I have no idea what it is like to have this type of love ^^. Real and genuine love from parents. Or anyone.
I didn’t have that in my childhood, I had the opposite.
I accept, as a result, I absolutely do know harm and abuse and all the red flags for that and all the deeply painful consequences…..but I do not know what it feels like to be loved in a genuine, others centred, cherished way.
I accept I never will. I have always sought out people who will harm me, with their selfishness, their ego’s, their narcissism etc.
I didn’t know until recently, this is what was happening or why, and this still does not in any way take the responsibility of those who harmed me, away from them. They made choices to harm me, regardless of what I was doing. It also doesn’t minimize the effects of all their abuse and it is too late to go back and do my life differently.
Hindsight, is painful, cruel, when you have lived a life, like mine.
I accept healthy relationships are not ‘my thing’…..because I’ve never had any.
And the odd person in my life, who was/is healthy, I have projected my own fears and needs onto, and I screw that up. I sat in tears yesterday because I have sent two messages to my doctor/counsellor and she hasn’t responded. Which the mature part of me knows is absolutely okay, but the needy child in me, still feels rejected, ignored, uncared for….no matter what I say to myself. And honesty about how I feel……is needed and who I am.
I have accepted, that I don’t ‘do’ healthy relationships with adults and this is due to my childhood, my parents, my life. The damage is core level, woven into the fibre of my entire being.
And I have come to realise, that accepting this, is needed. And is one reason I prefer to be alone.
I don’t trust myself to find healthy people, and I don’t trust myself while I am still processing and grieving so intensely….to not projects my needs onto others, which is isn’t fair, or right to them.
Acceptance, takes courage and honesty.
The truth, is often painful…….and it takes the vulnerability for even more courage and honesty, to confront it, accept it, and deal with it.
I am an introverted, solitary soul.