Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I understand now….it is futile trying to explain empathy, to someone who only has the capacity for sympathy.

Empathy, is no-where near as common as most believe. People get very confused between sympathy and empathy.

Trauma/abuse survivors need empathy……..and anything else is unhelpful, shaming, invalidating and hurts……even if completely unintentional – which I do realise in many cases it is.

So for all the people who choose to state the following types of comments and beliefs….they do not have empathy…

‘Look at the positives’, ‘silver lining’, ‘at least…xyz’, ‘it could be worse’, ‘count your blessings’, ‘you need to move on..’, ‘you need to do xyz’ – types of people….

The following video by Prof. Brene Brown, is helpful to me and others…………to realise who does and who does not have empathy…..and ‘why’ people’s lack of empathy really does hurt…………..

http://www.thinkinghumanity.com/2015/01/the-difference-between-sympathy-and-empathy.html


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Grieving trauma is tough; it is a task for the emotionally hardy…

Grief (from severe trauma) is tough; it is a task for the emotionally hardy ~ Daniela F.Sieff.

http://www.danielasieff.com/the-book/

I am reading through this book, as I was very kindly offered a review copy, which I am so thankful for.

This is why I have been told, I have deep levels of inner strength and resilience, because I actually can face and feel the depth and intensity of grieving that is in fact, a normal part of the lifelong healing process.

And the grieving has no timespan. It will not end. But ebb and flow for the rest of my life.

So what may appear to be weakness to some, is in fact deep reserves of strength, courage and resilience.

I must remember this.

I see that I am in the stage of accepting my unmet childhood needs will never be met and going into the next stage of understanding so many of my hopes and dreams, will never happen, due to al I have suffered.


10 reasons why people leave church……I could add a few more too…

“Because if a church were really to look like Jesus,

people wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

10. People leave church when they can’t find community.

This is one of those reasons where it can serve as a reason why people come to church in the first place, and also becomes a reason why they leave– people want community. So many of us are tired of doing life on our own, tired of plastic American relationships, and are looking for deep, loyal, and authentic communal relationships. This should be a central goal of churches– building community. Why? Christianity was never meant to be lived out in the context of isolation, but rather in the context of community. When people can’t find community, can’t plug-in or access meaningful relationships, they split in hopes they’ll find it somewhere else. When a church learns to do community well, it is a life-giving experience. When churches fail to build community, church just becomes another item on your list that sucks the life out of you. I have experienced church both ways and can honestly say that I’m finished investing emotional energy into churches that don’t build a culture that values authentic community.

9. People leave church because they need less drama in their lives.

I don’t know about you, but my life always seems to have enough drama in it– I certainly don’t need anything that is going to add to the drama factor. So often, people seek out church because they need a reprieve, a refuge from the emotional drama of day to day living. However, far too often church relationships find a way to add to your drama. Now, I get that we’re all imperfect and that any group will have their own conflict, but some churches seem to do drama more than others. Our jobs, family dynamics and friendships provide us with enough opportunity to be gossiped about, back-stabbed, and pushed to the margins- we don’t need to add to that. Church needs to be a safe place where one can escape the typical relational drama we all face and instead experience loving support and acceptance. When church just becomes another area that is going to add drama to my life, I need to cut the cord and move on for my own sanity. Which leads me too…

8. People leave church because of unresolved conflict.

As mentioned above, any community is going to have conflict. However, a healthy and life-giving community is one that practices healthy conflict resolution in order to keep relationships safe and whole. Some churches do a fantastic job at helping individuals reconcile their differences in loving ways which deescalate and restore, while others have skewed ideas of what reconciliation looks like. Too often, wounded people are told, or are caused to feel, as if their emotional response to being wounded is somehow wrong or sinful. We can be encouraged to “forgive and forget”, “get over it”, or even told we have “no right to feel that way”. We fail to realize that wounded people need to have their feelings validated, and need to have a place to air their hurts in a way that causes them to feel heard. If we want people to stop leaving church, we need to develop radical humility and become the peacemakers that Jesus claimed would be blessed.

7. People leave church because of controlling leaders and unskilled teachers.

Leaders make or break an organization, and church is no different. When the pastor or church leader(s) come across as controlling (whether it is real or perceived) it creates an environment that doesn’t feel safe to people. No one wants to be controlled or dominated in church– not even the people who assimilate and eventually tolerate such environments. Instead, people want to feel heard and included in issues of decision making and long-term vision. Too often, it seems like the kids who are picked on in high school either become cops or pastors so that they can control other people- and they become increasingly intoxicated with their own perceived power. When people like me smell this, we bolt.

Likewise, you can have a church with a great community and a loving pastor– but a pastor who happens to be differently gifted outside the realm of preaching, and lose people. The longest 45 minute blocks in my life have been when I have been forced to sit and listen to a person fly the plane around the pulpit ten times, without ever landing. Bad preaching is miserable. If people feel like the preaching sucks, they’ll leave in search of something else. We need to make sure we place people in positions to serve in accordance with their abilities AND passions, not just their passions.

 6. People leave church because they get turned off by social climbing, cliques, and nepotism.

Social climbing is simply how I would describe the phenomena where people have to acquire a certain amount of “social credit” with the people of influence before they can serve and be included. As a result, the popular folks at church amass followers, and power. Such a system requires you to play the “game” with people of influence if you want to be a fully included member of the group (leading to the formation of cliques). Some people, like me, refuse to do this in silent protest… instead believing that all people should be able to come together to experience God, equally. Nepotism goes along the same lines– we don’t want to see people elevated to their positions because they were of the right bloodline, or played the game with the right people– we want to see people elevated to positions simply on the basis of their skills, abilities, and calling.

 5. People leave church when they feel like they need to become a carbon copy of an individual or ideal in order to be fully included and appreciated.

During the times when I have found myself church shopping online, one of the first things I look at is the church’s statement of faith. This isn’t so much because I care about what they believe (although, I obviously do) but because I want to know if I’m going to be required to be a detailed copy of everyone else to be accepted. When I see a ten-page statement of faith the spells out everything from “Who is God” to “Why we believe the rapture will happen next Tuesday”, it tells me that there will be no room for me to live, breathe, or be my own person– my acceptance will depend on whether or not I am a carbon copy of everyone else.

People want to be who God made them– they don’t want to be a carbon copy of who God made you. When we feel forced to fit into a predetermined mold as to what a member of this community must look like, we leave (or in my case, I don’t ever go to begin with).

Most people don’t want to be like everyone else, and when a certain culture tells them they must become a clone as a condition of acceptance, many will leave instead of submitting to such a dehumanizing experience. Continue reading


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‘Freedom to be an asshole’ means wasting police resources…

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/gold-coast-cartoonist-larry-pickering-warned-about-islam-drawings-20150113-12mz70.html

Cartoonist Larry Pickering said he had been visited by counter-terrorism police since publishing his own comic treatment of the Charlie Hebdo massacre.

The drawing, featured on his website The Pickering Post, combines Islamic imagery with a pig on a spit.

Mr Pickering told Fairfax Radio 4BC police visited his Gold Coast home on Sunday night for two hours to discuss surveillance options.

“They didn’t suggest I stop doing what I’m doing, they just asked if I’d give them notice if I thought something was particularly provocative,” he said.

Mr Pickering said he was concerned for the safety of his family, but said he wouldn’t change the way he worked.

“I will write and draw what I think is within my idea of what my readers will accept or think is OK,” he said.

“I don’t write for me, I write for the people that read me.”

Mr Pickering is notorious for his use of often sexually explicit content in his cartoons which feature politicians and other public figures.

Former prime minister Julia Gillard singled him out in 2012 for “repulsive” depictions of her on his “vile and sexist” website.

Mr Pickering said the demonstration in Paris following last week’s attack on French satirical paper Charlie Hebdo bolstered his resolve.

“Why should we stop doing it… this is what the press should be about,” he said.

“I think [my cartoon] was saying what we need to say.”

A Queensland Police Service spokeswoman said they would not comment on any operational matters.


This man is so ‘hell-bent’ on his freedom to be an asshole, that he doesn’t even care this puts his family in jeopardy. Wow! Me-thinks his ego and his need for media attention may be a factor here.

And if this does lead to another terrorism/extremist/murder situation like in France……..means other innocent people could get killed too.

How about people realise there is a mature way to disagree with someone’s religion, or actions, beliefs without being vile and offensive back? Called maturity!

And yes, this issue has even taken me to look at my own issues of thinking some satire is okay……like thinking the satire shown about Tony Abbott & Co, is funny and okay. I have laughed at cartoons depicting him in a mocking way.

Now I realise, it isn’t okay.

And I was wrong to think it is, just because I don’t like him, or his politics.

I accept fully, I was wrong.

So, I am actually glad I have learned from this too.

And I won’t be supporting satire or inappropriate humour about things which are promoting hatred, mocking and vileness, anymore.

And if I am, I would like to know and be reminded of this too.

And I’ve just realised, saying asshole, is probably not the best description to use either….


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I think it’s needed to think about what’s healthy, and what isn’t…

A post to my page……….as I think it is needed for people to actually think about what is healthy?

Some thoughts on ‘feeling bad’….

There is a really big issue in society, with people being made to ‘feel bad’…..for ‘feeling bad’.

It is taken as weakness, to feel sadness, grieving, anger and hurt, no matter what has been endured to cause it.

Comparisons and judgments are made.

Timescales are imposed…..”aren’t you over that yet?”

Assumptions are made as to the person ‘choosing’ to feel the way they do.

People believe ‘their’ version of what is strength and courage is the ‘only’ worthy belief….they must be right.

Positive thinking, that often only masks, hides & suppresses emotions and stops deeper healing… is seen wrongly as ‘strength’.

People immaturely believe “if you are sad – you are weak and if you are happy – you are strong”.

People who have very valid reasons for feeling bad…..are made to feel more ‘bad’, for feeling bad.

And like failures, for not living up to other people’s beliefs.

And none of this is anything to do with empathy, or compassion.

It is all from a very selfish and self serving mindset.

And it further shames people.

Society, is built on foundations of shame, I see that clearly, as with experts, like Brene Brown ~ who has humility, something else seen wrongly as weakness.

What do you think?


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People are bizarre…..in what they will believe, to justify their own issues, rather than look within.

It really is quite bizarre to me….that so many grown adults…..cannot clearly see that all extremists (Muslim, Christian etc)…..are only ‘using’ religion as an ‘excuse’ for hatred and to justify carrying our their dark needs.

It isn’t about religion at all………..it is about mental health and being deceived.

People will use anything they can to justify their own issues, rather than face them.

People will be completely absurd and rationalise anything they want, rather than look within.

Humans, are very easily deceived by their own desires and unhealthy needs….I see it everywhere.

I see it within church people. They choose to abuse parts of the Bible……..and forget to look at what Jesus modelled. They cherry pick verses and interpret at their own will – what they want. Anything can be twisted to suit what a person/group wants to believe…..and humans are very adept at this.

Mental health, is a very interesting issues…………I see poor mental health…..everywhere…..along with the lack of capacity most people have for self insight and to be honest about what is within.

The most courageous and brave thing I have ever done……….is not surviving all the severe abuse I have endured, as many would assume……..but taking that honest journey within.