I should read more about these…
I am starting to process this……and I am not a fast learner, because I have to process it all deeply and feel it completely and learn ~ often by my own failures and mistakes, what I need to learn.
And I accept, I am stubborn and feisty at times……..I’ve needed to be, to survive…..but that is lessoning over time.
I have, can and do react from a place of hurt, fear and shame…….and I see many do.
And every person who has hurt me……..every person who has lied, manipulated, groomed, abused, hurt, didn’t own it, lied to others about it etc….was reacting from a place of hurt, fear and shame.
Where evil comes into this……I don’t know.
I’ve seen, endured and felt some evil acts of abuse committed against me.
But, I also see a shame filled, fear filled, hurt filled person……and that is sad. Really sad.
And I am needing to deal with my own emotions about all they did…….valid emotions, and valid grieving.
But, my views of my tormentors, abusers, perpetrators, whatever they are meant to be described as (this labelling issue, is driving me nuts..and swims around in my head often….my dear counsellor will be glad to know 😛 )……..are changing.
And I know and see……..nothing good has ever come from my own hurt, shame and fear related actions and reactions….whether conscious, or unconscious, whether intentional, or unintentional….
And me ~ being me ~ I will continue to think, process and jabber about this, for some time yet.
Good article and I am thankful when I see many psychologists and mental health professionals dealing with the deeply traumatic damage parents can cause their adult children.
I don’t believe in wishing harm on anyone, I don’t want anything bad to happen to my mother. But, when someone is not going to change, and their toxic harm continues to harm you………you have to have boundaries that protect and honour your own soul and healing.
And I see very clearly that by remaining in abusive relationships out of shame, guilt, duty, religious pressure, whatever……..it still is a form of self harm and self sabotage………no matter how anyone tries to put a prettier bow on it.
It also isn’t needed, to be a martyr to abusive people……..an issue church people seem to get very confused about. I see that clearly too.
All I want for perpetrators of abuse, including my own is….
For them to understand what they have done.
To understand why, and the causes.
To have support and help, to deal with this.
To accept they have caused harm, and feel remorse.
But, not in that shameful ‘I hate myself, I am evil, I want to die’ kind of way, at all.
To focus on putting right, wherever possible.
To have compassion for those they have hurt.
To have the desire to want to become a better person.
To treat people better, to be kind and be nice.
And while struggling in that process, just stay away from people, so they don’t get hurt.
And just work on being transformed and becoming more of who God always intended us to be.
And this I want for them……..because it will make them better people, who will have more peace and healing in their own hearts and souls.
I don’t want anyone, to feel they are evil, or they are not capable of change, or to have hatred given back, or massive shame to fill them for all they have done.
I guess, I just want them to heal too.
And this is how I would like life to be.
It isn’t, but my idealist personality, capable of empathy and compassion (which no I do not have 100% of the time)…wants.
I can compartmentalise my own needed and valid emotions and grieving, whilst also viewing what perpetrators of abuse, need too.
And I know this is growing within me, and sometimes I feel fear when I feel this way, because I feel like I am hurting myself, but I am reminded, this fear is mine, and is also valid, because so many people have hurt me.
I have asked Jesus to help me to deal with how I view those who hurt me and hurt others, the way He wants me to, because I don’t want to live my life, seeing things from a place of fear and hurt.
And Jesus knows, I am so scared of getting hurt anymore. He has seen it all. And He knows trauma, abuse, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, lies, manipulation etc…….He ‘gets’ it. If anyone knows sociopaths etc………it’s Jesus.
But, I can feel it within me, that no matter how sometimes I stamp my feet and panic and feel fear…..that I am continually changing in my heart.
It takes willingness and a heart to want to transform and grow, to know how needed all this is.
Even though it scares the shit out of me at times…….it is what I want.