Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My ability to form intimacy in relationships, was stolen from me.

10 Comments

grieving

Intimacy within relationships, comes in different forms depending on the relationship type.

My friendships, have always been people pleasing….doing what they want and need…..whilst never having a single person actually care about me, my past, the trauma I have endured. I’ve been there through so many of my friends issues, always been the one people talk to and come to, and I genuinely cared. Yet no-one cared back. And the few that pretended to, were only seeking to get close to me, for very dodgy reasons.

I also desperately wanted a family to belong to, so that impacted my capacity to view people as simply people. I subconsciously wanted them to be my sister, my mother, brother, grandparents etc and have that type of love. Everything I always wanted, and never had.

So this all messed up my capacity to form what others would consider healthy friendships.

It’s no doubt why I have been told I am weird, intense, kooky etc.

As for sexually intimate relationships, it is very clear, I have never known, had or understood what this even is.

Having endured so much sexual abuse from childhood onwards, I have never formed healthy views, behaviours or emotional understanding of sex being about love…..and instead always relate sex to abuse…..harming myself as I have, all my adult life.

It is hard not to be angry at those who caused this……….who stole my innocence, stole my capacity to form healthy relationships, and instead left me with a lifetime of trauma/abuse related issues that have robbed me of the capacity to have real genuine love in my life.

In my childhood, they all knew what they were doing……..my mother, my step father, his friends, the paedophile, the sadistic psychopath….

To know they were all complicit in abusing me sexually, but also emotionally, psychologically, mentally, developmentally….is a level of trauma and grieving, that is a heavy load to bear.

Yes, I can compartmentalise all my own stuff………and look at each of them and see all their issues, feel empathy for the possible causes, for all the real love they all failed to have in their lives too.

But, that does not remove the fact, that they all intentionally harmed me, and the life impacting and devastating affects of what they did, that still hurt me every single day of my life.

To understand and accept all this…….well I cannot adequately describe how I feel. And I am meant to talk about my emotions the next time I have counselling.

I have deep sadness, hurt, betrayal, pain, grief, loss, shame, anger.

I see and realise all I should have had, and never had. And never will.

And I am painfully grieving my understanding and acceptance of all this.

And like any grieving, I can’t just pretend it isn’t there.

And I realise what everyone wants from me…..to smile more, be happier, have more fun, more joy, live my life better.

But, all I want to do, is be alone, be sad, and sleep.

And I don’t want anyone, to ‘want’ or ‘need’ things from me anymore.

Which probably doesn’t even make sense.

But, it is how I feel.

And I see how even this…….is because my capacity to have healthy relationships, was stolen from me.

I am thankful I shared this, to help people and it received responses that show this level of processing and honesty, helps others.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

10 thoughts on “My ability to form intimacy in relationships, was stolen from me.

  1. I so relate with the feelings of just wanting to be alone, sad and to sleep. Yep that is how most of my days and nights are spent anymore. I appreciate how you described how the abiility to have intimate relationships was stolen from you.

  2. The last few days, I have been struggling with the same thing. I keep wondering about everything that has been taken from me. I struggle with the anger at my family for their denial and campaigning by contacting people that follow me on blog spewing more lies and hate. I still love them, well my brother anyway, but realize it will never work. I am grieving just like you, the pain from my years of abuse is pretty much gone, just being without family hurts. Thanks so much!

    • Anger is part of the grieving cycle and I know those grieving emotions of anger, sadness, tears, depression, hurt, betrayal, abandonment etc…..all cycle around for me.

      I’ve come to understand that only those who actually ‘know’ this journey truly understand.

      I still love my family members, my sisters – even though the relationships are dead and I will not ever have contact with them again. Their levels of denial, hate, spite, nastiness, anger and refusal to accept what I endured….is far too toxic to go anywhere near. I wish them only good things, but need to not have them in my life.

      I haven’t dealt with my emotions about my mother. It’s too painful, to know she didn’t stop me getting abused and didn’t help me. She just let me suffer and joined in. I just feel numb when I think about her.

      • Me too! I just told my daughter today, just about the same thing about my mom. I kinda feel something is lurking right below the surface for me…a flashback is coming soon I think. I guess this is our life right. My abuse started at 4 1/2 ended at 15, then raped and two abusive marriages. It is going to take time. I am thankful for you and your blog. You are very eloquent.

  3. Oh how wanting to be alone is all i desire