Sometimes, when I think about the things abusive people do, what they did to me, I feel real sorrow for them. I wouldn’t say it is compassion, because I am not reaching out to them…but I feel really sad for them and want to cry. Sometimes, I do cry.
This still confuses me…..because I am aware I had trauma bonds with some of them, and it also makes me concerned this is more self harming stuff.
I think all abuse is about really messed up mental health. And it is their willingness to want to do it…..but who would hurt, abuse, rape a child, teenager etc….in their ‘right mind’..? No-one.
I really do at times, feel really sorry for them and I do wish their lives were different for themselves. And this includes people who haven’t hurt me, but hurt others.
I don’t understand or relate in any way to finding someone getting hurt as good…….well except for myself. It distresses me to see other people getting hurt, or thinking about people getting hurt.
It feels ‘wrong’ somehow, to have these emotions of sorrow for people who have hurt me and others so badly. I think it was so long for me to get my head around the fact that they all intentionally hurt me and how brutally and horrendously painful that is…..that to feel sorrow for them, is a huge conflict within me.
In counselling this week I was talking about the psychopath that caused considerable harm to me (which I also realise is huge progress for me to even attempt to talk about that abuse), and the way he changed when he did the worst stuff. I could tell by his face and his eyes and I knew. My doctor was explaining people who abuse can dissociate when they are doing the worst stuff, and it made my PTSD brain jump straight to this very clear change I could see occurring in this psychopath. And the ‘rituals’ he had during the worst abuse and afterwards, which always confused me, but now I am starting to understand more.
It makes me want to cry that anyone can have this much pain/darkness within them, to want to do what they do. I know his own father was probably the same as his son, because he told me how his father used to hit his mother. But she ‘deserved’ it. And how he would get beaten too, as he also deserved it, but he had so much respect for his father and idolised him. I can see how this no doubt led to him becoming a psychopath who also beat people, raped and tortured people, had massive needs to control people and many other dark, dark needs within.
Just thinking about the abuse he endured as a child and his mother endured, distresses me and then I feel confused for feeling sorry for him.
How can there be a part of me still terrified of him and having nightmares still, and feel sorry for him too? Is this just part of the trauma bonding stuff, because I really did believe I loved him until the severe abuse started and was then terrified of him.
I always know when I have this kind of conflict going on within me, I am processing stuff and all will become revealed in time.