This last one, was created, to address how not everyone will understand our journey, because it takes empathy and wisdom, and that is not something most people have. I stopped expecting everyone to understand, and my life became easier for it. I can’t understand how it feels to be a cancer patient, because I have not endured it, so I understand this also relates to complex trauma.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 300,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 13 days for that many people to see it.
Interesting reading on what I also see within society within Christianity, as those who truly are martyrs, and often narcissists, and yet don’t realise it. And will be very upset if you point this out.
I have always noticed this, had the red flags and know narcissistic martyr behaviour when I see it. Of course, that is never received well.
I was struck by this idea yesterday, driving home from work, about the perhaps narrower line between the one and the other than we might assume. I believe that when we think “narcissist”, we are only thinking of the classics. Recent history (like the last few weeks of news) has inserted a few new narcissists into the public archive- although there was no surprise there- such as Mr. Sheen and Mr Gaddafi, Mr Berlosconi now on trial on Italy, Mr. West of music and making idiotic comment fame.
These men live in their completely self involved and self deluded world, mirrored by hand selected sycophantic nubile nymphs and entourages of beta males. Every man who is not him is a beta male. Or less. No men want to be a beta male, but having to accept that, many will go for an A in Asskissing. If you remember which one of you is the sun, you might get some radiation, I mean, radiant heat from his glow. Eventually, things burn down.
All of them see themselves as unique, amazing individuals who have been unfairly singled out, and unfairly criticized while they live in truth, and stand for something much greater than our average feeble minds can understand. They could lead a cult. Oh wait, they already do.
It’s not too hard to find lesser narcissists among us. In what used to be a rarer occurrence (blame the lamestream media and the interwebs), we now have weekly if not daily occurrences of these men driven, DRIVEN, by a higher force, to share themselves with the world. They can’t help it, they have to bring the message to the public. Be like me, I am like a god. Listen to me, god speaks through me. For those not on the god channel, with considerably less musical talent, an incapacity to get elected to office, or a face just not up there for the movie industry, our pantheon of minor narcissists finds paid work in the pulpit of enthusiastic religious crowds, the parapet of counter-politics, and the publishing world of instant self recognition- now with video.
The message is the same, the content and delivery and audience different. I am here to serve you, the masses, by gracing you with my brilliance. I have no choice, I suffer, for you. This will end by the hand of god, I will have to die in a blaze of glory. I will not go down without a fight to the death, taking any and all with me. How is that not a martyr?
On the flipside of martyrdom, we often find our long suffering, more commonly recognized martyrs attached to the world of “good”. They get out there and slog all day long, unrepenting, unrelenting, and unreimbursed. Some get some “free” media coverage, but they are not the hero, they are the fighter of the cause. Also suffering, also fighting the good fight or the right fight, they will go down with the ship. Or the unpopular vote. Their narcissist enemies will paint them into self involved, outside egos. They know how to do this very well.
Our “lesser” martyrs among us can often be found in social service groups- like church, elementary schools, hospital settings. These are the ladies, and men, who just refuse to say “no” and take on yet another thing because that is their sworn duty. To god, or to themselves. It is why they are here. I am all for having some purpose to guide your life, a few mottos and philosophies to inform our decision-making. Blind adherence becomes short sighted, the vision of how we want to see ourselves in the mirror, how we would like others to see us.
My tween has hormones…….increasingly so. And it ain’t fun!
So, after seeking some wise advice from some lovely people who have far more experience and wisdom with teenagers than I do (I am always seeking other people’s wisdom)……I had some great advice…in response to some stuff my tween has been doing…
Normal… I just tell them, “that’s unfortunate” and don’t make solving their problem my problem when it comes to these kind of things. They have to enter to learn they can entertain themselves and if they are hungry enough, they will eat what is there. It helps to take a less emotional approach and not let it affect you on a personal level.
One of my favorite approaches is to give a big hug and say “awe, that sounds like a personal problem.” They didn’t like to hear it at first, but our job is to teach them to be independent thinkers, problem solvers, and doers step by step, so I remind them of that.
And humour……..you gotta have a sense of humour when parenting teenagers!!!
I do have a sense of humour about parenting and I need to up this to survive the teenager stage.. 🙂
I always joke that I have a pact with Jesus, that He will come back before my kids reach teenagers, you know so I don’t have to deal with the teenage hormones, because of course that’s all Jesus has to worry about…. lol! 😉
But, somehow I don’t think that is gonna happen… 🙂
Some posters that made me laugh today…
This is excellent advice and looks at trauma bonding that occurs within dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
I see this occurring, and trauma bonding and co-dependency are big issues many don’t realise they have.
The “Addictive” Trauma Bond – Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal
The following gives an accurate description of the highly ‘addictive’ quality of traumatic relationships with the disordered. The following is by Dr. Patrick Carnes and from his book, “The Betrayal Bond.”
This is an excellent resource for your recovery:
by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions.
Abandonment causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.
Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror.
If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.
Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.
In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment. What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the intensity.
These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain.
These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds.
Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds.
These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to them.
Similarly, adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own trauma experiences.
To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.
A number of signs exist for the presence of a betrayal bond:
1. When everyone around the client is having negative reactions so strong the client is covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship.
2. When there is a constant pattern of non-performance and the client continues to expect them to follow through anyway.
3. When there are repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody. Continue reading
A community member on my Inner Child Healing page @ https://www.facebook.com/healingcomplextraumainnerchild suggested a really wonderful idea on how to address unmet childhood needs and to help your inner child know they are loved, cherished and wanted, now…
Buying cards for your inner child 🙂
I often look at cards, that are to daughters, sisters and lovely Birthday cards etc and feel sad that I never received this kind of love from my parents, or family.
I am going to buy myself some, from a mother, father, sister etc….and those really lovely ones that are for no specific occasion – but just to let someone you treasure – know they are treasured.
It is clear to me that narcissism can run in family’s. Of course, each will not recognise this within themselves.
There is co-dependency that comes with narcissism in relationships and they each feed off each others narcissism.
The False Self –Narcissism or Codependency
We can be a little bit hurt or a lot hurt by neglect, abuse or trauma. The depth of the wound to the psyche determines the severity of the insult to the child’s personality and a loss of the true self for the child. A false self develops along with a fragile self esteem of defining identity as feeling good when being given to or giving to others. The child is stuck in early primitive defenses and cannot go through the stage of normal separation from the parents that is necessary for growth.
Children of a difficult, more stubborn temperament defend against being supportive of others in the house. They observe how the selfish parents get his needs met by others. They learn how manipulation and using guilt gets the parent what he or she wants. They develop a false self and use aggression and intimidation to get their way.
The sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family learn to meet the parent’s needs for gratification and try to get love by accommodating the whims and wishes of the parent. The child’s normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent’s “love.” Guilt and shame keep the child locked into this developmental arrest. Their aggressive impulses become split off and are not integrated with normal development. These children grow up learning to give too much and develop a false self of becoming co-dependent in their relationships.
Living on Fantasy Island
People with narcissistic thinking and behavior strive to defend their fragile self esteem through fantasy and have blind spots in their thinking. Living in a fantasy world where all their needs are met and unrealistic expectations take the place of life. They become involved in material things, vanity, and are shallow developing excessive life long interest in things that are not real such as movies, rock stars, soap operas and video games. They fear their feelings, gaining deep friendships and intimacy and cannot develop mature love relationships.
Fantasy can become an attempt to not see what is really there in order to build up a fragile self-esteem. People with narcissistic traits process information, emotions and unresolved pain to make up for what they did not have in childhood. They often place unrealistic demands on others to make them feel better. They cannot tolerate negative emotional distress and turn it on others and blame them instead of looking within to see their own part of the problem. This is the defense of projection — what the person does not like in him or her self, they get angry at others who may have some of that same trait. Projecting one’s anger onto others instead of using it to learn and grow is always limiting.
Self image is distorted with the narcissistic point of view and the person believes that he is superior to others. An inflated self-esteem is a defense to cover up their sense of shame deep within. Grandiosity is an insidious error in thinking that prevents them from blaming themselves and becoming depressed or disintegrated. Creeping narcissism in a person is their succumbing to the gradual demands of selfishness and entitlement by giving in to “I am special” beliefs.
I have seen this sense of superiority in how they choose to remain in narc relationships and this makes them ‘better’ than others. They feel it makes them superior and act like martyrs often in this.
The ones who claim to be Christians, will use this unhealthy Christian belief that staying in abusive relationships is godly, is needed. And act superior within that view too. ‘Look how amazing I am and what a wonderful godly person I am to remain in this abuse….for God.’
Such poor mental health.
Co-dependency within narcissistic relationships is a very interesting dynamic.
Great advice from someone who has endured narcissistic parents, and validates and confirms how no contact can often be what is necessary and it takes great courage and strength to make this very difficult choice.
From this ^ link.
It was an epiphany: I thought, it’s not just me – it really is my mother. She exhausted me, drained me. I got nothing from her because she gave nothing. I was depressed, ill, ground down. I had to get out.”
She waited till her parents next telephoned and told them there would be no more family meals, no more phone calls or Christmas get-togethers – no further communication, in fact. That was four years ago.
Dr Pat Frankish, a consultant clinical psychologist, says she has nothing but admiration for people like Danu. “Someone in her situation has had her identity, her vitality and her energy sapped – and if she stays in touch with the person who is taking all that from her, she’ll be unable to maintain a sense of herself. It’s a question of whether you succumb or survive – and she has chosen survival.”
Since the break, she has felt “transformed … I can’t overstate the difference it has made. My depression has lifted, I’ve lost weight, I carry myself more confidently and I’ve made changes that have put my life on a much better track. I’m so much happier – I’m not always dreading the next phone call or visit. Most importantly, I know I’m not that fatally flawed, bad person my parents used to make me think I was.
“They made out that I was the person with the problem; but that wasn’t true. They are the people with the problems – I’m actually fine. And without them, I’m a whole lot happier.” Continue reading
It is true that people can find fault in others, whilst being completely in denial of their own.
It takes maturity and a willing heart, to not just focus on everyone else’s issues, but to look within and see our own, as I have over the last 12 months, in particular.
I have noticed, that some people who talk about narcissism, only refer to other people…..not looking within….and yet that is exactly what a narcissist does.
Dysfunction breeds dysfunction………and narcs will point fingers at others…. parents…. spouses…. family… friends etc….without ever stopping to consider whether they themselves do in fact have narc traits too.
And watch them blow if you ask them to consider if their own views are in fact narcissistic! The narcissistic rage/injury comes right out!
It takes a great deal of courage and lack of ego, to look within, and the humility and vulnerability to do this.
I have blogged about my own issues, how I have changed, the issues I clung onto and now see where this was my own issues, and wanted to change, with a willing heart to do this. I have blogged about how I have felt really hurt by something that someone has said about me, that in fact turned out to be correct. And I have owned this, blogged about this, been honest about this and grown from this. I don’t only focus on the issues of others.
But, a narcissistic, egotistic heart won’t look within. Often driven by fear and shame, as I see so clearly occurring everywhere.
You cannot reason with dysfunction that is hell bent on clinging onto their dysfunction. And of course, everyone else is wrong, stupid, narcissistic for having a completely different view and how dare you voice that!!
You can only give an alternative view, and hope someone reads it and will think more deeply about it.
I realise what I share isn’t for everyone….this deeper aspect of dealing with the consequences of abuse, child abuse, complex trauma, complex PTSD…..is not where everyone is at and that’s okay.
I am content and okay with helping those who are helped in anyway, by what I share.
A comment to my page..
“Thank you Lilly, for being there throughout 2014. The positive and encouragement, the knowledge and wisdom you show throughout your FB page. May your 2015 be kind to you x “
It is very sweet of this community member, to write this…showing how she wants to acknowledge all I have shared and written throughout 2014, and how it has helped her.
I have changed and grown a lot in 2014, and this is my willingness to grow, be led by Jesus, as He knows this is my heart.
Jesus knows my ministry is to reach anyone, not just Christians, because everyone needs help.