Anxiety about counselling tomorrow.

January 11, 2015 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 1 Comment

I have questions that I have to ask……but I am not certain I am going to like the answers.

And I will be very vigilant as to body language, tone of voice and facial cues etc…..as to the reactions.

There is a part of me that wants to not ‘go there’. But, regardless of those reasons……..I have to know.

If my counselling is heading down certain paths – the views other ‘Christians’ have – I will be quitting.

And me being me, I have to be prepared for the outcomes………because when I’m not, it makes it far harder to cope with. I’ve tried assuming good outcomes will occur, in the past……and they didn’t.

People have really weird views about abuse, people who abuse and how to deal with all that………and I know church people can be worse than secular society….on dealing with it wisely.

And quite frankly, I am sick of my suffering being minimized and invalidated with terms used to describe the horror of what people did to me as ‘behaviours’ and having this constant belief pushed on me that I am to view people who ‘make choices’ to do horrific things to others…..as nice people really, who just sometimes have ‘bad behaviours’.

I know that makes life so comfortable and easy for some.

I see that people become very de-sensitised to the horror of abuse.

I know people will have their own personal reasons why they ‘need’ to view people a certain way.

But, I’m not them.

And none of that is about ‘my’ needs.

And I do see it all very clearly and just how horrific it is…….and I am not minimizing my suffering and what I know about the people who caused it……..to suit others.