Deep emotions of sorrow for those who severely abused me……confuse me.

Sometimes, when I think about the things abusive people do, what they did to me, I feel real sorrow for them. I wouldn’t say it is compassion, because I am not reaching out to them…but I feel really sad for them and want to cry. Sometimes, I do cry.

This still confuses me…..because I am aware I had trauma bonds with some of them, and it also makes me concerned this is more self harming stuff.

I think all abuse is about really messed up mental health. And it is their willingness to want to do it…..but who would hurt, abuse, rape a child, teenager etc….in their ‘right mind’..? No-one.

I really do at times, feel really sorry for them and I do wish their lives were different for themselves. And this includes people who haven’t hurt me, but hurt others.

I don’t understand or relate in any way to finding someone getting hurt as good…….well except for myself. It distresses me to see other people getting hurt, or thinking about people getting hurt.

It feels ‘wrong’ somehow, to have these emotions of sorrow for people who have hurt me and others so badly. I think it was so long for me to get my head around the fact that they all intentionally hurt me and how brutally and horrendously painful that is…..that to feel sorrow for them, is a huge conflict within me.

In counselling this week I was talking about the psychopath that caused considerable harm to me (which I also realise is huge progress for me to even attempt to talk about that abuse), and the way he changed when he did the worst stuff. I could tell by his face and his eyes and I knew. My doctor was explaining people who abuse can dissociate when they are doing the worst stuff, and it made my PTSD brain jump straight to this very clear change I could see occurring in this psychopath. And the ‘rituals’ he had during the worst abuse and afterwards, which always confused me, but now I am starting to understand more.

If you tell someone enough times they are bad & deserve to be hurt….they will believe it.

A post to my page…

If you tell someone enough times they are bad, or they deserve to be hurt, they will end up believing it. Even if they act like they don’t, deep inside they have that shame and hurt.

This happened to me, and throughout the first 20 years of my life, I received continual messages, verbally and through actions and considerable emotional neglect….. that I needed and deserved to be hurt. This continued on into my adult life.

And this is why I have emotional self harming behaviours and why I have gravitated towards people who will hurt me. This being a subconscious action, not something I consciously sat and thought about.

To understand and acknowledge this, was very confronting, painful and emotional, and still is, although I am dealing with it better over time.

But, it was also a vital part of my healing journey.

I do encourage survivors seek trauma focussed counselling, to address these deeper issues, as we need support when dealing with them. I need counselling and fully admit I could not handle this, without my counselling support.

Lilly ❤

https://www.facebook.com/HealingFromComplexTraumaAndPTSDAndCPTSD/posts/791664420920314?notif_t=like

No, I don’t want ‘karma’, or bad things to occur to my abusers….and why.

I do understand victims of abuse, can have thoughts of vengeance and wanting their abusers to feel the pain they inflicted on others and love to think they will ‘get their karma’. I know this is in the diagnostic criterion for PTSD and Complex PTSD to have thoughts of vengeance etc…..but I personally don’t have this.

I have anger, hurt, betrayal, grieving and all the needed and healthy emotions regarding abuse and grieving. But, I don’t have thoughts of vengeance, or hatred, or bitterness etc. And I have this validated as being far more healthy.

My mind, is not wired in such a way that thinking of harm being caused to anyone, is good/okay/needed or to gain pleasure fro that. And I realise, I am in the minority with this when it comes to hurt people.

I am also not one of those limp ‘we must never feel angry and just feel love and compassion and grace and mercy, but not be angry, and we must get over it quickly, and forgive it all quickly, or we are in the wrong, we are the bad people. This view, is BS, not mature and actually abusive too.

The healthy view, is in the middle of this continuum.

No negative emotions……………….. **** healthy emotions **** …………….Intense hatred, vengeance.

Suppressing anger, betrayal, hurt etc, ……is not healthy and does not lead to healing.