Intimacy within relationships, comes in different forms depending on the relationship type.
My friendships, have always been people pleasing….doing what they want and need…..whilst never having a single person actually care about me, my past, the trauma I have endured. I’ve been there through so many of my friends issues, always been the one people talk to and come to, and I genuinely cared. Yet no-one cared back. And the few that pretended to, were only seeking to get close to me, for very dodgy reasons.
I also desperately wanted a family to belong to, so that impacted my capacity to view people as simply people. I subconsciously wanted them to be my sister, my mother, brother, grandparents etc and have that type of love. Everything I always wanted, and never had.
So this all messed up my capacity to form what others would consider healthy friendships.
It’s no doubt why I have been told I am weird, intense, kooky etc.
As for sexually intimate relationships, it is very clear, I have never known, had or understood what this even is.
Having endured so much sexual abuse from childhood onwards, I have never formed healthy views, behaviours or emotional understanding of sex being about love…..and instead always relate sex to abuse…..harming myself as I have, all my adult life.
It is hard not to be angry at those who caused this……….who stole my innocence, stole my capacity to form healthy relationships, and instead left me with a lifetime of trauma/abuse related issues that have robbed me of the capacity to have real genuine love in my life.
In my childhood, they all knew what they were doing……..my mother, my step father, his friends, the paedophile, the sadistic psychopath….
To know they were all complicit in abusing me sexually, but also emotionally, psychologically, mentally, developmentally….is a level of trauma and grieving, that is a heavy load to bear.
Yes, I can compartmentalise all my own stuff………and look at each of them and see all their issues, feel empathy for the possible causes, for all the real love they all failed to have in their lives too.
But, that does not remove the fact, that they all intentionally harmed me, and the life impacting and devastating affects of what they did, that still hurt me every single day of my life.
To understand and accept all this…….well I cannot adequately describe how I feel. And I am meant to talk about my emotions the next time I have counselling.
I have deep sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief, loss, shame, anger.
I see and realise all I should have had, and never had. And never will.
And I am painfully grieving my understanding and acceptance of all this.
And like any grieving, I can’t just pretend it isn’t there.
And I realise what everyone wants from me…..to smile more, be happier, have more fun, more joy, live my life better.
But, all I want to do, is be alone, be sad, and sleep.
And I don’t want anyone, to ‘want’ or ‘need’ things from me anymore.
Which probably doesn’t even make sense.
But, it is how I feel.
And I see how even this…….is because my capacity to have healthy relationships, was stolen from me.
I am thankful I shared this, to help people and it received responses that show this level of processing and honesty, helps others.