Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


A horrible day…due to medication withdawals….

Shitty day.

Feel really unwell, and yes it is completely my own doing – stopping meds cold turkey…

Mood lowering a lot……feel really sad, tearful, lonely, aware of having no-one who cares about me in any real way and all the usual emotions that go with that.

I fucking hate my life.

Way too much abuse, way too much suffering, way too much darkness being inflicted upon me, and way too little support and love now.


Intelligence, success, ego…..does not maketh the man wise….

I know high levels of narcissism means big ego, lacking conscience,/remorse and little or no humility and little self insight.

And no wisdom.

Wisdom is only found where there is humility, empathy, self insight and a well developed conscience.

Narcissism and ego, ‘floats the boat’ of other narcissistic people.

Who may have intelligence (IQ only) ~ but are in a self illusion state, of thinking that means wisdom.

Interestingly, people assume intelligence to be wisdom.

Yet, psychopaths can be highly intelligent….

But people will see the success and the IQ and think that immediately must mean the person is good, decent and wise.

And they could not be further from the reality.

Interesting articles on Stephen Fry, who many admire and hail him as a positive advocate for mental health and yet there are many stating the opposite as well. And I can see why.

I watched a doco about him, and I have to say my ‘narc radar’ was going off… and I was confused……and confusion always means something is not right and I am picking up on stuff that may well be dodgy.

And this does not mean I think the person is a bad person, or that I have negative emotions about them…….but I will know not to assume any wisdom will be found.

“The psychologist and author of The Selfish Capitalist Oliver James has never joined in with the celebration of Fry as a “national institution”. He describes Fry as a narcissist, “jammed on transmit – and the signal is, “I’m cleverer than you.”” He’s intelligently hyper-functional but clearly emotionally dysfunctional. It’s time for all of us – him, the media, the culture at large – to take an extended Fry-break and spread his workload around among those equally as capable as him but in far greater need of the work. The High Priest of celebrity mediation must be laid off.”



Dealing with other people’s criticsim/narcissism and how I clearly see the issue.

I see clearly how some people are willing to put down those who have the courage to face the truth…….because they fear doing the same.

Easier to tell me I am wrong, put me down……no matter how hurtful that is to me……than face their own issues.

People project their own fear and lack…..onto those who have courage and inner strength.

They choose to ignore how much good that person is doing, how many people are being helped…and instead criticise to make themselves feel better.

If they can delude themselves that I am wrong…….it makes their own selves feel better.

And not a flicker of empathy or even consideration for me…..or caring how they hurt me.

They do this so they don’t need to face the more courageous journey of dealing with the abuse more deeply and that uncomfortable inner journey……requiring vulnerability, honesty and courage.

And their actions in this …are all narcissism.

Put me down, hurt me…..to protect their own selves, not face their own fear and shame and raise up their ego to believe it is okay to do so.



Learning about, and educating others about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths…is needed. So do not ‘shame’ me for it.

People can make the very wrong assumption and judgment, that because I educate and post about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths……that I am just bitter, unforgiving and judging them.

I’ve had people say to me they think it is wrong that I post about people who abuse …and shame me for this.

If I hadn’t chosen to educate myself about people who cause abuse and harm……..I wouldn’t have learned what happened to me…..I wouldn’t have learned that it was 100% wrong and 100% the responsibility of the person causing the abuse.

Describing someone who is clearly a fully diagnosable psychopath, or narcissist etc – as exactly that…….isn’t wrong or judgment…..it is stating the truth and those who are at that end of the continuum, are always that person…..they aren’t e.g. a  non psychopath sometimes, and then a psychopath other times…….that is s very immature attitude to believe.

I don’t describe everyone who has hurt me, as a fully diagnosable ‘insert personality disorder’.

But the ones I know were/are…..I will.

And the others as sociopathic….narcissistic.

That is not labelling…….it is a fact.

It is their personality that is so deeply entrenched within them, along with a lack of empathy, lack of conscience, lack of remorse, lack of willingness to be anything else……that it consumes their entire being, and every action, every thought, every behaviour.

When they are appearing to be decent, or kind…..it is fake, non genuine and only for manipulative and self serving needs……and this façade and fake persona they can easily adopt……even fools many mental health professionals.

I don’t encourage hatred, or retaliation, revenge, wishing bad on others….at all.

By learning all I have myself…….and I didn’t lean any of this in counselling…….I learned it all by my own education of myself about psychology…..

I have been able to start to deal with the deeper aspects of the damage they made decisions to cause.

Like why I was the family scapegoat.

Why my mother allowed me to be abused.

Why no-one cared about the abuse.

Why I had certain behaviours…….to survive all this abuse.

Why they can’t own what they have done….so to not hold out hope they will.

Why none of what happened was my shame, guilt or blame……but why they projected all their shame, guilt and blame onto me and how to start healing those wounds.

Why so many people are duped by these master manipulators/liars.

Why society knows little about all this and so victims get little support.

I know you cannot heal unless you know all this, so I am thankful I can take the more courageous road of learning, educating myself, and dealing with it all, no matter how painful…

And in sharing my journey, I have helped 1000’s of others in their journey too.

There’s not many Christians out there willing to open about abuse and who causes it and why………they get hung up on this false belief that we must not say anything ‘bad’ about people…….because we are all sinners.

But, it is very much needed to educate self and others about all this.

I don’t take the more comfortable path many church people will take and ignore most of it and just ‘forgive’ and show cheap grace.

I have had people criticise me for this and suggest that no contact with my mother etc is wrong.

Well, I don’t live in denial or a positive illusion If they need to have that, it is their own self serving issues.

But I will tell then they are very wrong and unwise,..to suggest what I do, is not okay, or needed.

I remind people…….the truth is what sets you free.

Not denial, or minimizing the harm some cause, or pretending they are nice/decent when they aren’t.

Education is needed and if you shame people, for becoming educated and embracing truth..with all the deep courage required for this……………then I suggest you take a good look inside your own heart and soul.

Poem – True Love Hurts

As I am only recently coming to terms with my re-enactment and self harming issues…..caused by so much severe abuse in the first 20 years of my life…
it is pretty clear that when I write poems like this….which came from an emotional flashback of feeling the way I did in my teens…
That the damage caused to me, was very deep.
I do equate sexually intimate relationships with this past abuse.
My body learned to respond the way it’s meant to – as happens in many sexually abused children/teenagers…..but with abuse, instead of within a loving sexual relationship at an appropriate age….,
It is hard enough to confront and acknowledge this.
But, I have to acknowledge it and accept it as part of who I am, to be able to start to deal with it.
Although how to deal with it…..within my current situation….seems like it will be impossible.
And that then creates fear and hopelessness.
The affects of child sexual abuse……are horrific and only those who have endure this understand.
It is like the abuse is continually repeating and you are stuck and can’t get out it, other than to not be in a relationship at all, which I totally understand why people make that choice.
Child sexual abuse, and not receiving any support or love to help deal with it and being hurt even more by those who were meant to love you……is horrific.
The affects can last a lifetime and I see that clearly too.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

*** Trigger Warning.

True Love Hurts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Love is pain

Messages seared

Into her core

If it doesn’t hurt

It’s not love

This pain

I need

I deserve

Their voices


Painful love

So young

‘It’s how I love you’

Any love craved

Than none

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The joys of withdrawal from heavy duty meds….

I am aware going cold turkey with heavy duty anti-depressants, is not a good idea.

And neither is not taking them for 4 days, then having no script and then being off it a week. My self care rocks. Not.

I had the shaking and headaches, on Monday when I saw my doctor.

Sleep issues are back and have worsened….nausea….muscle pain worse….and I can handle physical pain…so I know it’s bad. It hurts to even move my head.

Haven’t slept all night….so tired too, which is not helping my mood.

Fed up.

Feel like crap.

Just read on medical websites that going cold turkey on Effexor….can be as hard on the body and brain…as withdrawing from hard drugs.

Well at least that validated how feeling like crap….is okay and part of withdrawal.


And the withdrawal issues, can last weeks, months, or even a year…..especially if you have been on it for an extended period of time, which I have….over 2 years.

Oh joy.

This woman talking about Effexor and withdrawal is interesting.

I am always more interested in hearing from those who have actually endured it.