Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No area of my life, has been unaffected by abuse and evil.


My entre life, has been dictated by abuse, by evil.

Not a tiny area of my life, has been unaffected.

The poison of those in my earlier life, continues to poison, every day.

They made sure I would never have love, never have peace and their darkness would remain in my life.

And they succeeded.


“The victims tempt the predators, so it’s the evil victims fault…” Is this belief more common than I realise?

I just read that Brian Houston – Hillsong Church, allegedly stated to a victim of his paedophile father…that he ‘tempted his father’.

And whilst Houston denied this, it is fact that he also failed to report the abuse to the police, covered it up and ‘paid off’ the victim. And he allowed his father to continue being part of the congregation, wandering freely around putting more children at risk.

So do I believe he didn’t say this to the victim…….no. I believe the victim.


And this doesn’t surprise me at all. And to blame anyone for the abuse inflicted on them…is evil.

I’ve read this is a common excuse used within the Catholic church, to excuse the actions of the paedophile priests and why the victims are treated as the enemy. This is why the former head of the Australian Catholic church Cardinal Pell…intentionally wanted the church lawyers to treat the victims badly. And this was exposed in the Royal Commission.

And I don’t believe for a second this is exclusive to the Catholic church.

I know it a church wide issue. As we can see in Hillsong, a massive mega church.

I know even in less severe cases of abuse…..the victims are often seen as the enemy. I’ve endured this myself. I’ve been told I’m demonic, a child of the devil….for exposing the truth. This said in front of witnesses.

The truth……..not something many church people actually want to hear.

I am getting concerned now……..that this is where my counselling is heading……..to believe that in some way I tempted my abusers……and so it is my fault. Continue reading

This Sia video is very triggering for me, although I realise what it is about.

I love Sia and I love her music. And I am glad I know her background, before watching this video.

But, the video for me, is very triggering, and I’m sure it will be for people like myself.

Adding to this……..I am disappointed in Sia, as she clearly knew there would be a negative reaction to this……but didn’t care. I guess sensationalism, shock value – makes money and she has made it very clear making money is her goal. Success, at any cost. World is full of them. Her comment shows the apology is not genuine.

“I anticipated some ‘pedophelia!!!’ Cries for this video. All I can say is Maddie and Shia are two of the only actors I felt could play these two warring ‘sia’ self states. I apologize to those who feel triggered by Elastic Heart. My intention was to create some emotional content, not to upset anybody.”


Why Church people…..groom so many to love abusive people…

I’ve just realised, why this deep need within many church people…to tell others to love abusive people, to minimize their abuse, to invalidate the suffering of the victim……..really feels so wrong to me.

They are grooming people…

to love and accept abusive people.

It’s why they will apply cheap grace…….forcing people to forgive and show their version of mercy and compassion……without repentance, without the abuser needing to own fully their actions.

And then, if the victim doesn’t comply…..they are treated badly.

It is like they become one big incestuous, ‘grooming, or groomed church family’.


I get it now. I get why this feels so wrong.

I’ve been groomed, as a child, a teenager and an adult. So I do know the grooming process and how it feels.

The adult grooming was by a church minister. And the people involved that were meant to sort this out, made choices to ignore this grooming…….because a lot of church people do groom. It is part of their needs.

And this is why ‘all of them’ sided with the abuser. It’s what they do and it was what I was told would happen. Like groomed, mind controlled sheep. And this is why this occurs so much within churches.

The victims are seen as the enemy.

The abusers are protected and enabled.

Exactly how grooming abusive people behave.

And they are deceived into thinking it’s love and compassion and mercy and grace……..but it isn’t.

It’s why they talk about how paedophiles and sex offenders should be welcomed into churches…which has always seemed very bizarre to me. It’s why they want you to believe these abusive types are human and people and just need to be loved.

Continue reading

I was groomed, to love abusive people and feel sorry for them. I’m still confused about this.


I have loved and felt sorry for very abusive people.

I still at times have deep pangs of feeling sorry for them and I am confused.

And I know I have to work this for myself……not listen to those who have not been in the same kinds of situations I have, because regardless of what they think they know…..they don’t understand the actual emotions and attachments and how they feel when they form within these abusive relationships.

I am very conflicted and confused and whilst I want to have understanding about humanity, I also do not want to be duped into any further unhealthy behaviours…….as my healing and the truth, are important to me.

I realise people are limited by their own personal life experiences and their own personal self serving needs that make their lives easier……they then try to tell others, are needed.

And I know to be very wary and careful of this.


I am not sugar coating what I endured……..for the needs of others.

I see how it is easier to view someone like a sadistic, violent, sexual psychopath…….as a person, as humane and not have negative emotions attached to people like this…….if you haven’t endured one.

That lack of understanding what they are capable of and to feel the pain they inflict……enables people to view them differently.

I have to remember that.

Limited understanding………limited life experiences……..do make it much easier to view people in a pleasant and positive way.

But, I am not sugar coating what they are………for the needs of others.

sugar coated

I am too real and too honest for that.

Yes, they are very damaged people, have issues with brain wiring etc…….I understand that.

But, the suffering they inflict……is horrific and I am not going to minimize that for the needs of others.