Just because a New Year starts, doesn’t mean the process of grieving and life’s issues, stop. They continue.
Which is why I have never made a big deal of New Year, it means little to me. I know your troubles from one year – don’t just magically disappear, because the 1st of whenever comes round.
When you have real, deep, intense pain within…….it doesn’t just go away, because a New Year starts…..you can’t wish it away….or pretend it isn’t there. I’m too real and too honest for that delusional rubbish.
I’m not into all the BS ‘positive thinking’ band aid, suppress your emotions, views…..because I am living proof of how that doesn’t work.
It’s when I’m on my own, when the deeply painful emotions, the gut wrenching grieving, is felt the most. It swells up inside you quickly and I can go from okay, to a crying mess in a very short space of time.
It is very cruel to have endured so many abusive people for so many years. Deal with the severe effects of each of their individual abuses, plus the collective abuse they all caused and not be able to go back and re-write it all.
And know you learned all about it too late for it to make a real difference in your life, because decisions were made, choices were made and then other people’s needs become the priority. That’s what happens when you become a family, have children, you prioritise other people’s needs, which is the right thing to do.
But, it leaves you with this awareness, that no matter what you know……it’s too late for yourself.
So, I just keep going, keep doing one thing around people, another when I’m on my own. Alone.
It’s like living this split life….a wife/mother/writer/middle aged woman………and then alone – all the many other things I am.
I guess it’s progress, rather than feeling the intense pain 24/7.
I guess I would be told, it’s progress and any progress is positive.
And I know that’s makes other people, feel better.
I think when you can contain your real emotions, away from other people, and just feel them by yourself…………that’s what people consider to be progress……..because it’s better for everyone else.
And I see…. that it is.