There is a lot of truth in this comment I had from a friend….about not needing to reveal all, to all.

Due to some very angry rants today/yesterday, the self hate stuff came to the surface. I guess it will do when you receive so many horrible comments and anger dumped on you. And I do know it’s their own hurt causing this and is actually nothing to do with me, and I’m not angry with them ~ which is why I haven’t responded back……but it still really hurt.

This was a response from a lovely friend ~ and I can see is very wise and insightful and I think she is spot on ❤

“I think it is more ‘ok’ to bawl your eyes out (((Hugs)))

Very wise to discuss with your counsellor if you feel as though you are self-sabotaging or ‘brutalising’ yourself with your ‘honesty’, I think it may be a symptom of childhood abuse too.

Sometimes we believe in order to heal that we have to bare all, confess all, in order to have a ‘clean slate’ to begin again. I don’t believe this is necessary to heal, it’s only necessary to be honest with ourselves & God about our possible character defects and poor behaviours.

We can open ourselves up to attack if we reveal some of ourselves to un-trustworthy people. It’s not being dishonest to NOT tell the whole population all our inner most feelings and supposed ‘sins’. You are not disgusting and never will be.

Would you think of or speak to a dear friend like that? I didn’t think so….please don’t speak to my dear friend Lilly like that or I’ll have to release ‘ Ninja XXXX’ on you!!”

I hate myself.

Is my need to be so outwardly honest….more emotional self harming?

I am starting to wonder, if my capacity to be very honest about the good, bad and ugly about myself…….is also part of my emotional self harming issues…

It is good to be honest…….but it also invites people’s anger and hurt they have endured, to be vented onto me.

I was doing okay…until I bawled my eyes out about 20 minutes ago. And now I feel like I am a disgusting person and I’m trying to have positive self talk and remind myself I am not who I was over 15 years ago and other people’s opinions of me are simply that….opinions. And that there were far more people who appreciated my honesty and admitting how wrong my actions were and that I don’t condone them, or excuse them and I do feel remorse. And I see how this is modelling how to be honest about self and how this is needed for healing.

But, I am aware these painful emotions that engulf me are also emotional triggers from past stuff too.…as I have spent a lot of time in the past hearing I am a whore, slut, tramp and I actually believed that about myself for a long time. More self harming. More continuing the harm created in my childhood, to be continued on….as many complex trauma survivors endure.

So, I fully see that by divulging this stuff about my past…..I did create this situation myself….to get called names even more and have people who have been hurt – vent their anger at me….not caring how this will affect me and only thinking of themselves and also not realising ‘their’ situation and what they endured, is not the same for every situation.

There are people who intentionally set out to hurt others and enjoy it and never have remorse. I am not that person and I know that. But, others don’t know me, so will assume what they want to assume, because they have been hurt.

And I need to fully consider why I seem to have a habit of inviting people to vent their own hurt, onto me.

I do believe in being honest….and sharing that because it helps others……..but at what expense to myself?

I have taken a spectacular dive off the pedestal some people have put me on.

In telling others on my community page, I slept with married men in my 20’s, I have taken a huge dive off the pedestal some had put me on.

And received emails with hatred and anger.

But, that’s okay……I know people hurt others when they are hurt and I have already said to people not to put me on a pedestal, because I can guarantee I will fall off it.

Being an honest person……interestingly……is much harder than being someone who only presents the nice stuff they are.

I don’t want to be a person who points the finger at others, says how terrible their sins are, and yet conveniently ignores my own.

This level of honesty polarises people. Either they appreciate the honesty, or they get very angry about what you are admitting to because of their own hurt and use that to vent their own stuff.

I know I never intended to hurt anyone, I was hurting myself. And I know the psychology behind this. But fully admit what I have done in the past, in sleeping with married men, is absolutely wrong, 100% not morally okay, I have had a lot of shame, much remorse and have changed considerably from that person over 15 years ago.

I am secure in my understanding of who I am, how my intentions were never to deliberately harm others, I know why I did it, I am still dealing with the consequences of my self harming behaviours.

I don’t need the validation of who I am from others. I share my journey to help others who may be enduring the same journey. being honest helps those who need to hear it.

I can’t control the opinions and views of others, people will always believe what they want to believe. And I don’t have to accept their opinion.

But honesty is important to me……far more so than my image.