, because mothers don’t do to their child, what mine did to me. Same with siblings, father/step father.

My family are all dead to me, because I have accepted they were never family. So, I am grieving not just all their abuse, but the death of these relationships.

Several of our neighbours, all had family come for Christmas Day and they could be heard all having fun, chatting and enjoying themselves. I am always very happy and thankful other people have family…….but it really sunk in today……I have no family, as in parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews etc. I have no-one to call blood related/birth family.

I’ve done my best, to stay happy in front of my children, because it’s Christmas Day, but the pain of this overwhelming sense of grieving, has hit me really hard today.

silent tears

I’ve spent the last week so concerned about other people and how they will be feeling at the this time of year, as so many find it very hard. But, I didn’t anticipate I would have these intense emotions today.

I have no birth family, those relationships are all dead.

And I never did have family that were remotely normal or caring.

I’m crying, not as in sobbing, but silent tears are pouring down my face.

Silent heartbreak.

Silent sorrow.

Silent despair.

Silent desolation.