Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why Church people…..groom so many to love abusive people…


I’ve just realised, why this deep need within many church people…to tell others to love abusive people, to minimize their abuse, to invalidate the suffering of the victim……..really feels so wrong to me.

They are grooming people…

to love and accept abusive people.

It’s why they will apply cheap grace…….forcing people to forgive and show their version of mercy and compassion……without repentance, without the abuser needing to own fully their actions.

And then, if the victim doesn’t comply…..they are treated badly.

It is like they become one big incestuous, ‘grooming, or groomed church family’.


I get it now. I get why this feels so wrong.

I’ve been groomed, as a child, a teenager and an adult. So I do know the grooming process and how it feels.

The adult grooming was by a church minister. And the people involved that were meant to sort this out, made choices to ignore this grooming…….because a lot of church people do groom. It is part of their needs.

And this is why ‘all of them’ sided with the abuser. It’s what they do and it was what I was told would happen. Like groomed, mind controlled sheep. And this is why this occurs so much within churches.

The victims are seen as the enemy.

The abusers are protected and enabled.

Exactly how grooming abusive people behave.

And they are deceived into thinking it’s love and compassion and mercy and grace……..but it isn’t.

It’s why they talk about how paedophiles and sex offenders should be welcomed into churches…which has always seemed very bizarre to me. It’s why they want you to believe these abusive types are human and people and just need to be loved.

It’s why they can see the completely disgusting behaviours of people like Cardinal Pell (who was exposed for telling church lawyers to treat the victims of paedophile abuse, badly because the ‘victims’ were deemed to be the enemy) ….and yet say he is still a good person.

It’s why they don’t like the Royal Commission exposing all the abusive, hidden and disgusting ways of far too many.

They want it kept a secret –

like grooming abusive people do.

It’s why they will completely ignore the obvious narcissism/sociopathy/psychopathy of leaders, ministers. It’s why they really dislike talk of narcissism etc.

It’s far too close to the truth.

It’s grooming….of a whole bunch of people, to ‘accept’ people abuse others, and either avoid it, ignore it, minimize it, invalidate it, keep it all hush hush and a secret, not tell people the truth……and not allow the victim their needed emotions and make the victim believe they are the one with the issues.

Which is exactly what people who are grooming, do.

And worse…..side with the abuser and lift them up.

And that is why abusive people are enabled……….and the victims treated badly……..all the time in churches.


And this is why I struggle within Christian counselling.

Because it feels at times, as though that grooming need…..to just feel compassion and feel sorry for abusive people, not label them, and minimize the affects of what they do…….and believe ‘all’ the issues are mine……occurs as well.

This is why the emphasis is always on ‘me’ as the one who’s ‘wrong’……..and that people who abuse are okay really. I have to love them and feel sorry for them and not talk about them badly.

Not hating them, not wanting revenge, leaving them Jesus, and wanting them to have eternal life with Jesus, but also choosing the deal with the reality of what they are and what they have done and what they are capable of – the truth…is not ‘enough’, not ‘okay’.

Unless I ‘love’ them, because the Bible says ‘love your enemies’ (even though there are different words used for love in the original text)……..I am a ‘bad’ Christian. I am ‘bad’ person for exposing them, for talking about personality disorders, and evil and suffering. How dare I do that!

It must stay a secret…. as per the grooming needs of abusive people.

So…unless, I am prepared to go with this view…..love abusive people, believe they are okay, say nothing bad about them, keep quiet about them and believe all the issues are mine and possible believe I am the bad one who enticed them (which conveniently removed the responsibility of the own actions of these abusers away from them, and onto me)……..I will always be the one, who is ‘wrong’. I am the ‘sick’ one.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Why Church people…..groom so many to love abusive people…

  1. Thank you so much for this! I agree with all of the points you made! I divorced a (very) abusive (so-called) preacher from whose damaging effects I feel I shall never fully recover. When I returned to the church, I was severely shunned for “destroying a preacher’s career”. He received “pity” and is now working a high-paying job while i sit at home with a disabling fear if strangers and Complex PTSD. Unfortunately our world has turned into one that smiles at criminals, where compassion falls short.

    • I am so sorry this happened to you. Being married to an abusive minister must be so very painful ❤

      Sadly this is not uncommon and I have had so many people let me know they have been abused by ministers and then treated like the enemy.

      The one who abused me I wasn't married to, but he didn't lose his job, and even my own Christian doctor/counsellor and another doctor/counsellor got called names, in order for the church hierarchy to cover up his abuse.

      It is very wrong.