I understand the idea of giving the shame back…….but I am confused.

I read several times, about this visualisation of giving abusers back their shame, they inflicted on me, that was never mine to feel or own.

But, due to the way I am led to not speak badly of those who abused me, and shame having not yet been discussed, I have no idea whether this would be considered to be a healthy view….

I am so confused about what I am supposed to think, with all the conflicting messages and views that people have, that I have no idea really, what is the needed view.

I know I am really over the suffering I have endured, being minimized and invalidated. And I’ve said so.

Abusers do indeed inflict their victims with much shame. They blame, say you deserve it, need it, don’t allow you your emotions, hurt, pain. Tell you anything they can, to make themselves look like they do no wrong, and pass all the blame, shame and guilt……onto their victims.

I even got called demonic by a church minister and you cannot be more vile in shaming your victim, than that.

Every single person who has hurt me, has never owned it, never apologised, never felt any remorse, and blamed/shamed me.

It is very painful and leaves deep wounds………wounds that never heal and feel like they are opened back up and re-infected very easily. And often.

I’m aware that child sexual abuse, can leave the deepest wounds of shame, especially when your own mother didn’t care when she was told and treated you badly…….the shame being carved deeper and deeper.

Am I supposed to mentally give back the shame of all the abuse…….to all the abusers?

I don’t know.

I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to think anymore.

My counsellor said I looked sad…….I am. I’m still grieving.

A post to my page, to validate anyone else, who is grieving.

I read in a book about trauma, and I have had it clarified in counselling, that I will always be grieving all my trauma, but it will lesson over time.

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Grieving trauma/abuse, is normal and needed.

At times, I have great waves of grieving rise up and fill me with such intense sadness.

My life has been so horrible, so painful, in so many ways and all the past trauma’s, still impacts my life, in ways I have no control over. My trauma is not in the past, because the consequences of my past trauma, have affected things that are still in my life.

And I am grieving, what I know I won’t have, that I have never had, and it is very painful to accept.

This sadness and grieving, is literally immobilizing and renders me incapable of much else. And it feels exhausting.

I have to lie down and just cry, or try to sleep and just know it will pass and these waves of grieving are normal.

Trauma, abuse, pain….all needs to be grieved. And for me, every layer of all the prolonged and multiple trauma’s I peel away and understand in a deeper way, means deeper and added grieving.

If you have these painful waves of grieving, please know I understand and it is all part of this needed and normal process.

Alcohol…….is my milk.

I’ve been drinking alcohol since I was 13/14 years old. And I’ve had issues with it since then.

It is a significant factor in my life, particularly with regard to sex. It is very common for child sexual abuse survivors, to have alcohol and intimacy issues ~ both physically, psychologically and emotionally. And they can be very different for everyone and fluctuate between different abuse related issues, many endure. Often creating deep levels of shame.

I’ve drunk a lot of alcohol in my life, and I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, and the two go together in my mind…….’like milk with coffee’.

Yes, you can drink coffee without milk and many do, but it is very bitter……in my experience. And that bitterness, I do not wish to repeat.

I do not like and cannot drink coffee ~ without milk. The milk makes it far easier to drink. And I like my coffee, made with milk, not water and splash of milk.

And I am addicted to coffee….I know that.

And I am addicted to coffee, made with milk.

I love my children and my husband…….but I crave being alone.

I am where I need to be and where I want to be…….but I crave being alone and need my alone time.

I increasingly crave being alone and I understand why. I feel overwhelmed with the intensity of the depth of processing I have about life, plus all the grieving and sadness I feel and the things I have to do in my life….all causing emotions I am unable to ignore or suppress.

Increasing understanding and acceptance of many issues, is painful and hard to deal with, and I need alone time, to cope.

Noise, activity, other people’s moods – overwhelm me due to my mind being so full of everything constantly swimming around, all fighting for attention to be thought about more and the emotions felt as a result.

I have learned I have to have balance, I am increasingly finding time to do quiet things like gardening, swimming alone, music, and just being by myself.

As Jung said…….there is no coming to consciousness without pain.

And being alone, is how I manage that pain.

Makes me really smile, to see the comments about Pope Francis….

Pope Francis, is making a difference, there is no denying that.

When atheists and secular society are stating how much respect they have for him……..that is huge!

And ‘this’ is what Christianity should be taking note of………how he is gaining the respect of non Christians, and the GOOD this does.

All these hard line, Bible thumping, right wing, conservative ‘Christians’………….you ARE doing more harm than good……and you ARE deceived into believing what you are doing is good. It isn’t.

I fully admit, I have had little respect for the Catholic denomination, due to the people I have seen who claim to be Catholic Christians – Cardinal Pell – former head of the Catholic church being a prime example. He is NOTHING like Pope Francis.

So, I am very hopeful Pope Francis continues to shine as a far more ‘Jesus’ example, than many who claim to be Christians.

Pope Francis, is one of the biggest hopes for Christianity, we have.