Grieving what you always wanted….and will never have.

To grieve what you always wanted……….and will never have……..is painful. To work out what it is you desperately needed, have been grieving your whole life about never having…. And to then face a future knowing you will never have it…….feels incredibly cruel.

I don’t understand why some people have love in their lives…….and others don’t.

It’s a basic human need.

And I’ve never felt it from someone.

And I never will.

And I don’t expect anyone to understand how this feels and how this needs to be grieved and how painful it is. The death of everything you ever wanted. As well as all the other grieving.

It’s one of those ‘unless you have personally experienced the depth of suffering this causes, then you won’t know.’

Like much of my life…….most don’t understand how it feels.

Poem ~ Funereal Sea

Tense

Motionless

Hopeless

Blankly staring

Ahead

Sombre sea

Mournful horizon

Gloomy future

Reality

.

Dreams

Yearned needs

Hopes

Love

Safety

Trust

Drowning

.

Despair

Agony

I watch them drown

Disappear

Beyond my grasp

Sinking down

Into murky darkness

Until I see them

No more

.

Funereal sea

Death

All I ever wanted.

.

Gone.

Some thoughts about the positivity psychology crowd…and why I know there is more….

Positive thinking, is all some people can cope with, and for them that is okay.

Delving into the depths of the darker sides of humanity, how it affects us, and delving deep within own soul, is not within everyone’s capacity/willingness. And some don’t have the support, or inner strength to take that journey.

And that is okay……but I do wish they would not promote that as being what everyone should be doing.

I believe if far more people considered more about who they really are inside, had the willingness to acknowledge the good, bad and ugly within….with real honesty….and change what needs to be changed….and more promoted ‘that’ as what is needed and good, the world would be a better place.

I am not a fan of the ‘positivity is the be-all-and-end-all of being happy’ crowd……although I see why they are so popular for the more shallow thinking, general population.

But ‘band aid’ views, and shallow thinking are not my preferred choice. I choose the much deeper journey and is why I find those like Carl Jung ~ fascinating and that greater depth of insight is of far more interest to me. But, I see to consider this much deeper journey process, is painful and really confronting, requiring a greater depth of courage, than to just ‘focus on the positive’.

I also know everyone is different and for those that find positive thinking is their capacity and is how they cope….I do accept that. But, there is more……far more……for others.

And I realise that like with the stages of faith……the stages of human capacity in many different areas, is only ever understood at the person’s own capacity level. And anything beyond that, is simply not comprehended, so nearly always considered to be wrong.

Which is indeed where I have been at, many times……until I learned and understood more.

Lilly ❤

I understand this Carl Jung quote.

The lack of empathy in some people….is very triggering.

I can discuss things from my past ~ horrific things, with my husband, and there is no emotional reaction at all. Not even a flicker – and I know how to read people. He has a diminished capacity for empathy.

He also has diminished remorse capacity for things he has done himself that are not okay and no remorse even if he knows his choices have hurt people. He has impulse control issues, with certain behaviours and a lack of conscience & morality about certain issues too. He is completely absorbed only in his own needs. And has no awareness of the needs of others. He can lie easily and be manipulative, in a covert and hostile way.

He finds other people getting hurt, funny and enjoyable. I have seen him laugh at children when they are hurt. He will wind me up until I am angry, and then he is happy. He will annoy and provoke his son, when in a bad mood. He projects his own bad moods, onto others, with no remorse. His only humour is sarcasm and about putting others down.

He refuses to accept when he is wrong. For 15 years, I have heard him repeat the same immediate saying whenever you point out something that he has done wrong “it’s not my fault”. His capacity to accept when wrong, is virtually non existent. I have drag it out of him, sometimes days later and then it is not any level of truly accepting he is wrong and there is never any genuine remorse, or apology.

He has little social skills capacity, is quite anti-social, and communicates often through defensive, negative actions, hostility, manipulation. His only emotions he can express, are for himself. I can have a whole conversation with him, about horrible things I have endured, and there is no emotional response, but if I then point out how hurtful that is for me…he will react with negative emotions be defensive etc, whilst completely dismissing the rest of the conversation as irrelevant.

We have had the same conversation so many times about this, that I have given up. It changes nothing.

I am developing a capacity to compartmentalise….

I am developing this ability to have two separate compartmentalised views about my abusers.

(Or “the people who abused me” as my doctor/counsellor would probably prefer I referred to them as… I have her words ringing in my head, nagging at me ~ every time I don’t say things the way she does…. and whilst I pout at times………I know this is a good thing.)

The first compartment…..being my emotions, and all the fear, hurt, betrayal, anger, grieving etc.

And the second compartment……viewing them as very broken people, who do what they do entirely due to their own severe issues and mental health. And feel sadness and sorrow for them.

Sometimes these cross over and then confusion occurs. Sometimes I feel like I am dishonouring myself to feel sorry for them. And that not hating them should be enough. Sometimes, I get angry with myself and think ‘why the fuck are you feeling sorry for people who knowingly caused such evil to you, you crazy girl!!!”.

But, it’s easier when I am able to view separate these. And when I do, is when I feel these emotions of sorrow for them.

I am still digesting this concept and capacity that seems to be growing.

I guess it’s the same as how I can separate abusive church people…from God/Jesus. People say to me ‘how can you go through all that church abuse and still believe in a loving God?” Easy answer……..because I can separate sinful sheeple, who believe what they want to believe for their own earthly needs and have been lied to and duped (and I feel sorry for them)……from a perfect God and perfect Jesus.

I think the ability to separate things, is a healthy way of viewing life. Although I have yet to have that confirmed in counselling…..so I know I will find out, that’s for sure!

Why most people gravitate towards beliefs that say darkness is okay….

It is always easier for most people to gravitate towards beliefs that do not encourage people to look within, at the darkness within, and accept it as wrong, and deal with it.

Everyone has darkness within them. They may not want to believe that, but it’s true. Obviously there are different levels of this darkness, some having far more than others.

But, it is much easier for many, to not illuminate this, not want to face this, not want to feel shame and have to make the effort to put it right.

Easier to go with beliefs that enable this darkness to be seen as okay. Karma is a classic and obvious example. To believe that people will get what they deserve if they have hurt you…..and to feel good about that, is darkness.

And that is exactly why karma is popular. Plus people think if they do good, they will receive good back, which is also a very immature beliefs, but suits many people’s desires. My view, is you shouldn’t be doing good, to get something back. You should be doing good, because it is the right thing to do as a human being, regardless of what you get back. But, that doesn’t fit with many people’s needs. People only want to know what’s in it for themselves.

People’s levels of emotional development, their capacity to reflect, their self insight……..and how little they actually have…..is interesting and the reasons why, are becoming clearer.

People mostly do not want to be challenged about their beliefs and whether they are wise, or about a beautiful heart/soul. To even suggest they may be wrong and have heart/soul issues, takes them too close to shame.

Shame, is such a huge issue. Brene Brown is correct when she says society is built on foundations of shame.

Shame is probably the worst emotion/fear to confront.

I hate this poster.

I hate this poster.

Anyone who actually wants bad things to happen to people who have hurt them, is no better than the person who hurt them. It is maturity to rise above that. I have never wanted ‘karma’ to happen to my abusers.

In fact, if I could have my way, I would want them all to understand what they have done, what is wrong with them, and get better, become better people. And I want them all to have eternal life with Jesus. I don’t hold this enjoyment of thinking of them going to hell either. And I realise I am in the minority of people who have been severely abused and yet think this way.

And I hate that God is involved in this poster. God is not about this. People who think God is about this, don’t know God, don’t know Jesus.

It is SO sad that over a million people have liked this poster and this kind of attitude is perpetuated and sold as wise.

It is not remotely about having a good heart, maturity, or wisdom.

I wish people would shut up and stop perpetuating this karma crap and shut up and stop perpetuating wrong attitudes about who God is.

I am starting to understand why other religions are so popular, as they allow darkness to be consider as good and okay and they perpetuate and enable it. I see that very clearly. It is always easier for many, to go with views that allow their dark side, their dark needs, to be enabled.