Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I completely understand when people express ‘terminal aloneness’…

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struggle

It breaks my heart how many people out there, have no-one who cares about them and all they have been through and all they continue to endure.

I see them expressing it and how it feels.

I am in the same boat. Not one single person cares about me…not in any real way..

My family were the perpetrators, so the opposite of love there.

My friends didn’t ask, didn’t want to know…..but often ‘their’ problems mattered, of course. So no love there.

My ex husband was in a relationship with alcohol and gambling and himself…….so no love there.

My current husband, never asked in over 10 years about my past, never asked if I wanted to talk and even now has no empathy and would rather I didn’t talk to him about any of it. He’s not interested.

But, I have cared about all of them.

Throughout my life, I’ve had empathy to sit and think about people’s lives, their childhood’s and how that may have affected them and wanted to be there for them.

I knew my ex-best friend, was messed up due to being a spoiled only child and I knew why she was who she was.

I knew my ex husbands own father being an alcoholic and gambling addict and having an enabling mother and being an only child, had screwed him up.

I can see all of the people who have hurt me, and look at their childhoods, and pinpoint issues that have negatively affected who they are in .

And even though my capacity to form completely healthy relationships has been harmed greatly by my life, I still have always had more love, and empathy for everyone else, than they ever showed me.

My current husband, I see clearly why his issues formed and how. He has a deep deficit for empathy, remorse, conscience etc and I see clearly why. He is wired to only care about his own needs/desires.

I have a counsellor, but she is paid and it’s her job to listen to my crap and help me in my healing. But, I know she doesn’t care about me, or love me. It’s her job and I know that. She is very able to separate her work, personal life and needs to.

So no……..I have never had a single person care about ‘me’.

Sure, they may have cared to their own level of capacity……but never enough to care about me and my life and all I have been through.

I still don’t have anyone.

Not in person.

I am on my own……just me and Jesus and I know that’s how it will remain.

And so whilst being a mother to my children and my husband….and knowing people will say ‘well it’s your own fault, you made choices to be around these people…..in that ‘oh so lacking in empathy’ way they choose to view it and shame me more…for all my trauma induced – self harming behaviours (meaning I was drawn to selfish, narcissistic/sociopathic people caused by so much abuse as a child I never deserved)…

I am creating a life for myself ~ in my own little world ~ where I don’t need anyone else and be completely okay, secure and content in that.

alone-quotes-You-cannot-be-lonely-if-you-like-the-person-you’re-alone-with

And I’m getting there.

It’s getting easier over time to be alone.

But that deep understanding of terminal aloneness……….I have always known……..and still endure……….has enabled me to understand how many others, feel this too.

And it breaks my heart…..but at least I can tell others….someone does understand.

I understand.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “I completely understand when people express ‘terminal aloneness’…

  1. Alone, not always lonely anymore but learning alone can be better, and ok.