All I want for perpetrators of abuse, including my own is….
For them to understand what they have done.
To understand why, and the causes.
To have support and help, to deal with this.
To accept they have caused harm, and feel remorse.
But, not in that shameful ‘I hate myself, I am evil, I want to die’ kind of way, at all.
To focus on putting right, wherever possible.
To have compassion for those they have hurt.
To have the desire to want to become a better person.
To treat people better, to be kind and be nice.
And while struggling in that process, just stay away from people, so they don’t get hurt.
And just work on being transformed and becoming more of who God always intended us to be.
And this I want for them……..because it will make them better people, who will have more peace and healing in their own hearts and souls.
I don’t want anyone, to feel they are evil, or they are not capable of change, or to have hatred given back, or massive shame to fill them for all they have done.
I guess, I just want them to heal too.
And this is how I would like life to be.
It isn’t, but my idealist personality, capable of empathy and compassion (which no I do not have 100% of the time)…wants.
I can compartmentalise my own needed and valid emotions and grieving, whilst also viewing what perpetrators of abuse, need too.
And I know this is growing within me, and sometimes I feel fear when I feel this way, because I feel like I am hurting myself, but I am reminded, this fear is mine, and is also valid, because so many people have hurt me.
I have asked Jesus to help me to deal with how I view those who hurt me and hurt others, the way He wants me to, because I don’t want to live my life, seeing things from a place of fear and hurt.
And Jesus knows, I am so scared of getting hurt anymore. He has seen it all. And He knows trauma, abuse, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, lies, manipulation etc…….He ‘gets’ it. If anyone knows sociopaths etc………it’s Jesus.
But, I can feel it within me, that no matter how sometimes I stamp my feet and panic and feel fear…..that I am continually changing in my heart.
It takes willingness and a heart to want to transform and grow, to know how needed all this is.
Even though it scares the shit out of me at times…….it is what I want.