Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have no idea what love within a healthy relationship, feels like.

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toxic parents

I have no idea what it is like to have this type of love ^^. Real and genuine love from parents. Or anyone.

I didn’t have that in my childhood, I had the opposite.

I accept, as a result, I absolutely do know harm and abuse and all the red flags for that and all the deeply painful consequences…..but I do not know what it feels like to be loved in a genuine, others centred, cherished way.

I accept I never will. I have always sought out people who will harm me, with their selfishness, their ego’s, their narcissism etc.

I didn’t know until recently, this is what was happening or why, and this still does not in any way take the responsibility of those who harmed me, away from them. They made choices to harm me, regardless of what I was doing. It also doesn’t minimize the effects of all their abuse and it is too late to go back and do my life differently.

Hindsight, is painful, cruel, when you have lived a life, like mine.

I accept healthy relationships are not ‘my thing’…..because I’ve never had any.

And the odd person in my life, who was/is healthy, I have projected my own fears and needs onto, and I screw that up. I sat in tears yesterday because I have sent two messages to my doctor/counsellor and she hasn’t responded. Which the mature part of me knows is absolutely okay, but the needy child in me, still feels rejected, ignored, uncared for….no matter what I say to myself. And honesty about how I feel……is needed and who I am.

I have accepted, that I don’t ‘do’ healthy relationships with adults and this is due to my childhood, my parents, my life. The damage is core level, woven into the fibre of my entire being.

And I have come to realise, that accepting this, is needed. And is one reason I prefer to be alone.

I don’t trust myself to find healthy people, and I don’t trust myself while I am still processing and grieving so intensely….to not projects my needs onto others, which is isn’t fair, or right to them.

Acceptance, takes courage and honesty.

The truth, is often painful…….and it takes the vulnerability for even more courage and honesty, to confront it, accept it, and deal with it.

I am an introverted, solitary soul.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “I have no idea what love within a healthy relationship, feels like.

  1. I am also a truly introverted and solitary soul. It is where I find my nourishment. However, I have been able to build trusting and loving relationships with my husband and therapist over the years. It definitely took me 15 years to finally feel safe with my husband and he saw me in my period where I needed so much care from him. You can learn to build healthy relationships and not be a prisoner to your past. Thinking of you.

  2. I’m learning to build a healthy relationship with myself. And someday I hope to move away from self imposed isolation. I feel safer all by myself. I’ll do my best to be a good friend to myself. I’m working on self acceptance, self love and self care in 2015. I wish you well, know that you are not alone. AA