Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


A post to my page about sleeping with married men in my 20’s.

I believe in being honest about what I have done in my life that is not okay. And I model that. Because we don’t heal, when we don’t address our own issues, the darkness within us.

I just read a post on another page, asking ‘what kind of person sleeps with a married man/woman?’..

The responses were mostly stating…..whore, skank, bitch, home wrecker, scum, low life….etc.

This was my response……..because I am an honest person….

“Wow, there are a lot of very judgmental people here. I have slept with married men in my 20’s and I am honest about that and no I am not proud of it at all. If I could go back I would not do it.
I suffered considerable sexual abuse from birth onwards, had no self worth and emotionally self harmed as a young adult – by being with men who I knew would hurt me. There are deep psychological reasons involved.
But, if many of you want to call me a whore, skank, slut, bitch, tramp, home wrecker etc, then do what you need to do. But make sure you are perfect before you do.”

The effects of abuse, particularly child sexual abuse, can lead to behaviours that are definitely not okay, not moral and not healthy……but my life has taught me that I have done things I am not proud of and I didn’t intend hurting anyone.

I regret it fully and I have remorse and I do not intend ever repeating it.

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That nagging little voice that tells me not to get too comfortable in my isolation…


I have become very adjusted and comfortable in my current isolation and withdrawal. It feels safe. My home feels safe. Or as safe as I have ever known.

This is new to me and I like it. So I equate…..

Isolation + No Interaction In Person With Others = Safety.

And it’s easy to see why…….when you are someone hurt by as many people as I have been.

I am very comfortable.

But, I have that nagging little voice that tells me every so often, not to stay too comfortable in my current place of safety.

And when I say ‘voice’ – I don’t mean I hear voices. I mean thoughts that come into my mind, that I am aware are things I need to think about, that I don’t want to think about. And I know they are Jesus.

Having to face this makes me feel like this….

fed up

That exhausted, petulant, stubborn part of me, does not want to listen.

I want to pout and demand that I have had enough of people and their issues….I am done……I am over it…..I WANT TO BE ALONE…..!!!!

I like alone!!!

But, really I am just still fearful of getting hurt.


Courage…….and what it really means to have it…

Some areas that require courage…….that are not popular to hear…..which of course means……..they are needed to be heard the most….


To face the real truth about self……is courage.

To accept we can all be weak……is courage.

To accept the darkness within (everyone has)……is courage.

To accept when wrong, willingly……is courage.

To reflect on where we need to grow……is courage.

To accept we can & will be wrong…..is courage.

To live life honestly, with integrity & not wear a mask…..is courage

To be humble……is courage.

To refuse to have an ego…..is courage.

Yet, society tells the masses differently…..all the time.

A prime example of the LNP misogynists. What a fucking douche.

LNP twat

The questions should be….

Why do you dislike women so much to victim blame?

Why do you want to take away the responsibility of self control from the rapist….and give the blame for it, to the victim?

Why can’t these men control themselves when they are around drunk women?

Why do they think it gives them the right to rape?

Why do so many men want to rape?

What do men and society need teaching so that men rape less?


The death of relationships and estrangement. And why it is worse, than someone dying.

This was good reading and helpful to have emotions, grieving and how this continues on, validated. I don’t have my emotions validated much and I always have to research myself and find info that helps me understand it is normal and okay to feel the way I do.

Needing to deal with my past and all the abuse and just how toxic my family members are, led to mutual estrangement because my family hate anything being discussed and exposed, so the estrangement is not actually in my control, it is their choice due to their inability to deal with truth and reality.

Where this article talks about a mother’s pain being estranged from her adult child…….this will also apply to the adult child who has been estranged from toxic family.


“You’re Dead To Me,” Why Estrangement Hurts So Much

During the early stages of researching family estrangement I received a phone call from a woman named Cathy*. She didn’t want to be a part of my research. She needed to tell me something. I didn’t realise how important or memorable it would be until I interviewed more and more people and the same theme emerged. She told me that she was a mother of two children – both were lost to her. One had died from cancer in his teens and the other had estranged in her early 20s. I will never forget her words: “The pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable– it hurts so, so much more”.

(this will equally apply to being in my situation, where it is the adult child who has lost parents, due to estrangement)

When a person is estranged by a family member, they generally experience a range of immediate grief, loss and trauma responses. Bodily responses such as shaking, crying and feeling faint are common, alongside emotional responses such as disbelief, denial and anger. People often ruminate over the estrangement event or the events that led up to the estrangement. Over time, most acute emotions and bodily responses seem to decrease in intensity, and generalised feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment might emerge.

Even when the estrangement has continued for years or decades, many people suggest the pain persists or re-occurs at particular times. Triggers such as birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day and funerals are difficult. So are sightings of the estranged person, or hearing about them from others. Triggers can sometimes cause a person to re-live and re-experience the initial grief, loss and trauma responses, while other times they can be managed.

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Understanding my inner journey, and my inner child’s emotions.


I have done a lot of work, to understand who I am, the many differing layers of who I am. I know I have all different aspects to my personality, archetypes as Jung would say. We all do.

Due to my abusive childhood and so much trauma and emotional neglect, I know I have a severely wounded inner child, I am learning to love and re-parent.

I allow my inner child her emotions, I accept them and I don’t dismiss them anymore. It takes courage, honesty and humility to accept this and to share this.

I have done a lot of work on not being concerned about the opinions of those who do not matter and I am consistently able to not be affected and to know other people’s opinions are just that, their opinions and I can choose to consider, reflect, accept, or ignore.

But, my wounded inner child, is different, her needs and her emotions, are needing to be felt, and not denied and not ignored.

If people who matter to me, ignore me, it wounds me. Because this is what happened throughout my childhood. And those wounds don’t heal just through intellectual understanding alone.

It takes time and work, to heal core level wounds, deeply burned into your soul.

Jung says wisdom only begins with a deep understanding of self, and I see that is not common amongst people.


So, I will be thankful I do have the courage, willingness and inner strength to endure this inner journey.

And accept that right now, my inner child’s lip is quivering and she feels very hurt.

And that’s okay, I love her anyway.

How to Take a Stand While Turning the Other Cheek

“Being willing speak up for your beliefs

is a part of what it means to love”

I agree with this article, there are far too many church people, ignoring wrongs, and excusing that as ‘mercy’, ‘grace’.

All that is – is lack of courage and spiritual integrity.

From this article  Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/how-take-stand-while-turning-other-cheek#JsyUqAIRG5vzFLT0.99

The Mistake of Dismissing the Public Value of Ideas

We have too easily conflated the defense of ideas with the polarized culture of cable news debates and social media screeds. Those who debate ideas seem to always be judgmental, bitter and cranky, but we forget how central the advancement of ideas has been to the history of the Church. Indeed, much of Jesus’ ministry was about overturning false ideas that had become conventional wisdom.

This is perhaps most clear in the Beatitudes, where Jesus first confronts false or incomplete ideas (“You have heard…”), and moves to directly contest that idea with a new one. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

Yes, becoming a disciple of Jesus is about much more than acquiescence to a list of doctrinal truths, but discipleship includes the transforming of our minds.

Just think of all of the great art, literature and activism that would not exist without Christians committed to the defense and advocacy of Christian truths. There would be no Wilberforce or King to fight slavery. No C.S. Lewis or G.K. Chesterton to inspire and educate us about orthodoxy or the foundations of our faith. As Christians, we must take the life of the mind—our mind and that of others—seriously.

God did not create us to be abused, nor does He want that, or want it to continue…

god not abuse

If you are being abused……God does not expect us to continue allowing this.

No matter who it doing the abusing.

Too many in Christianity are encouraging and justifying abuse and abusive relationships continuing.

We are not expected to be martyrs to abuse…….for God.