Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


The rape jokes continue and get worse.

Social media is awash with more talk about Bill Cosby. More accusers have come forward. 29 now.

I get all the controversy about him and whether people should, or shouldn’t believe he is a sexual psychopath predator…

But what I find the hardest to deal with…….is all the people who think it’s funny and joke about rape – with all the many posters saying ‘Bill Cosby raped me too’.

And even worse….”Rape isn’t funny, it’s hilarious” …….and all the ‘likes’ comments like that get……mostly from men of course, but also from women.

It makes me cry that so many people think sexually abusing and raping women or anyone, is funny.

I’ve been raped, so many times I have no idea how many. Considering the years of being digitally raped as a child and the years of being raped as an adolescent and then the few men who didn’t stop in my 20’s…(and yes I was drunk and had let things go so far, but they got too rough and wouldn’t stop when I said stop, but I believed it was my fault)….

The amount of penetration rapes I have endured, and then the oral rapes I have endured, are probably well in excess of 1000.

Rape isn’t funny.

What kind of people think it’s funny?

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Some musings…….why too many churches attract and grow….so many abusive people….

I see so many reasons why churches attract predators, abusive people, paedophiles, sex offenders, narcissists, psychopaths….etc…

A lot of church people want to do their ‘Christian duty’ and show mercy and grace and love…. and forget wisdom and common sense and care more about their own needs of being a ‘good Christian’ – than they do about victims of abuse, or future victims of abuse…..and many of them don’t even know what grace is and apply ‘cheap grace’ and get confused with all the other Christian virtues too.

And guess what……… the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offenders, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

A lot of church people, are shamed into believing their own sins are equal to that of the horror that some people inflict….and shamed into not judging etc….so they turn a blind eye to the horror and suffering some cause.

And guess what…….. the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offenders, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

A lot of church people believe that once a person has supposedly repented, or often even when they haven’t, but ‘say’ they won’t do it again…..they are to be treated just as anyone else….and allowed to roam around….freely, they are forgiven….

And guess what…….. the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offender, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

Victims of abuse are often considered to be trouble makes, so easier to get rid of them. Problem solved right?

And guess what…….. the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offenders, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

Churches are known for all their secrecy…..and if about abuse, especially within the church hierarchy/ministers etc…..oh it is all kept hush hush and a big secret, lies are told, the church image is paramount…so the abuse stays hidden and we only have to see all that has become known via the Royal Commission – to see how much covering up, lying and secrecy goes on…

And guess what…….. the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offender, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

And of course……..the BIG ONE…… Church people believe that unless there is more than one witness…….the accuser is not to be believed…….

And guess what…….. the predators, the paedophiles, the sex offenders, the psychopaths….etc…….ALL KNOW THIS…

And how many abusive people are going to willingly allow a witness to their abuse????

Yep, you got it…….NONE.

And they wonder why so much abuse goes on….and have no sense of understanding, that they are enabling abuse and pandering to the needs of abusers.

Or actually most don’t wonder……….they are already groomed into believing abuse and abusers, are okay anyway.

After all……we all sin…right?

Why do so many people believe the abusers lies???

Abusive people will often lie about their victims & others believe them……why?

Abusive people will often stop at nothing to make sure they are seen to be the ‘nice’ person and not have to admit what they have done. They will protect their own real selves from being exposed, any way they can.

Once they want to discard their victim….or the victim realises what is going on…… the victim will be made to look like the ‘crazy’, ‘lying’, ‘abusive’ one. Often this is referred to as the ‘smear campaign’.

People will be duped by this and not want to see the manipulation, often because they are invested in this abuser themselves.

Or they have something to lose by accepting that this person has in fact, abused someone else.

And some actually won’t care that this person has abused someone else. Some people have no conscience, no empathy and have a ‘well they haven’t done anything bad to me’ attitude.

Some will choose not to believe anything they haven’t personally witnessed, no matter what they are told, or even how much evidence they have been shown.

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Another person I knew was a fake……..now revealed as such.


One of my husbands relatives, has recently split from is wife.

I knew from the beginning this women was a fake…..appearing to be nice, appearing to love her husband, appearing to be a good person, but I saw all the signs. I saw the manipulation, the lying, the fake-ness, the deviousness, devoid of empathy, the spitefulness, the nastiness, money needy, big ego, totally self serving person she is….behind the mask.

Turns out now more people realise this…..now.

‘A bitch’ she has been called by another relative.

Well, she is actually a lot more than that……….but I am so thankful her real character behind that mask…….is now known more.

And interestingly, many fell for her outer image, that fake mask she wore.

But, I have discernment, and I know by how many times that has been proven, that it is far deeper discernment than average.

As for the husband in that relationship that has broken down. I am thankful this has happened. He is an okay guy and an easy target for people like her. He wouldn’t have known how to spot all these red flags and how easily he was being manipulated. I am sure this breakdown of marriage is painful for him, and I feel for him. But, I am still glad that toxic has left his life.

No-one deserves a person like her……..using and manipulating people for their own needs.

Sadly, there are many of them about.


Abusive people…..expect you to only think the way they do and unless you conform, you are wrong.

Unless I feel and think a ‘their’ way about abusive people – those who cause much suffering intentionally…….then I am wrong.

This is what abusive people do.

They want to manipulate and control how you think. What you believe.

They only see this their way, yet accuse ‘you’ of being someone who can only see something a certain way. Projecting.

And they want you to accept abusive people are okay and no different to anyone else. They want you to be nice and kind to them. (Regardless of whether this enables them to abuse even more and if they do abuse more, well that’s life).

They want you to ignore and minimize the abuse.

They choose not to have empathy and consider the pain you endure, they don’t want to know details – the less you tell them the better. It’s easier to view someone nicely, when you don’t know the details of what they have done to cause suffering.

They want you to take responsibility, if not completely, then at least partially for the abuse you endured.

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Nightmares…….will they ever be gone?


I have given up hope of ever not having nightmares. I am very used to them…….having had them since being a child.

I guess it’s pretty stupid to go through as much abuse as I have and not expect to keep having them. Those memories will never be gone. Which is why PTSD is not curable.

I know being within situations where I am continually triggered, anxious, hypervigilant doesn’t help.

The knowledge of my self harming actions, leading to relationships where I am used, not loved, where who I am and what I have been through doesn’t matter, where I am not cherished or a priority and I have to be constantly vigilant, constantly wondering about lies, deceit, manipulation, moods, being left etc……is not helpful to my healing.

Plus I am grieving the life I always wanted and won’t ever have. It’s hard to grieve not ever having real love in your life. And knowing you won’t ever feel it.

And the painful knowledge that the abuse caused to me in the first 20 years of my life…….ensured I would never have real love in my life.

I do understand and accept I have love from my children, but that is a very different kind of love. And I don’t confuse the two. I don’t expect or want my children to make up for the love I never had from parents, family, partners. I want my children, to be only that, my children.

So I accept that my PTSD symptoms, are not going to go away.

Including the nightmares.