Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Joking about my life being made into a movie… ‘Hope For Lilly’ ;)

Due to someone who has recently contacted me from the US, who is an actress, my FB friends have been teasing me and joking about my life being made into a movie..

Dream big hey!! LOL!!

There’s even a name for the movie  ‘Hope For Lilly’

And the conversation went jokingly, to who would play the different parts….which is an interesting thought process….

There are many parts to cast…..my mother, step father, sisters, other family, family ‘friends’, the paedophile, the psychopath, my 20’s friends, my ex husband, the man who attacked me in the park, work colleagues, my current husband, a whole heap of church people, my children, my counsellor…

My mischievous side, is having a field day in my mind…

Helena Bonham Carter can play me as I am now…she’s kooky enough lol!

My counsellor can be played by Meryl Streep…

I have Lana Del Rey & Sia picked out for the music….

I guess I better hurry up and find the happy fucking ending to this future movie hey!

My friend already has me signed up to a book and movie deal…….bless!

They are far more confident of who I am, and all I have overcome etc, than I am.

Anyways………back to reality…..

Good to have a giggle though!

giggling


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My ability to form intimacy in relationships, was stolen from me.

grieving

Intimacy within relationships, comes in different forms depending on the relationship type.

My friendships, have always been people pleasing….doing what they want and need…..whilst never having a single person actually care about me, my past, the trauma I have endured. I’ve been there through so many of my friends issues, always been the one people talk to and come to, and I genuinely cared. Yet no-one cared back. And the few that pretended to, were only seeking to get close to me, for very dodgy reasons.

I also desperately wanted a family to belong to, so that impacted my capacity to view people as simply people. I subconsciously wanted them to be my sister, my mother, brother, grandparents etc and have that type of love. Everything I always wanted, and never had.

So this all messed up my capacity to form what others would consider healthy friendships.

It’s no doubt why I have been told I am weird, intense, kooky etc.

As for sexually intimate relationships, it is very clear, I have never known, had or understood what this even is.

Having endured so much sexual abuse from childhood onwards, I have never formed healthy views, behaviours or emotional understanding of sex being about love…..and instead always relate sex to abuse…..harming myself as I have, all my adult life.

It is hard not to be angry at those who caused this……….who stole my innocence, stole my capacity to form healthy relationships, and instead left me with a lifetime of trauma/abuse related issues that have robbed me of the capacity to have real genuine love in my life.

In my childhood, they all knew what they were doing……..my mother, my step father, his friends, the paedophile, the sadistic psychopath….

To know they were all complicit in abusing me sexually, but also emotionally, psychologically, mentally, developmentally….is a level of trauma and grieving, that is a heavy load to bear.

Yes, I can compartmentalise all my own stuff………and look at each of them and see all their issues, feel empathy for the possible causes, for all the real love they all failed to have in their lives too.

But, that does not remove the fact, that they all intentionally harmed me, and the life impacting and devastating affects of what they did, that still hurt me every single day of my life.

To understand and accept all this…….well I cannot adequately describe how I feel. And I am meant to talk about my emotions the next time I have counselling.

I have deep sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief, loss, shame, anger.

I see and realise all I should have had, and never had. And never will.

And I am painfully grieving my understanding and acceptance of all this. Continue reading


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Some Christian psychologists, recognise the affects of sociopaths/narcissists & are willing to use correct terminology

http://southlakecounseling.org/when-a-christian-meets-a-sociopath/

It is helpful to see some Christians, recognise the affects of the trauma caused by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and are willing to use the correct psychiatric terminology to describe them.

And recognise the need for boundaries and no contact.

None of this ‘you must stay and help them’, ‘you must have reconciliation’, you must ignore their abuse – we are all sinners BS.

I also was thankful for the clarification………that NO God won’t change them……..unless they ‘want’ to be changed……and guess what……..they don’t want to change, because they don’t think they do anything wrong……they are incapable of change…..and she has never seen any of them change.

I already knew this. God doesn’t take away free will. So, how can they be changed when they don’t think there is anything wrong with them.